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Slow Saturday Jokes

sawhorseray

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In surgery for a heart attack, a middle-aged woman has a vision of God by her bedside. “Will I die?” she asks.
God says, “No. You have 30 more years to live.”
With 30 years to look forward to, she decides to make the best of it. So since she’s in the hospital, she gets breast implants, liposuction, a tummy tuck, hair transplants, and collagen injections in her lips. She looks great! The day she’s discharged, she exits the hospital with a swagger, crosses the street, and is immediately hit by an ambulance and killed. Up in heaven, she sees God. “You said I had 30 more years to live,” she complains.
“That’s true,” says God.
“So what happened?” she asks.
God shrugs. “I didn’t recognize you.”

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A man, shocked by how his buddy is dressed, asks him, “How long have you been wearing that bra?” The friend replies, “Ever since my wife found it in the glove compartment.”

deerhides.jpg



A ventriloquist is performing with his dummy on his lap. He’s telling a dumb-blonde joke when a young platinum-haired beauty jumps to her feet. “What gives you the right to stereotype blondes that way?” she demands. “What does hair color have to do with my worth as a human being?”
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to stammer out an apology.
“You keep out of this!” she yells. “I’m talking to that little jerk on your knee!”

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Two guys were out walking their dogs on a hot day when they pass by a bar. The first guy says, “Let’s go in there for a pint.”
The second guy says, “They won’t let us in with our dogs.”
First guy: “Sure they will, just follow my lead.”
He goes up to the pub, and sure enough, the bouncer says, “I can’t let you in here with that dog.”
He replies, “Oh, I’m blind and this is my seeing-eye dog.”
The bouncer says, “Ok then, come on in.”
The second guy sees this and does the same thing. The bouncer says, “You can’t come in here with a dog.”
He replies, “I’m blind and this is my seeing-eye dog.”
The bouncer responds, “You have a Chihuahua for a seeing-eye dog?”
The second guy exclaims, “They gave me a Chihuahua?”

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The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice willing to work hard for long hours. The blacksmith instructed the boy, “When I take the shoe out of the fire, I’ll lay it on the anvil; and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer.”
The apprentice did just as he was told. Now he’s the village blacksmith.

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There once were twin boys, age six, that had developed extreme personalities. One was a pessimist the other a total optimist. Concerned, their parents took them to a psychiatrist.
First, the psychiatrist treated the pessimist. Trying to brighten his outlook, the psychiatrist took him to a room filled with toys. But instead of yelping with delight, the little boy burst into tears. “What’s the matter?” the psychiatrist asked. “Don’t you want to play with any of the toys?”
“Yes,” the little boy bawled, “but if I did I’d only break them.”
Next, the psychiatrist treated the optimist. Trying to dampen his out look, the psychiatrist took him to a room piled to the ceiling with horse manure. But instead of wrinkling his nose in disgust, the optimist climbed to the top of the pile, and began gleefully digging out scoop after scoop with his bare hands.
“What are you doing?” the baffled psychiatrist asked.
The little boy replied, “With all this manure, there must be a pony in here somewhere!”

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MJB05615

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Every one of these were excellent! Top notch. Glad you posted, I thought I'd have to get through my whole day without smiling.
 

pushok2018

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That's great for Saturday! I liked all of them but the winner is the last one!!! :emoji_laughing: :emoji_laughing: :emoji_laughing: Thank you for sharing, Ray!
 

GaryHibbert

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Good ones Ray. I went back to the PET AREA one 3 times before I finally clued in.
I've seen the last one before, but I still laugh every time.
Gary
 

sawhorseray

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Thanks Gary, I absolutely loved the last one! I got more ready but things can get wiped off the board so fast on a Sunday I might wait a day or two, I'll see. RAY
 

BuckeyeSteve

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Jim is a golf fanatic. He starts dating a wonderful woman. In a short time he realizes this is the women he wants to marry. But he needs to be honest with her. Jim tells her I’m a golf fanatic, all I think about is golfing. Golf is my life, and playing golf is all I want to do.
Joan says to him well, while we are being honest with each other there is something you need to know, I’m a hooker.
Jim sat silently processing what she just told him, and said, you’re probably not keeping you wrist strait.
 

sawhorseray

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SMF Premier Member
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Joined Oct 17, 2014
Golf? OK!


Two guys were playing golf, one of them was about to swing the golf club when he noticed a funeral procession going by on the street. The man stopped in mid-swing and closed his eyes and said a short prayer. The other man truly inspired, remarked, clearing his throat, “wow that was one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen.” “Well”, the other man said “I was married to her for 35 years.”
 

sawhorseray

Master of the Pit
SMF Premier Member
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Joined Oct 17, 2014
A horse walks into a bar.

Bartender says "Why the long face?"

"Ha, ha, very funny," says the horse. "But I gotta say, today was not a good day. Injured my leg out on the racetrack. My career's probably finished."

Bartender reaches under the bar, pulls out a gun, and shoots the horse.

Then he feels sorry for him, says "Tell ya what, buddy. That round is on the house." RAY
 

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