Are Lawyers Smart?

Discussion in 'Jokes' started by crewdawg52, Dec 10, 2007.

  1. crewdawg52

    crewdawg52 Master of the Pit OTBS Member

    These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and
    now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while
    these exchanges were actually taking place.


    ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
    WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
    ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
    WITNESS: My name is Susan!
    ____________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
    WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
    ____________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
    WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
    ____________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
    WITNESS: I forget.
    ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
    ___________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
    WITNESS: We both do.
    ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
    WITNESS: We do.
    ATTORNEY: You do?
    WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
    ____________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he
    doesn't know about it until the next morning?
    WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
    ____________________________________

    ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
    WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty.
    ___________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
    WITNESS: Are you ****t'in me?
    _________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
    WITNESS: Uh.... I was gett'in laid!
    ____________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
    WITNESS: None.
    ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
    WITNESS: Are you ****t'in me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
    ____________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
    WITNESS: By death.
    ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
    WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
    ____________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
    WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
    ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
    WITNESS: Guess.
    _____________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
    WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
    ______________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
    WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to
    rephrase that?
    _________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
    WITNESS: Oral.
    _________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
    WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
    ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
    WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
    ____________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
    WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
    ______________________________________

    And the best for last:

    ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
    WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
    ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
    WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law
     
  2. dingle

    dingle Smoking Fanatic OTBS Member

    LMAO!!!! Too funny!
     
  3. gofish

    gofish Smoking Fanatic OTBS Member

    I dont think we had any lawyers in the "whats your occupation" thread. Or, are they just not fessin' up?

    That was a good one, I bet there are hundreds more just like that.
     

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