A couple of gems from the past

  • Some of the links on this forum allow SMF, at no cost to you, to earn a small commission when you click through and make a purchase. Let me know if you have any questions about this.
SMF is reader-supported. When you buy through links on our site, we may earn an affiliate commission.

Smoking Allowed

Meat Mopper
Original poster
Feb 13, 2021
The Low Country of South Carolina
While searching for a particular recipe, I came across a couple of old posts that I thought were funny.

This 1st one was by vulcan75001 on July 28, 2007
1."If the enemy is in range, so are you." - Infantry Journal
2."It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you
bombed." - U.S. Air Force Manual
3."Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never
encountered automatic weapons." - General Macarthur
4."You, you, and you ... Panic. The rest of you, come with me." - U.S.

Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.
5."Tracers work both ways" - U.S. Army Ordnance
6."Five second fuses only last three seconds." - Infantry Journal
7."Any ship can be a minesweeper, Once."
8."Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." - Unknown
Marine Recruit
9."If you see a bomb technician running, follow him." - USAF Ammo
10."Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death, I Shall Fear No Evil.
For I
am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing." - At the entrance to the old SR-71
operating base Kadena, Japan
11."You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3." - Paul
Crickmore (test pilot)
12."The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."
13."When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have
power left to get you to the scene of the crash."
14."Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another expensive
15."Never trade luck for skill."
16."The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just
kill you." - Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)
17."There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime." -
over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970
18.As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having
off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives,
rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks "What happened?". The pilot's
"I don't know, I just got here myself!" - Attributed to Ray Crandell
(Lockheed test pilot)

This 2nd one was by meat-man on June 21, 2008
Someone sent this to me and I thought it was great, and hit the nail right on the head!


NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement,
resume with complete job history and references, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.

NAME_____________________________________ DATE OF BIRTH_____________

HEIGHT___________ WEIGHT____________ IQ__________ GPA_____________

SOCIAL SECURITY #_________________ DRIVER S LICENSE #________________

BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES__________________________________________

HOME ADDRESS_______________________ CITY/STATE___________ ZIP______

Do you have parents? ___Yes ___No
Is one male and the other female? ___Yes ___No
If No, explain: __________________________________________________ ___________
__________________________________________________ ___________________

Number of years they have been married ______________________________

If less than your age, explain
__________________________________________________ __________________

__________________________________________________ __________________


A. Do you own or have access to a van? __Yes __N o

B. A truck with oversized tires? __Yes __No

C. A waterbed? __Yes __No

D. A pickup with a mattress in the back? __Yes __No

E. A tattoo? __Yes __No

F. Do you have an earring, nose ring, __Yes __No
pierced tongue, pierced cheek or a belly button ring?



In 50 words or less, what does 'LATE' mean to you?

__________________________________________________ ____________

__________________________________________________ ____________

In 50 words or less, what does 'DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER' mean to you?

__________________________________________________ ____________

__________________________________________________ ____________

In 50 words or less, what does 'ABSTINENCE' mean to you?

__________________________________________________ _____ _______

__________________________________________________ ____________


Church you attend __________________________________________________ _

How often you attend ________________________________________________

When would be the best time to interview your:

father? _____________

mother? _____________

pastor? _____________


Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers
are confidential.

A: If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be:

__________________________________________________ ____________

B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:

_____________________ _________________________________________

C: A woman's place is in the:

__________________________________________________ ____________

D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:

__________________________________________________ ____________

E. What do you want to do IF you grow up? ___________________________

__________________________________________________ ____________

__________________________________________________ ____________

F. When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is:

__________________________________________________ ____________

F. What is the current going rate of a hotel room? __________________


__________________________________________________ _______
Applicant's Signature (that means sign your name, moron!)

_______________________________ ________________________________
Mother's Signature Father's Signature

_______________________________ ________________________________
Pastor/Priest/Rabbi State Representative/Congressman

Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and non-sexual.
Please allow four to six years for processing.

You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (since
you probably can't, and it would cause you injury). If your application is rejected, you will be
notified by two gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases. (you might watch your back)

To prepare yourself, start studying Daddy's Rules for Dating .

Daddy's Rules for Dating
Your dad's rules for your boyfriend (or for you if you're a guy) :

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a pizza
, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them..

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of your date wi th my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a 'Barrier method' of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: 'early.'

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge . Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding h ands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual themes are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi . When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine
The first one carries many words of wisdom.
I may have filled out a few of the applications in the second one. Yet to hear back on them.

  • Haha
Reactions: Brokenhandle
Funny as that may be since a few parts of that dating application hold true, lets get real.

I like to be simply cleaning a gun when the young man enters my home.
And I find that the bigger, blacker and deadlier looking the gun the better the impression it makes.

Loading magazines works well too.

No words are needed to convey the threa... errrr... message.

Then the items of interest are laid aside and I do not ask, I tell him what time my baby girl will be home. And that her makeup, hair and clothing will be as it was when she departed.

Now you two go have a good time.
  • Like
Reactions: HalfSmoked
SmokingMeatForums.com is reader supported and as an Amazon Associate, we may earn commissions from qualifying purchases.

Hot Threads