Folks, This story is MOSTLY true , As much as it shames me to say. I will clean it up as much as humanly possible . Actually, it is ''embellished'' very little. I used to live in a small township called Lizard Lick , NC. [no joke, look it up ] it is just a few miles east of Raleigh NC. on old hwy 64 e. I was home on leave from Uncle Sam's Misguided Children. My buddy Cowboy came home with me to spend some time . He had a wife or two somewhere but was not on good terms with either or any of them. In the next town ,east on Old 64 is THE PLACE to go to at that time in the early seventies for a REAL carnival. A little town called Zebulon NC. Fairly early in the evening Cowboy and I got about a gallon of loudmouth and took off for the carnival. Dwarf ,at that time drank a little from time to time . Being a jarhead's wife left her little choice I guess. She quit altogether not too long after this adventure. She ain't but 4'8'' but when she started in on uncle Jack she started feeling TALL.. But I tend to wander .. They had a lot of sideshows and events that today are just plain illegal. But FUN !!. Dwarf had the unenviable task of keeping us out of trouble. Until she got tipsy. Then WE tried to keep her quiet and civil. NOT !! About this time we decided to go to the hoochie coochie show. I won't dwell on that too long because it is too hard to clean up and has little to do with the main theme here. But believe me, them shows were not the same thing that they are today ! On the way out of the tent , [Dwarf was waitin' outside] Cowboy struck up a conversation with a lady outside the tent door. I think he was trying out some of them old pick up lines that went out before we were born. Corny then, corny now. Dwarf kept trying to get Cowboy's attention and he was doin' his best to ignore her and to give her a hint to leave him alone. I thought that he was doin' right well for a braindead redneck and I told Dwarf to give him a little slack. He just might get lucky. I mean even a blind hog can find an acorn once in a while ,U know ? But Dwarf just WOULD NOT LET UP !! Dwarf drug me off a few feet and told me that if I had not tried to drink all the alcohol in Wake county [along with Cowboy] [and we almost done it ] That I would have noticed IT myself. WHAT ''IT'' ? Dwarf in her sweetest voice called my attention to that big ole Adams Apple with that long black hair still hangin' out . I guess that the five-o-clock shadow should have registered but I weren't at my best I recon. She, or He, whatever U like,on second glance was not anything to write home about. Skinny.. If it's knees would bend backwards it would look like a stork. Of course ''I'' Knew it al along. Just playing with Cowboy. U Know . I went over to cowboy and tapped him on the shoulder and he brushed me off . I Then grabbed a handfull of ear and pulled him off a short distance. I told him. Cowboy is a good man to have with U in a tight spot as he has proved on many occasions. But he is just about as subtle as a knife blade. It was at just about this time that things started going to CRAP.. This is one of them true parts.. He walked over and did a ''Crockadile Dundee Test'' . Then he commenced to beating knots on his/it's head. I was able to pull him off before he did any gettin'locked up damage. Dwarf's pocketbook supplied the refreshments with the help of a seven up from the grab joint. I thought that he had drank enough [and Dwarf had informed me that I had also ] So we were heading out the midway and spied MR.MONKEY.. From here on it seems like a nightmare from the other side.. The barker was asking for people to pay 5.00 to fight that monkey. If U lasted 3 full minutes U won 500.00 and at that time it was a FORTUNE.. This monkey was probably a chimp but at the time it looked like an old shriveled up Mike Tyson. No Krap. It looked like it couldn't keep it's eyes open. It had a muzzle on and it was sitting there like it was propped up. Cowboy said ''Just How Hard Can It Be ?'' Remember them words folks.. Cowboy said ME FIRST.. We did it the democratic way. I flipped and he won.. He paid the 5.00 and was told the rules. Just last 3 minutes. No Holds Barred. If U want to quit just hit the mat 3 times with your hand , or whatever. Simple.. Cowboy placed second in the Camp Legune full contact hand to hand combat finals. [true] I was already thinkin' of ways to do him out of some of that money. [true too] He got in the cage. BIG CAGE.. The barker closed and latched the door . I was wondering what was holding that monkey upright. The man blew the whistle and that monkey came ALIVE.. It was like he had a switch on his back . Very Off and Very ON.. That is when I started to get second thoughts. He came off that stool like he was shot out of a cannon. damn near tore Cowboy's ear off with them big black nails of his first thing. I could tell right off the bat why he had that muzzle on. [maybe Mike learned to fight from that monkey] [they both have a thing for ears] He lasted maybe a minute. He hit the mat 3 times. The man blew the whistle . It looked like someone hit the switch on his back . He just sort of wandered back over to his stool and went back to sleep. I was gettin' real worried. Dwarf was startin' to giggle. I went in and helped Cowboy out of the cage . The Barker just got out a box and stuck a bandage on my buddy's ear. just normal every day stuff. That AWFUL monkey just ignored us and picked his nose and butt. I never turned my back on him. About now Dwarf was not giggling. She was just plain downright laughing. It was gettin' embarrasing. I was trying to lead Cowboy away while we still had SOME measure of dignity when he said ''your turn'' Well my pride would not let me back down. [also known as stupidity ] I dove into Dwarf's pocketbook again right there in front of God and everybody else. Drank about a pint of loudmouth and got in the cage. Man blew the whistle .. Thank GOD for that muzzle. Them damn nails were like a garden rake. I couldn't get anything done for covering my ears. After that big chug of courage he looked like a demented dwarf set on kill mode. In lieu of telling the rest of my defeat just let me say that I don't believe that I lasted as long as old vincent van goh over there. I still had both my ears and most of the rest of me in more or less one piece and we started for the gate again. Dwarf was calling us Mohamed Collie and Casius Cur.. [real funny] On the way out we saw another barker who wanted us to wrestle a bear. No Crap.. A BEAR.. 500.00 yada yada yada. and folks U have to bear in mind that just about everyone we knew in this world watched us get our plow cleaned by a MONKEY !!.. Cowboy , in all his charm and lovableness [sp] said LET'S FIGHT THE BEAR !!... I lost it and hit him and said something to the effect that we couldn't beat a monkey and now U want to fight a damn BEAR !! Hell, Ain't we embarrased enough ? and my darlin Dwarf told us that if Dannel Boon could do it , we should be able to. Hell, we couldn't walk . People , more of this story is true than U might believe.. Hemi.