07 jan/feb/mar jokes

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larry maddock

Master of the Pit
Original poster
OTBS Member
Sep 27, 2005
A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday.
>She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.
>On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a
>paper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, "I hope
>you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"
>"About 32," is the reply. "Nope. I'm exactly 50," the woman
>says happily.
>A little while later she goes into a McDonald's and asks the
>counter girl the very same question. The girl replies, "I'd
>guess about 29." The woman replies with a big smile, "Nope,
>I'm 50."
>Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a
>pharmacy on her way down the street. She goes up to the
>counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning
>question. The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30." Again she
>proudly responds, "I'm 50, but thank you!"
>While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man
>waiting next to her the same question. He replies, "I'm 78
>and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young,
>there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It
>sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my
>hands under your bra. Then and only then can I tell you
>EXACTLY how old you are."
>They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity
>gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the
hell, go
>He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to
>feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and
>weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He
>pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each
>other. After a couple of minutes of this, she says "Okay,
>okay. How old am I?"
>He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his
>hands and says, "Madam, you are 50."
>Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible,
>how could you tell?"
>The old man says, "Promise you won't get mad?"
>"I promise I won't. she says.
>"I was behind you in McDonald's."
George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.

George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked, "Is someone in your house"? and he said "no." Then they said that all the patrols were busy and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.

George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30 and phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago, because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've just shot them all." Then he hung up.

Within five minutes, three police cars, an Armed Response unit and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips residence and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there
for a number of years when he came home one day to confess
to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an
urge to stick his ***** into the pickle slicer. His wife
suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about
it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to
over come the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could
see at once that something was seriously wrong.
"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.
"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous
urge to put my ***** into the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, Bill, you didn't!" she exclaimed.
"Yes, I did." he replied.
"My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh...she got fired too."
Three Wishes

A man was sitting alone in his office one night when a genie popped up out of his ashtray.

"And what will your third wish be"?

The man looked at the genie and said, "Huh? How can I be getting a third wish when I haven't had a first or second wish yet"?

"You have had two wishes already," the genie said, "but your second wish was for me to put everything back the way it was before you made your first wish. Thus, you remember nothing, because everything is the way it was before you made any wishes. You now have one wish left."

"Okay," said the man. "I don't believe this, but what the heck. I've always wanted to understand women. I'd love to know what's going on inside their heads."

"Sheesh! I wish you'd make up your mind," said the genie as it granted his wish and disappeared forever. "That was your first wish, too!"
When NASA was preparing for the Apollo Project, it took the astronauts to a Navajo reservation in Arizona
for training. One day, a Navajo elder and his son came across the space crew walking among the rocks The elder, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question. His son translated for the NASA people: "What are these guys in the big suits doing?" One of the astronauts said that they were practicing for a trip to the moon. When his son relayed this comment the Navajo elder got all excited and asked if it would be possible to give to the astronauts a message to deliver to the moon.

Recognizing a promotional opportunity when he saw one, a NASA official accompanying the astronauts said, "Why certainly!" and told an underling to get a tape recorder. The Navajo elder's comments into the microphone were brief. The NASA official asked the son if he would translate what his father had said. The son listened to the recording and laughed uproariously. But he refused to translate. So the NASA people took the tape to a nearby Navajo village and played it for other members of the tribe. They too laughed long and loudly, but also refused to translate the elder's message to the moon. An official government translator was summoned. After he finally stopped laughing, the translator relayed the message: "WATCH OUT FOR THESE *******S THEY HAVE COME TO STEAL YOUR LAND."
A fair warning to all of us! Remember your history! Some of it we do not want repeated!

The Flies

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing"? she asked.

"Hunting flies," he responded.

"Oh! Killing any"? she asked.

"Yep, three males, two females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked, "How can you tell them apart"?

He responded, "Three were on a beer can and two were on the phone."
McDonald's love story...
A little old couple walked slowly into a McDonald's one cold winter evening.


They looked out of place amid the young families and young couples eating there that night.

Some of the customers looked admiringly at them. You could tell what the admirers were thinking:


"Look, there is a couple who has been through a lot together, probably for 60 years or more!"

The little old man walked up to the cash register, placed his order with no hesitation and then paid for their meal.

The couple took a table near the back wall and started taking food off of the tray.


There was one hamburger, one order of french fries and one drink.

The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half.


He placed one half in front of his wife.

Then he carefully counted out the french fries, divided them in two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, and then his wife took a sip as the man began to eat his few bites.

Again, you could tell what people around the old couple were saying. - "They were used to sharing everything."


Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady still hadn't eaten a thing.

She just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally sipped some of the drink.

A young man came over and begged them to let him buy them another meal.


The lady explained that no, they were used to sharing.

As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly with a napkin, the young man could stand it no longer and asked again.

After being politely refused again, he finally asked the little old lady, "Ma'am, why aren't you eating. You said that you share everything.


What is it that you are waiting for?"

She answered,



You've got to love this little girl.
What a fine woman/wife
she'll make!

A teacher asked her class, "What do you want out of life?"

A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said,
"All I want out of life is four little animals."

The teacher asked, "Really and what four little animals
would that be sugar?"

The little girl said, "A mink on my back,
a jaguar in the garage,
a tiger in the bed and of course,
I'll need a jackass to pay for all of it."
The teacher fainted.
Kudos Larry! LMAO and woke up the hubby ( he needs to get up anyway, its Fri. nite
) who loves to read and tell good jokes.Thanks for starting my weekend on a great note
! Daun
A husband wakes up with a huge hangover the night after a
business function. He forces himself to open his eyes
and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins
next to a glass of
water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!

The husband sits up in bed and sees his
clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.

He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order,
spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins,
cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring
back at him in the bathroom mirror
and notices a note on the table:
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I
left early to go shopping. Love you!"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough,
there is hot breakfast and the morning newspaper.
His son is also at the table, eating.
The husband asks, "Son...what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3am, drunk and out of your mind.
You broke the coffee table, puked in the hallway ,
and got that black eye when you ran into the door."
The husband asks, "So, why is everything
in such perfect order, so clean,
and I have a rose and breakfast is on
the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh, THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom
and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed,
'Leave me alone, bitch, I'm married!!'"

Broken table--$200
Hot breakfast--$5
Red rose--$3
Two aspirins--$.25
Saying the right thing at the right time...PRICELESS!
Two Blondes With Hammers... Carol and Donna, were doing some
carpenter work on a Habitat for Humanity house. Carol, who was
nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out
a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in. Donna,
figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you throwing
those nails away?"

Carol explained, "When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of
them have the head on the wrong end and I throw them away."

Donna got completely upset and yelled, "You moron! Those nails
aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!"

Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death in a drive-in
movie? They had gone to see "Closed for the Winter."

A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the
tip of her index finger shot off.

"How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her.

"Well, I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied.

"What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by
shooting off your finger?"

"No, Silly" the blonde said. "First I put the gun to my chest, and
then I thought, 'I just paid $6,000.00 for these implants. I'm not
shooting myself in the chest."

"So then?" asked the doctor.

"Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, "I just paid
$3,000.00 to get my teeth straightened. I'm not shooting myself in the

"So then?" "Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: "This is
going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before
I pulled the trigger."

Did you hear about the near-tragedy at the mall? There was a power
outage, and three blondes were stuck on the escalator for more than
four hours.

A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really
bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she
took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde,
so he decided to have some fun. He told her to go home and blow into
the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out. So, the
blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing
into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, and
still nothing happened.

Her blonde roommate saw her and asked, "What are you doing?" The
first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow
into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.

The roommate rolled her eyes and said, "Duh, like... HELLO! You need
to roll up the windows first."

A blonde was shopping at Target and came across a shiny silver
thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and took
it to the clerk to ask what it was.

The clerk said, "Why, that's a thermos.....it keeps hot things hot,
and cold things cold."

"Wow," said the blonde, "that's amazing.! ...I'm going to buy it!!"
So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day.

Her boss saw it on her desk. "What's that," he asked?

"Why, that's a thermos.....it keeps hot things hot and cold things
cold," she replied.

Her boss inquired, "What do you have in it?"

The blond replied........"Two popsicles and some coffee."

AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST A blonde goes into work one morning crying her
eyes out. Her boss asked sympathetically, "What's the matter?"

The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying
that my mother had passed away."

The boss, feeling sorry for her, says, "Why don't you go home for the
day? Take the day off to relax and rest."

"Thanks, but I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it
and I have a better chance of doing that here."

The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work usual. A couple of
hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out
from his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically. "What's so
bad now? Are you gonna be okay?" he asks.

"No!" exclaims the blonde. "I just received a horrible call from my
sister. Her mother died, too."


Save the earth; it's the only planet with chocolate.
[font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Remarriage[/font]
[font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]A husband asks his wife, "If I should die first, would you marry again"? [/font]
[font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]"I would be heart-broken, of course," was her reply. "But, I think eventually, I would remarry." [/font]
[font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]"But you wouldn't bring him here to our house"? [/font]
[font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]"Why not? I've worked and slaved to make this house a home. There is no reason to abandon it." [/font]
[font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]"But you wouldn't sleep in our bed"? [/font]
[font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]"Well, I wouldn't run out and buy a new bed right away." [/font]
[font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]"Surely, you wouldn't let him use my golf clubs"? [/font]
[font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]"Of course not! He's lefthanded!"
At last, a bumper sticker for both parties.
FINALLY, someone has come out with a 100% bipartisan political bumper sticker. The hottest selling bumper sticker comes from New York state


Democrats put it on the rear bumper.

Republicans put it on the front bumper.

[font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]A Trip to Heaven[/font]
[font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to Heaven"? [/font]
[font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]The man said, "I do, Father."[/font]
[font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."[/font]
[font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]The priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to Heaven"? [/font]
[font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.[/font]
[font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.[/font]
[font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to Heaven"? [/font]
[font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."[/font]
[font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die, you don't want to go to Heaven"? [/font]
[font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."
[font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Mystery Man[/font]
[font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]A guy was hitchhiking on a very dark and stormy night. The night was getting on and no cars went by. Suddenly, he saw a car roll slowly toward him and stop.[/font]
[font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Without thinking about it, the guy jumped into the back seat and closed the door, when he suddenly realized there was nobody behind the wheel. Just then, the car started slowly rolling forward again. He was beginning to get really freaked out when he noticed a curve in the road ahead. He was just thinking about climbing into the front seat when a hand mysteriously appeared through the window and moved the wheel.[/font]
[font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]The guy, paralyzed in terror, watched how the hand appeared every time, right before a curve.[/font]
[font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Gathering his courage, the guy finally jumped out of the car and ran to the nearest town. Wet and in shock, he went to a restaurant and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just gone through.[/font]
[font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]About half an hour later, two guys walked into the same restaurant. They were looking around for a table when one said to the other, "Hey, look, isn't that the jerk who got in the car when we were pushing it"?
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