Hiding in plain sight

[Fueling Around]

There has been some recent posts on ... well events of life.

I got a good kick in the ... reality this morning.
I learned a good friend of mine back in Minnesota took his own life last week.
I saw the obituary last night and had my suspicions only to get it confirmed this morning.
Suicidal people are ticking time bombs that are "hiding in plain sight". Some never go off and the rest ...

I hope this doesn't interrupt your healing Norm @normanaj after the loss of your father-in-law.

Big shout out to a compassionate member here, Dave @sandyut for reaching out to me earlier today.
That helped me a lot as well as posting now.
Please send your thoughts and prayers to Todd's family.
Todd's demons are gone, but his family has to live with the questions.

 

[Redicans]

@Fueling Around Sorry for the lost of your friend. I have lost a few friends to suicide. I agree on the hiding in plain sight. Always such a shock to friends and loved ones. I hope your friend Todd's family finds some peace that his pain is over!!

Aloha, Sean

 

[normanaj]

@Fueling Around no issue here. The wife and I have accepted what has happened. Best to get these feelings out into the light, letting them fester away in the dark is not healthy in the long term.

 

[JLinza]

Sorry to hear this. Lost a good friend a couple years ago and my father about 30 years ago, the same way. You're exactly right, hiding in plain sight. We'll say a prayer for all of you.

 

[chef k-dude]

I'm sorry about your friends family and your loss...and everyone else's losses. This life can be tough.

I have been suicidal at times in my life. It's correct, we dont usually walk around talking about it. In context like this, or other conversations face to face with people I WILL be honest and talk about it now. And honestly, I dont think people really believe me. It's like nobody does until you actually do it. I mean, I'm here, so clearly I didn't have the guts, so I must be full of shiznit...right?

I'm not in that mental state right now, so I'm not broadcasting any emergency, just having the conversation. Every time I thought about it, it was the affect I knew it would have on other people that stopped me. In addition, I would have expected those other people would be mad and think less of me in the end.

People ready to kill themselves do not care anymore, they just want it all to stop. And if you have never had mental illness like that, you cant imagine what is in their mind. The emotion is intense.

I was one of those "get a grip, pull yourself up by the bootstraps" guys on the issue of depression until my ex-wife crashed our household (this was 30 years ago). I found myself unable to control my emotions and contemplated several things I never did in the end, but DID wrestle HARD with those demons. It was close to tragedy, and I wasn't the only one in danger.

 

[Fueling Around]

Thanks everyone. This a very difficult thread to reply. None of my friends back north could even text me to let me know assuming someone else had passed the sad news.
I cannot even figure out the words for the sympathy card to the family. I know his widow is a basket case from a mutual friend.

Humbling reply Ken @chef k-dude.
Fortunately there are outreach contacts these days. But as you pointed out once it gets fixated it all goes downhill.

 

[Brokenhandle]

Sad thing to hear! I can believe it's hard to find the words to say to the spouse. In my eyes and thoughts... nothing wrong with being honest. A sympathy card or phone call, whichever you prefer, saying you're sorry for the loss but you don't really have the words. Offer her the chance to reach out to you if she needs it. Sometimes there aren't the words but knowing someone cares helps.

Ryan

 

[civilsmoker]

I’m not sure I have any words of advice other than, I feel for you, your friends, and the wife and friends. A loss like this also causes anger and guilt and the resulting emotional turmoil is very painful. So just knowing you and they aren’t dealing with it alone is very healing……

 

[forktender]

Brutal, John, I'm very sorry to hear about your buddy, prayers sent, and Godspeed too everyone that loved him!!!

I went through the very same thing a few months ago.
My buddy found out he had ALS, and didn't want to burden his family with medical bills for the rest of their lives. I'm still pissed about it, probably will be for the rest of my life.

I now understand why old men turn into grumpy dicks when they get older, because now I'm one of them.

 

[Fueling Around]

Yes it is brutal Dan. I hope time eases your pain, too. Anger is not healing for you or the family.
I think it was Churchill that said age brings wisdom (OK I paraphrased).
My problem is wondering if I didn't snowbird and stayed in Minnesota for the winter would it have made a positive change. I would have morning coffee with Todd M-F over the winter and my days off from farming in the summer.

 

[forktender]

Yes it is brutal Dan. I hope time eases your pain, too. Anger is not healing for you or the family.
I think it was Churchill that said age brings wisdom (OK I paraphrased).
My problem is wondering if I didn't snowbird and stayed in Minnesota for the winter would it have made a positive change. I would have morning coffee with Todd M-F over the winter and my days off from farming in the summer.

Man, I hate that for you, the second guessing what you could or couldn't have done are my biggest regrets. I've lost three friends to suicide, so I can say it will get easier, but it never goes away. Give your wife a big hug and talk about what you're feeling.
That was my biggest hurdle. As a very typical dude I was guilty of holding things in, it almost broke me. Out of all people my 12 yr old niece said to me one evening "just talk to auntie "C" let her know why you're acting like an old grump". I took her advice, and it opened up a line of communication that we have never had in the past., and my wife is my best friend, we do everything together. (It was really weird to me at first). But now it's been really awesome, we now talk about things that I never would've dreamed of talking about with anyone!!! Trust me time really does heal.

 

[Chris_in_SoCal]

I can only add that working in law enforcement for many years I have been desensitized by the many times it has happened around me. Male and female coworkers have taken that way out and it makes no sense to me but that is the way they decided to go.

I was shook every time but there is nothing I would have known about their personal life to change it or probably anything I could do anyway. People make their own choices in life good or bad.