APRIL/MAY/JUNE-06

[larry maddock]

The Perfect Husband

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

Man: "Hello."

Woman: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club"?

Man: "Yes."

Woman: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it okay if I buy it"?

Man: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

Woman: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2006 models. I saw one that I really liked."

Man: "How much"?

Woman: "$90,000."

Man: "Okay, but for that price, I want it with all the options."

Woman: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."

Man: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. It's really a pretty good price."

Woman: "Okay. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"

Man: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.

He smiles and asks, "Anyone know who this phone belongs to"?

Daily Thoughts

 

[larry maddock]

Crazy Bank

Our grandma died this past January and Citibank billed her for the months of February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card. They also added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00 and now it is somewhere around $60.00! A family member placed a call to Citibank:

Family Member: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January."
Bank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."
Family Member: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections."
Bank: "Since it is two months past due, it already has been."
Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead"?
Bank: "Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!"
Family Member: "Do you think God will be mad at her"?
Bank: "Excuse me"?
Family Member: "Did you just get what I was telling you, the part about her being dead"?
Bank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor."

The supervisor gets on the phone:

Family Member: "I'm calling to tell you she died in January."
Bank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."
Family Member: "You mean you want to collect from her estate"?
Bank: (Stammer) "Are you her lawyer"?
Family Member: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given).
Bank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death"?
Family Member: "Sure."

The fax number is given. After they get the fax:

Bank: "Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more I can do to help."
Family Member: "Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care."
Bank: "Well, the late fees and charges do still apply."
Family Member: "Would you like her new billing address"?
Bank: "That might help."
Family Member: "Odessa Memorial Cemetery, Highway 129, Plot Number 69."
Bank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"
Family Member: "What do you do with dead people on your planet"?

--Submitted by Bernadette Meunier

 

[larry maddock]

At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. "Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn't heard the question.

"Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated. The witness still did not respond.

Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question."

"Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."

 

[larry maddock]

Subj: Man Saves Boy And Kills Dog

In Mobile, Alabama, it seems a guy was riding down the street when he noticed a dog attacking a little boy. He jumped out of his car, pulled the dog off and strangled it barehanded. The local newspaper editor saw it all, and rushed over to the man. "Wow, what a brave thing, tomorrow's headline will read 'Local Man Saves Boy's Life'" he says.

The man said, "Well, I'm not from Mobile."

The editor thought and said, "OK, how about 'Alabama Man Does Heroic Deed'"?

"Thanks, but actually I'm from Illinois, down here on business," the man said.

The headline the next day read "Yankee Barbarian Kills Family Pet."

************************************************** *******

 

[larry maddock]

Garage Sale

Early one evening, a man went out to his garage and pulled the lawn furniture out onto the driveway. Shortly after followed the lawn mower, a few gardening tools and a bicycle.

A curious neighbor wandered over and asked if he was going to have a garage sale.

"No," replied the gentleman, "my son just bought his first car and right now he's getting ready for a big date."

"So what's with all the stuff"? asked the neighbor.

"Well, after years of moving tricycles, toys and sports equipment out of the way every time I came home from work, I wanted to make sure the driveway was ready for him."

 

[larry maddock]

Another Talking Dog

A guy is driving around Newfoundland and he sees a sign in front of a house that says "Talking Dog For Sale."

He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador Retriever sitting there.

"You talk"? he asks.

"Yes, I do," the Lab replies.

"So, what's your story"?

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told CSIS about my gift, and in no time at all, they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running."

"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger, so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars," the man says.

"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing. Why on Earth are you selling him so cheap"?

"That ole dog's a danged liar. He never did any of that stuff."

 

[larry maddock]

One Wish

A dude was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The dude pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me."

The dude thought about it for a long time.

Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make this woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge"?

 

[larry maddock]

A drill sergeant had just chewed out one of his cadets, and as he was walking away, he turned to the cadet and said, "I guess when I die you'll come and dance on my grave."

The cadet replied, "Not me, Sarge. No sir! I promised myself that when I got out of the Army, I'd never stand in another line!"

 

[larry maddock]

>She's Gone . . . .
>
>She told me we couldn't afford beer anymore
>and I'd have to quit drinking.....
>
>Then I caught her spending $65.00 on
>make-up, and I asked how come I had to give
>up stuff and not her.
>
>She said she needed the make-up to look
>pretty for me.
>
>I told her that was what the beer was for.....
>
>I don't think she's coming back....
>

 

[larry maddock]

Joe's will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Helen, turned to her oldest friend.

"Well, I'm sure Joe would be pleased," she said.

"I'm sure you're right," replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in close. "How much did this really cost"?

"All of it," said Helen. "Thirty-thousand."

"No!" Jody exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000"?

Helen answered. "The funeral was $ 6,500. I donated $500 to the church. The wake, food and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the memorial stone."

Jody computed quickly. "$22,500 for a memorial stone? My God, how big is it!"?

"Two and a half carats."