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Retirement Options

Discussion in 'Jokes' started by kruizer, Jul 5, 2019.

  1. kruizer

    kruizer Master of the Pit

    To help in our constant effort to answer the question, “.:.but where would we go?”, here are some thoughts:



    Retirement Options:


    You can retire to Phoenix, Arizona where...
    1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away from your house because you found shade.
    2. You've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
    3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
    4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
    5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.
    6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??

    OR

    You can retire to California where...
    1. You make over $450,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
    2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
    3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
    4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
    5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
    6. The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought.


    OR

    You can retire to New York City where...
    1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan ....
    2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
    3. You think Central Park is "nature."
    4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
    5. You've worn out a car horn. (IF you have a car).
    6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

    OR

    You can retire to Minnesota where...
    1. You only have three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup ...
    2. Halloween costumes have to fit over parkas.
    3. You have seventeen recipes for casserole.
    4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
    5. The four seasons are: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road repair.
    6. The highest level of criticism is "He is different, she is different or It was different!

    OR

    You can retire to The Deep South where...
    1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
    2. "Y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
    3. "He needed killin" is a valid defense.
    4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Joe Bob, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.
    5. Everywhere is either: "in yonder," "over yonder" or "out yonder".

    OR

    You can retire to Colorado where...
    1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
    2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home, so he stops at the day care center.
    3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
    4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

    OR

    You can retire to the Nebraska where...
    1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
    2. Your idea of a traffic jam is three cars waiting to pass a tractor.
    3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
    4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at.

    OR

    FINALLY You can retire to Florida where...
    1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
    2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
    3. Everyone can recommend an excellent cardiologist, dermatologist, proctologist, podiatrist, or orthopedist.
    4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
    5. Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people.




    From Patti's iPhone
     
  2. smokerjim

    smokerjim Master of the Pit OTBS Member SMF Premier Member

    I think i'll stay where i'm at,
     
  3. noboundaries

    noboundaries Smoking Guru OTBS Member SMF Premier Member

    Cracked me up. I think I need to move.
     
  4. yankee2bbq

    yankee2bbq Smoking Fanatic

    That’s pretty good! I enjoyed that!
     
  5. grillmonkey

    grillmonkey Smoking Fanatic

    I'm in the deep south. My aunt Betty Jean always called me John John because it wasn't right not to have two first names. :emoji_slight_smile:

    I grew up and live in a rural area in Georgia where good manners are considered important and most people treat each other with respect. It's "Yes, sir" and "Yes ma'am", please and thank you. We wave to each other as we pass on the road, make eye contact with each other and even ask total strangers, "How're you doing today?" as we pass each other on the sidewalk or in the aisle at the grocery store. The moral fabric is different here. Race, national origin, sexual orientation, and all the other buzzwords used by some politicians to seperate us as Americans doesn't play too well down here. We're mostly just Southerners, and we think people from other parts of the country talk funny.

    It's hot, humid, there are gnats that pester you, other gnats that bite you, mosquitoes the size of hummingbirds, horse flies, biting yellow flies, and all of the species of poisonous snakes in North America. But I couldn't imagine living anywhere else.
     
    yankee2bbq likes this.
  6. kawboy

    kawboy Smoking Fanatic

    We have hotdishes, not casseroles. Other than that, can't argue.
     
  7. GaryHibbert

    GaryHibbert Legendary Pitmaster OTBS Member ★ Lifetime Premier ★

    Some of those were bang on and real funny.
    Gary
     
  8. schlotz

    schlotz Smoking Fanatic SMF Premier Member

    Retirement: i.e the best job you'll ever have!
    1. Don't work
    2. Do what you want
    3. Smoke something for dinner frequently
    4. Repeat...
     
    ofelles likes this.