Several cute ones

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Smoking Fanatic
Original poster
Oct 14, 2012
Cagayan de Oro Philipppines
Four farmers were seated at the bar in a tavern. At the table next to them sat a young girl. 
The first man said, "I think it's WOOMB." 
The second replied, "No, it must be WOOOOMBH." 
The third said, "You both have it wrong -- it's WOOM." 
The fourth stated, "No, it has to be WOOMMMMBBB." 
At this, the young lady could stand it no longer. She got up, walked over to the farmers and said, "Look, you hayseeds, it's WOMB. That's it, that's all there is to it." Then she left.
Eventually, one of the farmers broke the silence by saying, "Well, I don't know. A slip of a girl like that, I don't see how she could know. I'll bet she's never even heard an elephant fart!" 


A 60-year-old man went to a doctor for a check-up. The doctor told him, "You're in terrific shape. There's nothing wrong with you. Why, you might live forever; you have the body of a 35-year-old. By the way, how old was your father when he died?" 
The 60-year-old responded, "Did I say he was dead?" 
The doctor was surprised and asked, "How old is he and is he very active?" 
The 60-year-old responded, "Well, he is 82 years old and he still goes skiing three times a season and surfing three times a week during the summer." 
The doctor couldn't believe it. So, he asked, "Well, how old was your grandfather when he died?" 
The 60-year-old responded again, "Did I say he was dead?" 
The doctor was astonished. He said, "You mean to tell me you are 60 years old and both your father and your grandfather are alive? Is your grandfather very active?" 
The 60-year-old said, "He goes skiing at least once a season and surfing once a week during the summer. Not only that," said the patient, "my grandfather is 106 years old, and next week he is getting married again." 
The doctor said, "At 106-years, why on earth would your grandfather want to get married?" 
His patient looked up at the doctor and said, "Did I say he wanted to?" 


One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from 
Bingo to find her 92-year-old husband in bed with another woman. 
She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment, killing him instantly. 
Brought before the court, on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her defense: 'Your Honor,' she began coolly, 'I figured that at 92, if he could screw, he could fly.' 


I would like to share a personal experience about 
drinking and driving. As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from an occasional social session over the years. 
A couple of nights ago, I was out for an evening with friends and had a couple of cocktails and some rather nice red wine. Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before ~ I took a cab home. 
Sure enough, I passed a police road block but, since it was a cab, they waved it past. 
I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise; as I have never driven a cab before and am not sure where I got it or what to do with it now that it's in my garage. 


A young man, kind of a biker type, had started to work on a farm. The boss sent him to the back forty to do some fencing work, but come evening he's half an hour late. The boss gets on the CB radio to check if he's all right. 
"I've got a problem, Boss. I'm stuck here. I've hit a pig!" said the young man. "Ah well, these things happen sometimes," the boss says. "Just drag the carcass off the road so nobody else hits it in the dark." 
"But he's not dead, boss. He's gotten tangled up on the bull bar, and I've tried to untangle him, but he's kicking and squealing, and he's real big boss. I'm afraid he's gonna hurt me!" 
"Never mind," says the boss. "There's a .303 under the tarp in the back. Get that out and shoot him. Then drag the carcass off the road and come on home." "Okay, boss," said the young man. 
Another half an hour goes by, but there's still not a peep from the kid. The boss gets back on the CB. "What's the problem, son?" "Well, I did what you said boss, but I'm still stuck," replied the young man. 
"What's up? Did you drag the pig off the road like I said?" asked the boss. The young man replied, "Yeah boss, but his motorcycle is still jammed under the truck." 


Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.’ The question was worth 70 points or none at all. 
One student, in particular, had problems thinking of seven advantages. 
Finally he wrote: 
1) It is perfect formula for the child. 
2) It provides immunity against several diseases. 
3) It is always the right temperature. 
4) It is inexpensive. 
5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa. 
6) It is always available as needed. 
And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote: 
7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it. 

He got an A 


Hello, is this the FBI?" 
"Yes. What do you want?" 
"I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Bob Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood." "Thank you very much for the call, sir." The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swore at Billy Bob and left... The phone rings at Billy Bob's house: 
"Hey, Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?" 
"Did they chop your firewood?" 
"Happy Birthday, Buddy" 

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