court system

[Fueling Around]

How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces?
These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He’s 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________

And last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

 

[old sarge]

Too funny! in a sad sort of way.

 

[Brokenhandle]

And here's your sign! There's no way I could keep a straight face lol!

Ryan

 

[mike243]

Another reason to wear a mask, they cant see you laughing, might see tears in your eyes but not the shat eating grin

 

[JLeonard]

And the bad thing is....I'm sure all of these questions were asked in all seriousness.
Jim

 

[mlk18]

If I had a $1 for every time I heard a lawyer say something funny or dumb in court, I could afford to hire a lawyer.

 

[Fueling Around]

If I had a $1 for every time I heard a lawyer say something funny or dumb in court, I could afford to hire a lawyer.

Would you want to hire a lawyer that is potentially an imbecile in court?

 

[MJB05615]

All hilarious and scary at the same time, lol.

 

[mlk18]

Would you want to hire a lawyer that is potentially an imbecile in court?

Pretty much every lawyer I see in court is an imbecile. The really good lawyers never seem to let things get that far.

 

[zwiller]

Part of my gig requires going to Clerk of Courts. I carry a briefcase and dress well so I look the part. You have to go through a metal detector and Sheriff Deputy's work it. Attorneys are typically exempt from the detector (yep!) so they ask me if I am an attorney. I tell them no and I often hear some seriously funny remarks. Stuff like "good for you!" or "I could tell you were a good guy" LOL

If you guys like this stuff there is a treasure trove of funny videos of this type of it on You Tube. Court Cam.

My Uncle has been on the bench like 30 years and I work with many good honest lawyers. They exist but are in minority unfortunately.

 

[Bearcarver]

LOL---Crazy Stuff!!
Thanks FA.

Bear

 

[GaryHibbert]

The really sad thing is......I can actually picture them saying these things.
Gary

 

[mneeley490]

I work in the court system. These definitely sound true to form. Some funny things I've seen/heard:

Judge: Bail is set at $50,000.
Defense Attorney: Your honor, may I ask you to reconsider? The bail set here at 1st appearance is known to influence the amount set if these allegations are charged in Superior Court.
Judge: Good! Bail is $100,000.

Judge: You are hereby sentenced to 90 days in jail, with credit for the 98 you've already served.
Defendant: Can I get credit for those extra days the next time I'm arrested?
Judge: Uh, well, I'm uh, hoping you won't be here again...

Guy once missed his court date for Possession of a Stolen Vehicle, because he got caught driving a stolen vehicle on his way to court.

On another stolen vehicle case, pictures of his arrest show the guy wearing a t-shirt that says, "Drive it like you stole it."

Guy shows up at 9am to plead guilty to a felony DUI, and he's wobbling a little as he stands before the judge, who is about 15' away. Even from that distance, the judge (and everybody else) can acutely smell alcohol coming from him.
Judge: Sir, how did you get here today?
Defendant: My friend drove me.
Judge: What's your friend's name?
Defendant: I don't remember.
Judge: Have you been drinking today??
Defendant: No.
Judge: I ask you again. Are you drunk?
Defendant: Maybe. (His attorney is looking helpless.)
Judge: We cannot proceed with this plea today. I'm finding Mr. X has violated his conditions of release. Officers, please remand him to the jail.
Defendant: Hey!! Whattabout my car!?

Officers bring in a sweet looking, little old lady before the judge. She looks like Granny from the Warner Bros. cartoons, who owns Tweety Bird.
Judge: Mam, we're here for a probable cause hearing for one count of felony harassment. Do you understand?
Little Old Lady: Yeah, you *%&$@#@^$*&$&^#&^$&#^%#*&$^&#&^%%$&%*^*(^*%%^DYRE^%&$&#^&$&*$%**^$@(*$$^&#$W$!@%##^*$^&#*$&^#&^#%$*^#^%@^&#^%#^&#%^#^&$^&#^&$*$&^#&*$&$$*&$^&@*T*%(*($&^%@$%*($!!@&*((%^$*(($#^#**((()&#@#^$#**(^)(%^$%&^#%(($&^#!!!!!!!!!!!!!@$^*(*#(&#^*)))()&$^#$*$@@#&!!%@^#$&()(*#^$#@%@#^()_)(*#%^@#@%)(*(*&%!$!@#%&())&^@%$@!%@#$^%*((__)*&#%^@#%%$*&)*&#^*^&)(&^#@@&*(@!!!!!!!!#@^*)*)&#%^@%@$^%*&(($^%#$*()())_))(%#(%&^)(_)*(&&^%#$%^@@%$%^*&)_*&#$#$*&)(*&%#@#$()!!!!!!!!!!
#*@% you!!
At this point the judge signals the officers to take her back into the holding tank.
Judge to defense attorney: Any objection to probable cause?
Defense Attorney: Um, no.
(I used to work on construction sites with iron workers, pipe fitters, electricians, etc, and I've never heard language like that!)