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More Monday Morning Humor - Lawyer Bashing!

sawhorseray

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A salesman was testifying against his wife in a divorce court. His lawyer said: “Please describe the incident that caused you to suspect your wife is unfaithful.” The husband replied: “I’m on the road all week, so naturally when I’m home I like to be with my wife. One Saturday morning we were in the middle of some very heavy sex. Then the old lady in the apartment next door pounded on the wall and yelled: “Can you at least stop all that noise on weekends?”


After the car accident, a large crowd gathered around. An enterprising young lawyer immediately saw a way to get rich, but could not force his way through the crowd. So seeing that he could lose a lot of money not getting a new client, he resorted to desperate measures and yelled: “Let me through! I am the son of the victim!” The crowd parted. Lying in front of the car was a donkey.


A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around. “What the hell do you think you’re doing?” “I’m a chiropractor, and I’m just keeping in practice while I’m waiting in line.” “Well, I’m a lawyer, but you don’t see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?”


A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town’s most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. “Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you did not give a penny to charity. Wouldn’t you like to give back to the community in some way?” The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, “First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?” Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, “Um, no.” The lawyer interrupts, “Or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?” The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again. “Or that my sister’s husband died in a traffic accident,” the lawyer’s voice rising in indignation, “leaving her penniless with three children?!” The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, “I had no idea.” On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, “So if I don’t give any money to them, why should I give any to you?”
 

MJB05615

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LOL. All funny. Keep 'em coming. We need to laugh, now more than ever, helps get through the day.

Mike
 

TNJAKE

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First one is hilarious...........btw it's Tuesday lol
 

tx smoker

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A police officer was testifying in court and was asked by the lawyer for the defense: "Do you trust your partner and your other fellow officers?" The officer replied "Yes I do". The lawyer then asked "How much do you trust them?". The officer replied "With my life". The lawyer then asked if the officers had a locker room, to which the officer responded "Yes we do" so the lawyer asked if the officer on the stand had a locker there that he used and did he have a lock on it. The officer replied "Yes I do have a locker and there's a lock on it". The lawyer thought he'd found his break and asked the officer "If you trust your fellow officers with your life, why do you feel compelled to have a lock on your locker?" The officer's response was "Because the part of the building where the locker room is located is shared with the court house and sometimes we have lawyers come through". The jury lost it....
 

sawhorseray

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I love lawyer jokes!! Gary
Hell Gary, that all you had to say, I can oblige that!

The Blind Snake & Rabbit


A snake and a rabbit were racing along a pair of intersecting forest pathways one day, when they collided at the point where the pathways meet. They immediately began to argue with one another as to who was at fault for the mishap.

When the snake remarked that he had been blind since birth, and thus should be given additional leeway, the rabbit said that he, too, had been blind since birth. The two animals then forgot about the collision and began commiserating concerning the problems of being blind. The snake said that his greatest regret was the loss of his identity. He had never been able to see his reflection in water, and for that reason did not know exactly what he looked like, or even what he was. The rabbit declared that he had the same problem. Seeing a way that they could help each other, the rabbit proposed that one feel the other from head to toe, and then try to describe what the other animal was.

The snake agreed, and started by winding himself around the rabbit. After a few moments, he announced, "You've got very soft, fuzzy fur, long ears, big rear feet, and a little fuzzy ball for a tail. I think that you must be a bunny rabbit!"

The rabbit was much relieved to find his identity, and proceeded to return the favor to the snake. After feeling about the snake's body for a few minutes, he asserted, "Well, you're scaly, you're slimy, you've got beady little eyes, you squirm and slither all the time, and you've got a forked tongue. I think you're a lawyer!"


First Client


After successfully passing the bar exam, a young lawyer started up his own practice. He was sitting idle at his desk when his secretary announced that a Mr. Jones had arrived to see him.

"Show him right in!" our lawyer replied.

As Mr. Jones was being ushered in, our lawyer had an idea. He was very anxious to impress potential clients, so he immediately picked up his phone and spoke into it," I am sorry, but my workload is so tremendous that I am not going to be able to look into your problem for at least a month. I shall have to get back to you then." He then turned to the man who had just walked in, and said, "Now, what can I do for you?"

"Nothing," replied the man. "I am here to hook up your phone."



A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains: "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and visa-versa."

Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50" figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match.

This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look.

He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the digital cellphone via infra-red wireless connection to his modem port and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mail to all his co-workers, friends, clients, and suppliers that he knows. All to no avail. Over an hour later, he wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer?"

Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.



The Lawyer & the Inn Keeper's Daughter


For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!

"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!"

"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."
 

MJB05615

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Very good. The last 2 made me laugh out loud, or LOL for you kids out there.

Mike
 

sawhorseray

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The driver of a tour bus full of senior citizens feels a tap on his shoulder and looks to see a darling little old lady offering him a handful of peanuts, which he graciously accepts with a smile. A short time later she returns with another offering of peanuts, and once again the driver graciously accepts the gift. This repeats itself a few more times until the driver finally asks, "Why are you giving away all of your peanuts?" The little old lady replies, "Well, our teeth aren't what they used to be, we simply can't chew them anymore." The driver then asks, "Well why do you keep buying them then?", to which she replies, "Oh we just love the chocolate coating on them." RAY
 

tx smoker

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This is supposedly a true story.

A forensic pathologist was on the stand at a murder trial and was being questioned by the lawyer for the defense;
Atty: Is it possible that the victim was still alive?
Patho: No, it's not possible.
Atty: Why is it not possible that the victim was still alive?
Patho: Because his brain is in a jar on my desk.
Atty: But isn't it possible that he could still be alive?
Patho: I suppose that if he was still alive he could be practicing law somewhere

It took the jury 10 minutes to stop laughing

Robert
 

sawhorseray

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Apparently RSVP’ing to a wedding invitation “Maybe next time,” isn’t the correct response.



Dad Joke #41945

A fellow walked into a bank in New York City asking for a loan for $4000 dollars. “Well, before we lend you the money we are going to need some kind of security” the bank teller said. “No problem” the man responded here are the keys to my car “you’ll see it, it’s a black Porsche parked in the back of the parking lot.” A few weeks later the man returned to pay off his loan. While he was paying it up, along with the interest of $11 dollars, the manager came over, “sir, we are very happy to have you’re business, but if you don’t mind me asking, after you left we looked into you and found out that you are a millionaire, why would you need to borrow $4000 dollars?” “Well, the fellow responded it’s quite simple, where else can I park my car for three weeks in New York for $11 dollars?”
 

sawhorseray

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The city miser was on his death bed, as his last request he asked to be alone with his lawyer, doctor, and priest. “I know I am going to die” he said ” and I would like to take my money with me, so I am going to give each of you $150,000 and I want you to each make sure the money gets in the coffin.” It was a few days after the funeral when the priest over flowing with guilt finally confided to the other two that he only put $100,000 back. “I’m glad you brought it up” said the doctor, “because I have also been feeling guilty, I only put $80,000 back.” “You people should be ashamed of yourselves” stormed the lawyer “stealing money like that, am I the only honest person here? Here look at this” he said pulling out his check book, “look I wrote out a check for the full $150,000!”
 

sawhorseray

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Two blondes are on opposite sides of the river, and one calls out to the other, "How do I get to the other side of the river!", to which the other replies, "You are on the other side of the river!"


The leader of the vegetarian society just couldn’t control himself anymore. He just needed to try some pork, just to see what it tasted like. So one summer day he told his members he was going on a vacation. He packed out of town, and headed to the nearest restaurant. After sitting down, he ordered a roasted pig, and impatiently waited for his delicacy. After just a few minutes, he heard someone call his name, and to his great chagrin he saw one of his fellow members walking towards him. Just at that same moment, the waiter walked over, with a huge platter, holding a full roasted pig with an apple in it’s mouth. “Isn’t that something,” says the leader after only a moments pause, “all I do is order an apple, and look what it comes with!”
 

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