feb/march 06 jokes

[larry maddock]

Are you a Democrat, Republican or ....a Southern Republican ?

Here is a little test that will help you decide........

Question:
You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes on you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges. You are carrying a Glock 40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?

Democrat's Answer:
Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
Does the man look poor or oppressed?
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
Could we run away?
What does my wife think?
What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
What does the law say about this situation?
Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he would be happy with just killing me?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?
Should I call 9-1-1?
Why is this street so deserted? We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.
This is all so confusing! ! I need to debate this with some friends for few days and try to come to a consensus.

Republican's Answer:
......BANG!


Southern Republican's Answer:
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
click.....(sounds of reloading).
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
click
Daughter:
"Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips?"

 

[dacdots]

Yea it dont take much sense or reasoning skills to pull a trigger,just ask Dick Cheney

 

[smoking falcon]

I heard that Cheney was hunting Quail and missed... instead of hitting Dan, he hit his hunting buddy. :lol:

 

[larry maddock]

"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they
>wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're
>going to feel all day. "
>~Frank Sinatra

 

[larry maddock]

A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But it was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire pay check.

When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days"?

He replied, "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

 

[larry maddock]

And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin,
> of Cheers. One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the
> Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm.
> Here's how it went:
>
> "Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo
> can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when
> the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones
> at the back that are killed first This natural selection is
> good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of
> the whole group keeps improving by the
> regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the
> human brain can only operate as fast as the
> slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we
> know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and
> weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer
> eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more
> efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few
> beers."
>
>

 

[larry maddock]

Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman, already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down, I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

"I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."

 

[larry maddock]

University Classroom

The rules at a particular university were such that if the professor were not present in the classroom by 15 minutes past the hour, the class was considered a "walk" and the students were free to leave, with no penalties for missing a class.

The rooms were equipped with the type of wall clocks that "jumped" ahead each minute, in a very noticeable fashion. As it were, these clocks were also not of the most sophisticated construction. Some enterprising student discovered that if one were to hit the clock with chalkboard erasers, it would cause the clock to "jump" ahead one minute.

It became almost daily practice for these students to take target practice at the clock (as it would have it, this particular professor was not the most punctual, and the students considered him severely "absent-minded"). A few well aimed erasers and 15 minutes were passed, and class dismissed itself.

Well, when the day for the next exam rolled around, the professor strolled into the room, passed out the exams, and told them "You have one hour to complete."

The professor then proceeded to collect the erasers from around the room, gleefully taking aim at the clock. When he had successfully "jumped" the clock forward one hour, he closed the class and collected the exam papers.

 

[larry maddock]

Lying

A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17."

The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17.

Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only 16 chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."

 

[larry maddock]

Visiting Paris

Two sisters spent two weeks in Paris. The locals obviously hated Americans. No matter where they went, they were subject to rude behavior from waiters, store clerks, pedestrians, etc. After awhile, it started to irritate them.

One day, in Paris, one sister went shopping. She entered a store and started looking around. She was the only customer in the store. As she was looking through the clothes on the rack, a clerk hurriedly approached her and very abruptly asked if he could help her.

The sister was used to this bad treatment by now and she politely declined his help. She continued to look at the clothes. Then she noticed that every clerk in the store was staring at her.

Defiantly, she continued to look through the clothes. When she could take this treatment no longer, she turned on her heels, with her head held high and left the shop.

As she left, she noticed that the sign on the store read, "Dry Cleaners."