The Story of Benny
There was this guy called Benny.
Now, Benny was a straight up loser. He was ugly, fat, unshaven, and didn’t know how to speak without stuttering. No life, no girlfriend, nor friends to speak of, Benny spent his days at home watching TV and crying himself to bed every night. The existence of this man was a sad one indeed.
The one joy Benny had in his life were long walks on the beach while watching the sunset, which he enjoyed very much.
One day while walking on the beach while mumbling to himself on how horrid his life was, he tripped over a piece of metal. Leaning down, he saw that he had tripped over a dusty old lamp. He gave it a good rub and lo and behold, a Genie appeared out of thin air.
“I must thank you from freeing me from that lamp for a few minutes,” the Genie boomed, “Any more and it would have done a number on my back.”
Disturbed and a little bit scared, the frightened Benny inched back a few paces and in a shaky voice, replied, “Who are you and what do you want?”
“My name is Steve, and I’m the Genie of the Lamp. For freeing me for these few moments I shall grant you three wishes. But I must warn you, be careful what you wish for. Every wish will have a price that you will have to pay.”
Now Benny was an accountant, and a smart man. He thought for a moment before asking, “Well, if every wish has its own price, may I request what the price is before my wishes are finalized?”
The Genie scratched his beard thoughtfully for a few seconds. “Well, I don’t see why not. No one’s asked me that before, but I guess it couldn’t hurt. So, what are your wishes?”
“Well, for my first wish, I wish to be the handsomest man in the world. I want there to be no man more physically attractive than I.”
“Eh, that’s easy,” laughed the Genie, “I get that all the time.”
“For my second wish, I wish there to be not only physically attractive but socially attractive as well. I want to be charming and be able to speak fluently and seem pleasant as a person.”
“I can do that as well.”
“For my final wish, I wish to have a bank account that never drops below a million dollars. I wish there to be a steady supply of cash in this account so that I may never be without money.”
“Ha! Easier than the first two! Yes, I can provide you these things.”
“Now,” Benny continued thoughtfully, “What would be the price of having these things?”
The Genie sat in quiet contemplation for a few moments before resting his eyes on Benny’s unshaven beard. With a shrewd look about his face, he said, “Well, this is your price. I will make you the richest, most handsome, most charming man in the world. In return, you must always wear a beard. If you ever shave your beard off, lightning will strike you down where you stand and turn you into a pile of ashes.”
“Well,” Benny thought to himself, “I guess wearing a beard can’t be that bad. There are many very popular men today that are known for their beards, like Sean Connery.”
“Do you find these terms acceptable?” the Genie asked.
“Yes I do,” answered Benny. “For my three wishes, I agree to never shave again.”
“Then it is done!” laughed the Genie. Snapping his fingers, Benny is caught up in a flash of bright light. When it dies down he notices that he is now a very charming and handsome man. “Oh yes, and take this as well,” added the Genie, handing over a large folder, “it contains the details to your Swiss bank account.” With that, the Genie disappeared.
The first thing Benny did was to get himself some new clothes. After suiting up, he proceeded to buy the most expensive sports car he could find, and drove and immediately bought a 3 story house on top of a hill overlooking the town, which he proceeded to fill with luxurious furnishings, art, and anything else that took his fancy.
It wasn’t long before Benny was the talk of the town. He would throw lavish parties every weekend at his house, buy a sports car every other month, and always seemed to be with a new drop dead gorgeous women every time someone saw him.
Celebrities began to make note of him and visit his home on top of the hill. He was truly happy, having had everything in life he ever wanted.
Finally, the inevitable happened. Benny started dating this one woman that he absolutely fell in love with. Her name was Amy, and she meant the world to Benny.
After several months of seeing each other, Benny finally asked her to marry him, and she said yes. Life couldn’t have seemed better to Benny, for now he truly had everything; money, fame, popularity, and now the girl of his dreams.
He quickly began to plan the most luxurious wedding that had ever been seen. He managed to book celebrities to show up to do guest performances and speeches, paid off the police to set up a fireworks display, and had even got Stevie Wonder to come and play the wedding theme when his lovely wife was to walk down the aisle.
However, a week before the wedding, Benny caught Amy looking at him oddly. Sitting next to her, he asked, “What’s wrong my dear?”
“Well,” she sighed, “I’ve just never seen you clean shaven before. I was wondering if you could shave off your beard for the wedding.”
At this point, Benny’s face turns ashen white. He begins to stutter and almost fainted before managing to mutter out the words, “I can’t.”
His wife to be badgered him for ten more minutes before he continued, “Look, honey. I can do anything in the world for you. I can buy anything you want, take anywhere you want, I just can’t shave off my beard.”
His wife begins begging and pleading with him. Benny lets out a frustrated sigh, trying to block out his fiancé’s nagging. It was at that point he began to think to himself.
“You know, I’m sure someone else has found the Genie by now. He’s probably busy watching someone else or granting someone their wishes. But no, I can’t shave. I don’t want to risk it all for a beard!”
At this point, the wife breaks out a woman’s secret weapon over their men; she begins sobbing, “Why oh why can’t you shave for me Benny? If you truly love me why can’t you at least cut off a few hairs for our wedding day? Please?”
This proves too much for Benny and he finally agrees, to which his wife lets out a squeal of joy and gives him a kiss on the cheek.
“There’s only one thing,” said Benny, “I need to borrow your razor, as I don’t own any.” Amy gladly lent him her own razor, and Benny stepped into the bath room and sighed at his reflection in the mirror.
“Hopefully,” he thinks to himself, “the Genie is no longer watching me. Surely he has other things to do.” He tenses and he lathers cream onto his face and makes a nick and steps back, at which point nothing happens.
He lets out a sigh of relief. “Well, I guess that proves that the Genie’s forgotten about me,” he thinks happily. More relaxed, he begins shaving off the rest of his beard. When he makes the final stroke of his (or her) razor, nicking off the last small piece of hair from his chin, lightning suddenly shoots through the bathroom window and strike Benny dead on the spot, leaving him in a pile of ashes.
Amy hears the noise and rushes to the restroom. Upon opening the door, she sees a pile of ashes and the razor, and realizes that the ashes were all that remained of Benny, and that this was somehow her own fault.
With a sad heart, she goes into town and buys the most lavish urn she can find and places her husband-to-be’s remains in it and set it on the mantle, where Benny is to this day.
And the moral of this story:
A Benny shaved is a Benny urned.
There was this guy called Benny.
Now, Benny was a straight up loser. He was ugly, fat, unshaven, and didn’t know how to speak without stuttering. No life, no girlfriend, nor friends to speak of, Benny spent his days at home watching TV and crying himself to bed every night. The existence of this man was a sad one indeed.
The one joy Benny had in his life were long walks on the beach while watching the sunset, which he enjoyed very much.
One day while walking on the beach while mumbling to himself on how horrid his life was, he tripped over a piece of metal. Leaning down, he saw that he had tripped over a dusty old lamp. He gave it a good rub and lo and behold, a Genie appeared out of thin air.
“I must thank you from freeing me from that lamp for a few minutes,” the Genie boomed, “Any more and it would have done a number on my back.”
Disturbed and a little bit scared, the frightened Benny inched back a few paces and in a shaky voice, replied, “Who are you and what do you want?”
“My name is Steve, and I’m the Genie of the Lamp. For freeing me for these few moments I shall grant you three wishes. But I must warn you, be careful what you wish for. Every wish will have a price that you will have to pay.”
Now Benny was an accountant, and a smart man. He thought for a moment before asking, “Well, if every wish has its own price, may I request what the price is before my wishes are finalized?”
The Genie scratched his beard thoughtfully for a few seconds. “Well, I don’t see why not. No one’s asked me that before, but I guess it couldn’t hurt. So, what are your wishes?”
“Well, for my first wish, I wish to be the handsomest man in the world. I want there to be no man more physically attractive than I.”
“Eh, that’s easy,” laughed the Genie, “I get that all the time.”
“For my second wish, I wish there to be not only physically attractive but socially attractive as well. I want to be charming and be able to speak fluently and seem pleasant as a person.”
“I can do that as well.”
“For my final wish, I wish to have a bank account that never drops below a million dollars. I wish there to be a steady supply of cash in this account so that I may never be without money.”
“Ha! Easier than the first two! Yes, I can provide you these things.”
“Now,” Benny continued thoughtfully, “What would be the price of having these things?”
The Genie sat in quiet contemplation for a few moments before resting his eyes on Benny’s unshaven beard. With a shrewd look about his face, he said, “Well, this is your price. I will make you the richest, most handsome, most charming man in the world. In return, you must always wear a beard. If you ever shave your beard off, lightning will strike you down where you stand and turn you into a pile of ashes.”
“Well,” Benny thought to himself, “I guess wearing a beard can’t be that bad. There are many very popular men today that are known for their beards, like Sean Connery.”
“Do you find these terms acceptable?” the Genie asked.
“Yes I do,” answered Benny. “For my three wishes, I agree to never shave again.”
“Then it is done!” laughed the Genie. Snapping his fingers, Benny is caught up in a flash of bright light. When it dies down he notices that he is now a very charming and handsome man. “Oh yes, and take this as well,” added the Genie, handing over a large folder, “it contains the details to your Swiss bank account.” With that, the Genie disappeared.
The first thing Benny did was to get himself some new clothes. After suiting up, he proceeded to buy the most expensive sports car he could find, and drove and immediately bought a 3 story house on top of a hill overlooking the town, which he proceeded to fill with luxurious furnishings, art, and anything else that took his fancy.
It wasn’t long before Benny was the talk of the town. He would throw lavish parties every weekend at his house, buy a sports car every other month, and always seemed to be with a new drop dead gorgeous women every time someone saw him.
Celebrities began to make note of him and visit his home on top of the hill. He was truly happy, having had everything in life he ever wanted.
Finally, the inevitable happened. Benny started dating this one woman that he absolutely fell in love with. Her name was Amy, and she meant the world to Benny.
After several months of seeing each other, Benny finally asked her to marry him, and she said yes. Life couldn’t have seemed better to Benny, for now he truly had everything; money, fame, popularity, and now the girl of his dreams.
He quickly began to plan the most luxurious wedding that had ever been seen. He managed to book celebrities to show up to do guest performances and speeches, paid off the police to set up a fireworks display, and had even got Stevie Wonder to come and play the wedding theme when his lovely wife was to walk down the aisle.
However, a week before the wedding, Benny caught Amy looking at him oddly. Sitting next to her, he asked, “What’s wrong my dear?”
“Well,” she sighed, “I’ve just never seen you clean shaven before. I was wondering if you could shave off your beard for the wedding.”
At this point, Benny’s face turns ashen white. He begins to stutter and almost fainted before managing to mutter out the words, “I can’t.”
His wife to be badgered him for ten more minutes before he continued, “Look, honey. I can do anything in the world for you. I can buy anything you want, take anywhere you want, I just can’t shave off my beard.”
His wife begins begging and pleading with him. Benny lets out a frustrated sigh, trying to block out his fiancé’s nagging. It was at that point he began to think to himself.
“You know, I’m sure someone else has found the Genie by now. He’s probably busy watching someone else or granting someone their wishes. But no, I can’t shave. I don’t want to risk it all for a beard!”
At this point, the wife breaks out a woman’s secret weapon over their men; she begins sobbing, “Why oh why can’t you shave for me Benny? If you truly love me why can’t you at least cut off a few hairs for our wedding day? Please?”
This proves too much for Benny and he finally agrees, to which his wife lets out a squeal of joy and gives him a kiss on the cheek.
“There’s only one thing,” said Benny, “I need to borrow your razor, as I don’t own any.” Amy gladly lent him her own razor, and Benny stepped into the bath room and sighed at his reflection in the mirror.
“Hopefully,” he thinks to himself, “the Genie is no longer watching me. Surely he has other things to do.” He tenses and he lathers cream onto his face and makes a nick and steps back, at which point nothing happens.
He lets out a sigh of relief. “Well, I guess that proves that the Genie’s forgotten about me,” he thinks happily. More relaxed, he begins shaving off the rest of his beard. When he makes the final stroke of his (or her) razor, nicking off the last small piece of hair from his chin, lightning suddenly shoots through the bathroom window and strike Benny dead on the spot, leaving him in a pile of ashes.
Amy hears the noise and rushes to the restroom. Upon opening the door, she sees a pile of ashes and the razor, and realizes that the ashes were all that remained of Benny, and that this was somehow her own fault.
With a sad heart, she goes into town and buys the most lavish urn she can find and places her husband-to-be’s remains in it and set it on the mantle, where Benny is to this day.
And the moral of this story:
A Benny shaved is a Benny urned.
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