court system

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Fueling Around

Master of the Pit
Original poster
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Dec 10, 2018
FL winter, MN summer
How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces?
These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He’s 20, much like your IQ.

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male.

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

And last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.


Legendary Pitmaster
Staff member
OTBS Member
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Nov 9, 2019
Nw Iowa
And here's your sign! :emoji_laughing: There's no way I could keep a straight face lol!

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Master of the Pit
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Nov 16, 2016
Sandusky, OH
Part of my gig requires going to Clerk of Courts. I carry a briefcase and dress well so I look the part. You have to go through a metal detector and Sheriff Deputy's work it. Attorneys are typically exempt from the detector (yep!) so they ask me if I am an attorney. I tell them no and I often hear some seriously funny remarks. Stuff like "good for you!" or "I could tell you were a good guy" LOL

If you guys like this stuff there is a treasure trove of funny videos of this type of it on You Tube. Court Cam.

My Uncle has been on the bench like 30 years and I work with many good honest lawyers. They exist but are in minority unfortunately.
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Master of the Pit
OTBS Member
SMF Premier Member
Jun 23, 2011
Everett, WA
I work in the court system. These definitely sound true to form. Some funny things I've seen/heard:

Judge: Bail is set at $50,000.
Defense Attorney: Your honor, may I ask you to reconsider? The bail set here at 1st appearance is known to influence the amount set if these allegations are charged in Superior Court.
Judge: Good! Bail is $100,000.

Judge: You are hereby sentenced to 90 days in jail, with credit for the 98 you've already served.
Defendant: Can I get credit for those extra days the next time I'm arrested?
Judge: Uh, well, I'm uh, hoping you won't be here again...

Guy once missed his court date for Possession of a Stolen Vehicle, because he got caught driving a stolen vehicle on his way to court.

On another stolen vehicle case, pictures of his arrest show the guy wearing a t-shirt that says, "Drive it like you stole it."

Guy shows up at 9am to plead guilty to a felony DUI, and he's wobbling a little as he stands before the judge, who is about 15' away. Even from that distance, the judge (and everybody else) can acutely smell alcohol coming from him.
Judge: Sir, how did you get here today?
Defendant: My friend drove me.
Judge: What's your friend's name?
Defendant: I don't remember.
Judge: Have you been drinking today??
Defendant: No.
Judge: I ask you again. Are you drunk?
Defendant: Maybe. (His attorney is looking helpless.)
Judge: We cannot proceed with this plea today. I'm finding Mr. X has violated his conditions of release. Officers, please remand him to the jail.
Defendant: Hey!! Whattabout my car!?

Officers bring in a sweet looking, little old lady before the judge. She looks like Granny from the Warner Bros. cartoons, who owns Tweety Bird.
Judge: Mam, we're here for a probable cause hearing for one count of felony harassment. Do you understand?
Little Old Lady: Yeah, you *%&[email protected]#@^$*&$&^#&^$&#^%#*&$^&#&^%%$&%*^*(^*%%^DYRE^%&$&#^&$&*$%**^[email protected](*$$^&#[email protected]%##^*$^&#*$&^#&^#%$*^#^%@^&#^%#^&#%^#^&$^&#^&$*$&^#&*$&$$*&$^&@*T*%(*($&^%@$%*([email protected]&*((%^$*(($#^#**((()&#@#^$#**(^)(%^$%&^#%(($&^#[email protected]$^*(*#(&#^*)))()&$^#$*[email protected]@#&!!%@^#$&()(*#^$#@%@#^()_)(*#%^@#@%)(*(*&%[email protected]#%&())&^@%[email protected]!%@#$^%*((__)*&#%^@#%%$*&)*&#^*^&)(&^#@@&*(@!!!!!!!!#@^*)*)&#%^@%@$^%*&(($^%#$*()())_))(%#(%&^)(_)*(&&^%#$%^@@%$%^*&)_*&#$#$*&)(*&%#@#$()!!!!!!!!!!
#*@% you!!
At this point the judge signals the officers to take her back into the holding tank.
Judge to defense attorney: Any objection to probable cause?
Defense Attorney: Um, no.
(I used to work on construction sites with iron workers, pipe fitters, electricians, etc, and I've never heard language like that!)
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