Discussion in 'Jokes' started by aussie rod, Dec 10, 2012.

  1. (A) The number of physicians in the U.S. is

    (B) Accidental deaths caused by physicians

    per year are


    (C) Accidental deaths per physician


    Statistics courtesy of U.S. Dept of
    Health and Human Services.


    Now think about this:


    (A) The number of gun owners in the U.S.



    (Yes, that's 80 million)

    (B) The number of accidental gun deaths

    per year, all age groups,



    (C) The number of accidental deaths

    per gun owner



    Statistics courtesy of the FBI


    So statistically, doctors are approximately

    9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.


    Remember, Guns don't kill people, doctors do!!!




    Almost everyone has at least one doctor.
    This means you are over 9,000 times more likely to be killed by a doctor than as by a gun owner!!!
    Now if you have more than one doctor,
    You're just s#%t out of luck!!!


    Please alert your friends

    to this
    alarming threat.
    We must ban doctors

    before this gets completely out of hand!!!!!

    Out of concern for the public at large,

    I withheld the statistics on Lawyers

    For fear the shock would cause

    people to panic and seek medical attention!
  2. Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such an immense shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed.
  3. An Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road.
     A man asks What is wrong??
     The boy says me Ma is dead.
     Oh bejaysus the man says “Do you want me to call Father O' Riley for you”?
     The boy replies “No tanks mister, s** is the last ting on my mind at the moment”.
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 11, 2012
  4. An old prospector shuffled into town leading an old tired mule.  The old man headed straight for the only saloon to clear his parched throat.

    He walked up and tied his old mule to the hitch rail.

    As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whisky in the other.

    The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?"

    The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance ...

    Never really wanted to."

    A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet.

    The old prospector --not wanting to get a toe blown off-- started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet.  Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied..

    When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.

    The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers.

    The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air, and the crowd stopped laughing immediately.

    The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly.

    The silence was almost deafening.

    The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.

    The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said, "Son, have you ever licked a mule's arse?"

    The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir.... But ... I've always wanted to."

    There are a few lessons for us all here:

    Never be arrogant.

    Don't waste ammunition.

    Whisky makes you think you're smarter than you are.

    Always, always make sure you know who has the power.

    Don't mess with old men, they didn't get old by being stupid.
  5. Why Italian Fathers and Grandfathers pass their handguns down through the family.

    An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, Guido, I wan' you lissina me.   I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me."

    "But grandpa, I really don't like guns.  How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?" 

    "You lissina me, boy...

    Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos."

    "Somma day yohu gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. Whatta you gonna do then?  Pointa to you watch and say, "times up"?
  6. While hiking down along the border this morning, I saw a Muslim extremist fall into

    the Rio Grande River ; he was struggling to stay afloat because of all the guns

    and bombs he was carrying. Along with him was an illegal Mexican who was also

    struggling to stay afloat because of the large backpack of drugs that was

    strapped to his back. If they didn't get help, they'd surely drown. Being a

    responsible Texan and abiding by the law to help those in distress, I informed

    the El Paso County Sheriff 's Office and Homeland Security. It is now 4 PM, both

    have drowned, and neither authority has responded. I'm starting to think I

    wasted two stamps...
  7. A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event

    hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of

    extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom

    approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

    "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man.

    Is something bothering you?"

    "Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

    The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It

    looks like you have seen a lot of action."

    "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

    The young lady, beginning to tire of trying to get him to converse,

    said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy

    yourself." The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

    Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this

    the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

    1957, ma'am."

    Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking

    everything so seriously!  I mean, no sex since 1957!?"

    She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded

    to "relax" him several times. Afterwards, panting for breath, she

    leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget

    much since 1957!"

    The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his

    matter-of-fact voice, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."
  8. Sent unashamedly without Apology.
    [b][size=6]THE FINAL INSPECTION[/size][/b]

    [b][size=6]The soldier stood and faced God, [/size][/b]
    [b][size=6]Which must always come to pass.
    He hoped his shoes were shining,
    Just as brightly as his brass.

    'Step forward now, you soldier,
    How shall I deal with you ?
    Have you always turned the other cheek ?
    To My Church have you been true?'

    The soldier squared his shoulders and said,
    'No, Lord, I guess I ain't.
    Because those of us who carry guns,
    Can't always be a saint.

    I've had to work most Sundays,
    And at times my talk was tough.
    And sometimes I've been violent,
    Because the world is awfully rough.

    But, I never took a penny,
    That wasn't mine to keep...
    Though I worked a lot of overtime,
    When the bills got just too steep.

    And I never passed a cry for help,
    Though at times I shook with fear.
    And sometimes, God, forgive me,
    I've wept unmanly tears.

    I know I don't deserve a place,
    Among the people here.
    They never wanted me around,
    Except to calm their fears.

    If you've a place for me here, Lord,
    It needn't be so grand.
    I never expected or had too much,
    But if you don't, I'll understand.

    There was a silence all around the throne,
    Where the saints had often trod.
    As the soldier waited quietly,
    For the judgment of his God.

    'Step forward now, you soldier,
    You've borne your burdens well.
    Walk peacefully on Heaven's streets,
    You've done your time in Hell.'

    Author Unknown~[/size][/b]

    [b][size=6]Don't Break This - Without Apology[/size][/b]

    [size=7]Thinking of all the

    U.S., Aussie & British Soldiers[/size]

    [size=7]I'm not breaking this one! Let us pray[/size]


    [size=7]A Prayer chain for our military... Don't break it![/size]  
    [size=5]Send this on after a short prayer for our soldiers - Please Don't break it! [/size]  

    [size=7]GOD BLESS YOU FOR PASSING IT ON! [/size]
    [b]It's the Military, not the reporter who has given us the freedom of the press. It's the Military, not the poet, who has given us the freedom of speech. It's the Military, not the politicians that ensures our right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. It's the Military who salutes the flag, who serves beneath the flag, and whose coffin is draped by the flag.

    If you care to offer the smallest token of recognition and appreciation for the military, please pass this on and pray for our men and women who have served and are currently serving our country and pray for those who have given the ultimate sacrifice for freedom.[/b]
    [/td][/tr][/table][/td][/tr][/table][/td][/tr][/table][/td][/tr][tr][td][table][tr][td] [/td][td] [/td][/tr][/table][/td][/tr][/table][/td][/tr][/table][/td][/tr][/table][/td]
  9.                                       A cop pulled a guy over for speeding at which time the following conversation was exchanged:
    Cop: May I see your driver's license?

    Driver: Sorry, I don't have one. It was suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

    Cop: May I see the owner's card for the vehicle?

    Driver: It's not my vehicle. I stole it.

    Cop: Are you telling me this is a stolen car?

    Driver: That's right. Mind you, now that I think of it, I believe I did see the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

    Cop: There's a gun in the glove box?

    Driver: Yep. I put it there after I shot and killed the whoman who owns this car. Then I stuffed her in the trunk.

    Cop: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?

    Driver: Yes, sir.

    When the cop heard this, he immediately called his captain. Within minutes, the car was surrounded by police and the captain approached the driver so he could handle the tense situation:

    Captain: Sir, may I see your driver's license?

    Driver: Certainly. Here it is. (It was a valid license.)

    Captain: Sir, who owns this car?

    Driver: I do, officer. Here's the owner's card. (The driver owned the car.)

    Captain: Sir, slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it.

    Driver: Yes, sir, but there isn't a gun in it. (There was nothing in the glove box.)

    Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I've been informed you said there's a body in it.

    Driver: No problem, officer. (The trunk is opened and there is no body.)

    Captain: Sir, I don't understand any of this. The officer who pulled you over said you told him you did not have a license, you had stolen the car, you had a gun in the glove box and there was a dead body in the trunk.

    Driver: And I'll bet the lying SOB told you I was speeding too!

  10. A Belgian met a Dutch friend, who was driving a Rolls Royce and spending money like water.
    'How did you het so rich?' the Belgian asked.
    'I went to Canada, to shoot bears. The fur coats are very expensive.'
    'How do you go about shooting bears?'
    'It's very simple. You should go there in winter. When you enter a cave you will find a bear. Since it is in hybernation, it is very easy to shoot it.'
    Three months later they meet again. This time the Belgian is entirely wrapped in bandages.
    'What has happened to you?'
    'Well' the Belgian replies: 'I went to Canada, I entered a cave with my gun, and then suddenly... the train came'.

  11. Five doctors went to on a duck hunt: a GP, a pediatrician, a psychiatrist, a surgeon, and a pathologist. After a while a bird came winging overhead, the GP raised his shogun but didn`t shoot because he wasn`t sure if it was a duck or not. The pediatrician also raised his gun, but then he wasn`t sure if it was a male or female duck, so he didn`t shoot. The psychiatrist raised his gun and then thought, I know that`s a duck, but does the duck know it`s a duck?" The surgeon was the only one who shot. Boom!! He blew it away. Then he turned to the pathologist and said, "Go see if that was a duck."

  12. One Day The President was out jogging without his guards.All of a sudden a man with a ski mask jumped out from behind some busheswith a gun.The masked man said "Give me all your money!"Unwilling to do so, the President said, "You can't do this, I'm thePresident!" The man then replied,..."Oh, never mind then. Give me MY money!"
  13. A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had
    been stolen.
    He goes back into the bar, handily flips his gun into the air, catches it above his head without even looking and fires a shot into the ceiling.
    "WHICH ONE OF YOU SIDEWINDERS STOLE MY HOSS?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness.
    No one answered.
    Some of the locals shifted restlessly.
    He had another beer, walked outside, and his horse is back! He saddles-up and starts to ride out of town.
    The bartender wanders out of the bar and asks, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?"
    The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."

  14. ver squat with yer spurs on.
    There are two theories to arguin' with a woman; neither one works.
    Don't worry about bitin' off more than you can chew, your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think.
    If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
    After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring.
    He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him.
    The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
    If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
    Never smack a man who's chewin' tobacco.
    It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.
    Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.
    Never follow good whiskey with water, unless you're out of good whiskey.
    Good judgment comes from experience; experience comes from bad judgment.
    Always drink upstream from the herd.
    Never drop your gun to hug a grizzly.
    If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
    When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't be surprised if they learn their lesson.
    When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.
    Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in.
    Always take a good look at what you're about to eat. It's not so important to know what it is, but it's critical to know what it was.
    The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.
    Never miss a good chance to shut up.
  15. Two Southern belles, one of whom was from Texas, were seated on the porch swing of a large white-pillared mansion talking. The first woman, who was not from Texas, said, "When my first child was born, my husband had this beautiful mansion built for me."
    "That's nice," commented the lady from Texas.
    "When my second child was born," the first woman continued, "he bought me that fine Cadillac automobile you see parked in the drive."
    Again, the lady from Texas commented, "That's nice."
    "Then, when my third child was born," boasted the first woman, "he bought me this very exquisite diamond and emerald bracelet."
    Once more, the lady from Texas commented, "That's nice."
    "What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?" asked the first woman.
    "My husband sent me to charm school," answered the lady from Texas.
    "Charm school!" exclaimed the first woman. "Land sakes, child, what on earth for?"
    "So that instead of saying 'who gives a shit', I learned to say 'That's nice!'" replied the lady from Texas.

  16. It's 1880, the decade of gunslingers and gentlemen. This is a story of one such young man that wanted more than anything to be the fastest and most respected gunslinger in the west.The place was Dodge City, Kansas in the Sawdust Saloon. The young man walked into the Sawdust Saloon and, to his surprise, saw Wyatt Earp sitting at a table playing poker. The young man walked up to Wyatt and said, "Mr. Earp, I would like to be a gunslinger just like you. Could you give me some tips?"Wyatt put his cards down, looked up at the boy and said, "Son, I don't usually give out tips like this cause it could someday be detrimental to my health, but step back and let me take a look at you."The boy stepped back and Mr. Earp said, "You look good. You're wearing black, you've got two ivory handled guns with waxed holsters, and you look like a gunslinger. But what's more important, son, is: Can you shoot?"The young man, happy to show how good he was, quickly drew his pistol from his right holster and without aiming shot the cuff link off of the piano player's right sleeve.Wyatt said, "That's good shooting son, but can you shoot with your left hand?"Before Earp could even finish, the boy had already drawn the pistol from his left holster and shot the cuff link off of the piano player's left shirt sleeve. Very proud of himself the young man blew the smoke away from his six shooter and holstered his gun. "How was that?" the boy asked.Wyatt smiled and looked up and the boy and said, "That was pretty good shooting son. I couldn't do better than that myself, but I do have one good tip for you.""What's that?" the boy asked."I suggest that you go to the kitchen and ask the cook for a large can of lard. Then take both guns of yours and stick them down deep into the lard."Puzzled the young gunslinger asked why he should do that.Earp put his cards down again, leaned back in his chair, and said, "Well son, when Doc Holliday gets done playing the piano over there, he's going to take those two guns of yours and... "The boy didn't wait for the rest of the answer.

  17. This guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in his tree. He looks in the phone book for a gorilla removal service until he finds one.
    "Is it a boy or girl Gorilla?" the service guy asks.
    "Boy," is the man's response.
    "Oh yeah, I can do it. I'll be right there", says the service guy.
    An hour later the service guy shows up with a stick, a Chihuahua, a shotgun, and a pair of handcuffs. He then gives the man some instructions: "Now, I'm going to climb this tree and poke the gorilla with the stick until he falls. When he does, the trained Chihuahua will bite the gorilla's testicles off. The gorilla will then cross his hands to protect himself and allow you to put the handcuffs on him."
    The man asks, "What do I do with the shotgun?"
    The service guy replies, "If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla, shoot the Chihuahua."

  18. An American-Indian walks into a saloon with a shotgun in one hand and a 10-litre bucket of manure in the other.
    The Indian says to the bartender,
    "Me want Lager!"
    The bartender says, "Sure, Chief, coming right up."
    He then serves the Indian a
    tall glass of Tennents Lager.
    The Indian drinks it down in one gulp, picks up the bucket, throws the manure into the air and blasts it with the shotgun. He then walks out.
    Five days later, the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand and another bucket of manure in the other.
    He struts up to the bar and tells the bartender, "Me want beer!"
    The bartender says, "Whoa there Chief, we're still cleaning up from the last time you were here... What was that all
    about, anyway?" he asked.
    The Indian explained, "Me training for job as government employee. Drink beer, shoot the shit, disappear for a few days, then
    come back and see if somebody else has cleaned up the mess me left behind...
  19. Late Payment Letter

    Gentlemen:I have just received your letter in regards to the bill I owe you. You said the bill should have been paid long ago and you don't understand why it wasn't. Well, I will enlighten you.In 1957 I bought a sawmill on credit. In 1959 I bought an ox team, a timber cart and two ponies; a shotgun, a wine tester, a Colt revolver and five razorback hogs all on credit.In 1960 the sawmill burned down. One of my ponies died and the other I loaned to an s. o. b. who starved him to death. In 1961 my father died and my mother was hung for horse rustling. A mechanic named Joe knocked up my daughter and I had to pay the doctor $88.32 to keep the demon from becoming a relative of mine.In 1963 my son had the mumps and they went down on him; the doctor had to castrate him to save his life. That summer I went fishing and the boat turned over and I lost the biggest catfish you ever saw, and one of my sons drowned (not the castrated one).In 1966 my wife ran away with another feller and left me with the three small children as a souvenir. I married the hired girl to keep down expenses, but I had trouble getting her off, and the doctor told me to try to create some excitement just as she was beginning to get aroused. That night I pointed the shotgun out the window while we were in bed and just as she was beginning to orgasm I pulled the trigger. Well, she pooped the bed, I ruptured myself and killed the best darn milk cow I ever had.The next year my troubles really started. My wife caught the clap from the ice man, my son wiped his ass with a corn cob with poison ivy on it, and someone de-nutted my best bull.In 1970 I decided to go into another business on my own. I ordered six bee hives from Sears, Roebuck, and Company. I bought a swarm of bees and a queen bee all on credit on the installment plan. The queen bee died and I ordered another one. She turned out to be a whore and started running around with a horsefly. The honey tasted like shit so I couldn't sell it.So now, gentlemen, you say if I do not pay you, you will cause me trouble. Right now if it costs two cents to poop, I'd have to puke. Getting money out of me would be like trying to poke butter up a wildcat's ass with a hot trowel, but you are welcome to try.Yours for more credit, Max
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 11, 2012
  20. A young man was pulled over by the Louisiana state police for speeding. The officer stepped out of his patrol car, adjusted his sunglasses, and swaggered up to the young man`s window. "What chew driving so fast for son? You going to a fahr?. Let me see your license, boy."
    The young man handed over his license. Then the officer noticed that the back seat of his car was full of large knives.
    The officer said, "Tell me boy, why you got them knives on that there back seat?"
    The young man replied, "Well sir, I`m a juggler."
    The officer spat some tobacco juice and then he said, "A juggler; well you don`t say. Boy, put cha hands on the trunk of yer car; you going to jail!"
    The young man pleaded with the officer not to take him to jail. He offered to prove to the officer that he was a juggler by way of demonstration. He said, "You can even hold me at gunpoint while I juggle for you." The officer reluctantly allowed him to prove his point while he held him at gunpoint.
    Two miles down the road at Joe`s Tavern, Billy Bob was drinking it up with Homer T. Ratcliff. He soon left and got into his old, rusty pickup truck. He proceeded down the road trying his best to stay on the right side. Suddenly Billy Bob spotted the most unbelievable sight of his life! He drove to the nearest phone booth and dialed the number for Joe`s Tavern and asked for his buddy, Homer T. Ratcliff. When Homer got on the phone Billy Bob said, "Whatever you do when you leave that tavern, don`t go north on 442. The state police are giving a sobriety test that nobody can pass!!"

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