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Smoking Fanatic
Original poster
OTBS Member
SMF Premier Member
Nov 12, 2006
Saxton, Pa.
English Lessons

A missionary who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how to farm and build things to be self-sufficient gets the word that he is to return home.

He realizes that the one thing he never taught the natives was how to speak English, so he takes the chief and starts walking in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree." The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."

The missionary is pleased with the response.

They walk a little farther and the padre points to a rock and says, "This is a rock." Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock." The padre is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes.

As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple in the midst of heavy sexual activity.

The padre is really flustered and quickly responds, "Riding a bike."

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blow gun and kills them.

The padre goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how could he just kill these people in cold blood that way?

The chief replied, "My bike."
A gas station owner in Mississippi was trying to increase his sales, which had been slacking and, being creative in Redneck territory, he came up with a sure fire way to get his business back.

A sign large handpainted sign out by the dirt road that read,

"Free Sex with Fill-Up."

Soon the first local redneck pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10.
The owner explained that if the customer guessed correctly he would get his free sex after he paid for a ten gallon minimum fill up.
The redneck guessed 8, and the proprietor said,
"You were close.
The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time."

A week later, the same redneck,along with a buddy, Bubba, pulled in for another fill-up.

Again he asked for his chance for free sex after paying for his 14 Gallon gasoline fill up.
The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.

The redneck guessed 2 this time.
The proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3.
You were close, but no free sex this time."

As they were driving away, the redneck said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex.

" Bubba replied, "No it is for real Billy Ray.

It ain't rigged.My wife won twice last week."
Circle Of Life

At age 4...success is...not peeing in your pants.

At age 10...success is...making your own meals.

At age 12...success is...having friends.

At age 16...success is...having a drivers license.

At age 20...success is...having sex.

At age 35...success is...having money.

At age 50...success is...having money.

At age 60...success is...having sex.

At age 70...success is...having a drivers license.

At age 75...success is...having friends.

At age 80...success is...making your own meals.

At age 85...success is...not peeing in your pants
An Irish guy goes into a bar in America and asks for three separate shots of Whiskey. He drinks one, waits a little bit, then drinks the second one, waits a little bit more, and then drinks the third one. This goes on for a few days, and finally the bartender tells him: "You know sir, I can put all three shots in one glass for you".

The guy replies "No, I prefer it this way. You see, I'm very close to my two brothers. They are both still in Ireland, and this represents a drink for each of us. When I drink like this, I feel like we are drinking together again, all three of us".

This goes on for several months, and then one day the guy walks into the pub and asks for only two shots.
The bartender is worried that maybe something happened to one of his brothers.

"Is everythink OK"? he asks.

"What do you mean", answers the guy.

"Well, for months you have been asking for three shots. now you order two. Did something happen to one of your brothers?", the bartender asks.

"No", replies the Irish guy, "Theyr'e fine. It's just that I quit drinking".
Don't Fart In Bed

If this story doesn't make you cry for laughing so hard, let me know and I'll pray for you. This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he
couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out!

Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts. Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes!

After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right." "All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you." "What do you mean?" asked his wife. "Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened.

But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in."
An elderly woman bought a parrot. The woman asked if it would behave if she took it to church with her on Sunday. The owner said it shouldn't be a problem. She should put him on her shoulder and he would stay there.

The next week she put him on her shoulder and went to church. Just as everyone quieted down and the sermon began, the parrot looked around, squawked and said "It's goddamned cold in here." Everyone turned around to look at her. She ran out of the church in total embarrassment.

The next day she returned to the pet store and explained the embarrassing situation.

The owner offered the following solution. If the parrot does that again, grab him by the legs and swing him around 5 times and return him to your shoulder.

So the next Sunday she took the parrot and as soon as the sermon started, the parrot squawked "It's goddamned cold in here." Without any hesitation the woman grabbed his legs and swung him around 5 times and placed him back on her shoulder.

The parrot shook his head, ruffled his feathers and said "Pretty f$%%$%$ windy too!"
A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. Suddenly the sky
clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you

have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I

The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous

challenges for that kind of undertaking.. The supports required to reach

the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take!

It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is

hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more

time and think of something that would honor and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish

that I could understand my wife - I want to know how she feels inside, what

she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what

she means when she says 'nothing's wrong', and how I can make a woman truly

The Lord replied... "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
One day this guy was out playing a round of golf with his wife.
He was not having a very good day. On the third hole he tees
off, the ball slices way to the right, bounces off a tree and
lands in the rough behind a barn.

As he is standing there scratching his head, trying to think of
what to do, his wife says "I have an idea! Why not open the
doors on both sides of the barn; that way you can hit the ball
straight through the barn and you'll be back on the fairway
without having to take a penalty stroke."

Sounds like a good idea.

So he opens the barn doors, lines up and swings at the ball.
The ball flies up, richochets off the rafters of the barn, hits
his wife in the head and kills her.

Ten years later he is out playing golf again, this time with his
new wife, and he does the same thing; bounces the ball off a
tree and into the rough behind the same barn.

His new wife says "Why don't you open the barn doors and hit the
ball right through?"

"Nah," said the golfer, "last time I tried that something
terrible happened."

"What was that?" said the wife.

"I shot a double bogey."
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