Chili Cook-Off

Discussion in 'Jokes' started by shortrib, Jun 8, 2007.

  1. shortrib

    shortrib Fire Starter

    This has been floating around teh Internet for a couple of years now. Thought I would post it here...


    Chili Cook-Off
    If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there's no hope
    for you. I was crying by the end. This is an actual account as relayed
    to paramedics at a chili cook-off in Texas.

    Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the
    first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For
    those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They
    actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It
    takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park.

    Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting
    from Springfield, IL.
    Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
    cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
    happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for
    directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was
    assured by the other two judges(Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't
    be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer
    during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3."
    Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

    CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI
    Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
    Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
    Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could

    remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
    flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.


    CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
    Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
    Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
    seriously.
    Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what
    I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
    wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer
    when they saw the look on my face.

    CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
    Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
    Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
    Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
    like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get
    me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my
    backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting ****faced from
    all of the beer.

    CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
    Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
    Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
    other mild foods, not much of a chili.
    Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable

    to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer
    maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is
    starting to look HOT ... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is
    chili an aphrodisiac?


    CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
    Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
    considerable kick. Very impressive.
    Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
    admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
    Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I
    can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed
    paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her
    chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by
    pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my
    lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop
    screaming. Screw them.

    CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
    Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
    spices and peppers.
    Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic.
    Superb.
    Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
    sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it
    will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me
    except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my
    butt with a snow cone.


    CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
    Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
    Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
    chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried
    about Judge # 3. He appears to be a bit of distress as he is cursing
    uncontrollably.
    Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
    wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
    like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which
    slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my
    shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've
    decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting
    any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the
    4-inch hole in my stomach.

    CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI
    Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
    bold but spicy enough to
    declare its existence.
    Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild
    nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted,
    passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.
    Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have
    reacted to really hot chili?
    Judge # 3 - No Report
     
  2. smokin for life

    smokin for life Smoking Fanatic OTBS Member

    ROFLMAO.... You have just made my day.
     
  3. I used to make chili that got the same reaction from my friends. I had to start taming it back cause nobody else could eat it. But I always got a kick out of thier reactions.
     
  4. No matter how many times you read this , it is the FUNNIEST !.........[​IMG]
     
  5. ron50

    ron50 Master of the Pit OTBS Member SMF Premier Member

    NY
    I agree, I've read it before but that didn't make it any less funny this time.

    Thanks for the laugh.
     

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