For the men...this means war. (of the words....lol)

Discussion in 'Jokes' started by beerivore, Jun 11, 2007.

  1. What's the difference between a woman having her period and a terrorist?
    A: You can negotiate with a terrorist. [​IMG]

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    Why is it called PMS? -- Because "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken

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    I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life

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    Tongue Twister

    A guy with a black eye boards his plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat. He immediately notices that the guy next to him also has a black eye.

    He says to him, "Hey this is a coincidence: we both have black eyes. Mind if I ask how you got yours?"

    So the guy tells him: "Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident, sort of. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the biggest breasts in the world was there. So, instead of saying: I'd like a ticket to Pittsburgh, I said: I'd like a picket to Tittsburgh." "She socked me one."

    The first guy responded, "Mine was a tongue twister too."
    I was at the breakfast table and I wanted to say to my wife: Please pour me a bowl of Corn Flakes, but I accidentally said: You ruined my life, you lousy bitch.

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    The Top 10 reasons why a handgun is better than a woman

    #10 - You can trade an old .44 for two new .22s.


    #9 - You can keep one handgun at home and have another for
    when you're on the road.


    #8 - If you admire a friend's handgun, and tell him so, he
    will probably let you try it out a few times.


    #7 - Your primary handgun doesn't mind if you have a
    backup.


    #6 - Your handgun will stay with you even if you're out of
    ammo.


    #5 - A handgun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.


    #4 - Handguns function normally every day of the month.


    #3 - A handgun doesn't ask "Do these new grips make me look
    fat?"


    #2 - A handgun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you
    use it.


    AND THE NUMBER ONE WAY THAT A HANDGUN IS BETTER THAN A
    WOMAN . . . You can buy a silencer for a handgun.
     
  2. deejaydebi

    deejaydebi Smoking Guru

    LOL! [​IMG]
     
  3. Men are like ceramic tiles, lay'em right the first time and you can walk all over'em forever.

    (it's on buddy)

    :)
     
  4. It's soooooo true it hurts......ROFLMAO[​IMG]
     
  5. deejaydebi

    deejaydebi Smoking Guru

    How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male?


    All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.

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    What did God say after creating man?


    I can do so much better.


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    What is the difference between men and women?

    A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.




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    What should you give a man who has everything?


    A woman to show him how to work it.
     
  6. C'mon guys help me out. I am getting slaughtered here..... : P
     
  7. Hey Debi...

    Dont print too many jokes in one post, they wont be able to keep up!


    Lisa [​IMG]
     
  8. How do you save a man from drowning?
    Take your foot off of his head.



    Lisa [​IMG]
     
  9. pigcicles

    pigcicles Master of the Pit OTBS Member SMF Premier Member

    In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
    Then God created Man and rested.
    Then God created Woman.

    - Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

    Why do men die before their wives?

    - They want to.
     
  10. pigcicles

    pigcicles Master of the Pit OTBS Member SMF Premier Member

    Why do men break wind more than women?

    - Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the pressure.

    If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?

    - The dog. He'll shut up once you let him in.
     
  11. OMFG LMAO

    thanks for the support Pig[​IMG]
     
  12. pigcicles

    pigcicles Master of the Pit OTBS Member SMF Premier Member

    Rules Men Wish Women Knew
    1. If you think you are fat, you probably are.
    Do not ask us. We refuse to answer.

    2. Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, Put it down.
    3. Do not cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than
    short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that
    married women always cut their hair, and by then, you are stuck with her.

    4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if
    we can find the perfect present yet again!

    5. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect
    an answer you do not want to hear.

    6. Sometimes, we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
    7. Do not ask us what we are thinking about unless you are
    prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun
    formation and monster trucks.

    8. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or
    the changing of the tides. Let it be.

    9. Shopping is not a sport, and no, we are never
    going to think of it that way.

    10. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely
    anything you wear is fine. Really.

     
  13. [font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Q. Why do women have breasts? [/font]
    [font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]A. So men will talk to them. [/font]

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  14. Why is it important for a woman to look her best?


    Because plenty of men are stupid, but few of them are blind.


    [​IMG]
     
  15. pigcicles

    pigcicles Master of the Pit OTBS Member SMF Premier Member

    A husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up as it sometimes does.

    But then the wife suddenly stops and says "I don’t feel like it, I just want you to hold me." "WHAT!?" says her husband. The wife explains that he must be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman. He realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.

    The next day the husband takes her shopping at a big department store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. She can’t decide. He tells his wife to take all three of them. They head to the shoe department and pick up matching shoes worth $200 each.

    The pair go to the jewelry department where she finds a set of diamond earrings that her husband agrees to buy for her. The wife is so excited. She thinks her husband has flipped out - but she doesn’t care. She goes for the matching tennis bracelet. The husband says "You don’t even play tennis, but if you like it then let’s get it."

    The wife is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says to her husband, "I’m ready to go, let’s go to the cashier."

    The husband stops and says, "No, honey I don’t feel like buying all this stuff now." The wife’s face goes blank. "Honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while."

    The look on her face is indescribable and she is about to explode as her husband says, "You must be in tune with my financial needs as a Man."
     
  16. pigcicles

    pigcicles Master of the Pit OTBS Member SMF Premier Member

    [font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset.
    "You're running around with other women," she charged.
    "You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the only woman on earth."
    The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve.
    "What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.
    "Counting your ribs!"
    [/font]
     
  17. How many men does it take to open a beer?
    - None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

    Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
    Because a woman who can't afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.


    Why do women have smaller feet than men?
    - It allows them to stand closer to the sink.

    How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
    - She starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."

    How do you fix a woman's watch?
    - It doesn't matter. There is a clock on the oven.

    What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
    - A woman that won't do what she's told.
    I married Miss Right.
    - I just didn't know her first name was Always.

    I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months!
    - I don't like to interrupt her.

    Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by up to 90%.
    - It's called wedding cake.

    Marriage is a three ring circus:
    - Engagement ring, wedding ring, suffering.

    My wife asked me "What's on the TV?"
    - I said, "Dust!"

    Why do men die before their wives?
    - They want to.

    A man inserted an advertisement in the classifieds section with the heading "Wife Wanted."
    - The next day he received a hundred letters saying "You can have mine."

    ok this is getting ugly [​IMG]
     
  18. pigcicles

    pigcicles Master of the Pit OTBS Member SMF Premier Member

    I'm just curious... what man set Lisa off ... this is getting wicked.
     
  19. gypsyseagod

    gypsyseagod Master of the Pit OTBS Member

    why does a woman take an hour to put on makeup & do her hair, to look like she has no makeup & not done her hair???
     
  20. I was just getting into the harrassing here :) I found some really funny jokes and threw them in here [​IMG]
     

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