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Today's Lesson, the Blues!

sawhorseray

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If you are new to Blues music, or like it but never really understood the why and wherefores, here are some very fundamental rules:
1. Most Blues songs begin with: "Woke up this morning..."

2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line like, "I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town."

3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes - sort of like: "Got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher and she weigh 500 pound."

4. The Blues lyric is not about choice: 'You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch...ain't no way out'.

5. Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, Prius or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft and state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the Blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die!

6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or anywhere in Canada. Hard times in Portland, Minneapolis or Seattle is just clinical depression. Chicago, St. Louis, Kansas City, Memphis, and Nawlins are still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the Blues in any place that
don't get rain, like Palm Springs.

8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the Blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg 'cause you were skiing is not the Blues. Breaking your leg 'cause you were walking a coastal trail is not the Blues. Breaking your leg 'cause a alligator be chomping' on it is!

9. You can't have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.

10. Good places for the Blues:
a. highway
b. jailhouse
c. empty bed
d. bottom of a whiskey glass

11. Bad places for the Blues
a. Nordstrom's
b. gallery openings
c. horse back riding
d. golf courses

12. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you happen to be an old person, and you slept in it'.

13.Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, if:
a. you're older than dirt
b. you're blind
c. you shot a man in Memphis
d. you can't be satisfied

No, if:
a. you have all your teeth
b. you were once blind but now can see
c. the man in Memphis lived
d. you have a 401K or trust fund

14. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the Blues. Sonny Liston could have. Ugly white people that can entertain such as Mick Jagger, also got a leg up on the Blues.

15. If you ask for water and your darlin' gives you gasoline, it's the Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are:
a. cheap wine
b. whiskey or bourbon
c. muddy water
d. black coffee

The following are NOT Blues beverages:
a. Tea
b. Chardonnay
c. Snapple
d. Slim Fast

16. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a run down shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die.

So are the electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a broken-down cot. Also eating a tuna fish sam'idge. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match, being a paper pusher, or while getting liposuction.

17. Some Blues names for women:
a. Sadie
b. Big Mama
c. Bessie
d. Fat River Dumpling

18. Some Blues names for men:
a. Joe
b. Willie
c. Little Willie
d. Big Willie

19. Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Jennifer, Debbie, and Heather can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

20. Blues Name Starter Kit:

a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.)

b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi, etc.)

c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)

For example: Blind Lime Jefferson, Pegleg Lemon Johnson or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc. (Well, maybe not "Kiwi."LOL!)

21. And I don't care how tragic your life is, if anyone in your family plays soccer, you can't sing the blues.
 

sawhorseray

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tx smoker

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That is hilarious Ray and oh so true. Thanks for the chuckle my friend. I kinda needed that.

Robert
 

bbqbrett

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I woke up this mornin but this day just ain't no good
woke up this mornin but this day it just ain't no good
Went to light up the smoker and I'm all out of wood

Dyin for some bar-be-que, I really need a taste
gotta have some bar-be-que, I really need a taste
but that no good woman of mine
used all my hickory in the fireplace

Does that qualify for blues?
 

chopsaw

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That'd be BB Rich, my all-time favorite,
I know . Me too . First time you posted about seeing him in concert my thought was Wow ! I need to dig out my CD's and put some on my phone .
10 dollar dinner , Thanks for the snack . Lol classic .
 

smokeymose

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"Woke up this morning, found an egg in my bed..."
I know, that's Dylan. Sorry.
 

chopsaw

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Woke up this morning
right on the dime
first day all week I made work on time
wasn't there long ,
started to feel blue
seems showin up ain't good enough
they want me to work too .
 

flatbroke

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I woke up this mornin but this day just ain't no good
woke up this mornin but this day it just ain't no good
Went to light up the smoker and I'm all out of wood

Dyin for some bar-be-que, I really need a taste
gotta have some bar-be-que, I really need a taste
but that no good woman of mine
used all my hickory in the fireplace

Does that qualify for blues?
Is there a two drink minimum? That was pretty good
 
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