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Thought you might like this Judge says at this contest

Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by chipotlepat, Jan 8, 2006.

  1. Inexperienced Chili Taster

    Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named FRANK, who was visiting
    Texas from New York:
    "Recently I was honored to be selected as an outstanding Famous
    celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a chili cook-off, because no one
    else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the
    last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table
    asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured
    by the other two judges

    (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides
    they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I
    accepted." Here are the scorecards from the event:

    Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
    JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
    JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
    FRANK: Holy smokes, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove
    dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the
    flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These hicks are crazy.

    Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
    JUDGE ONE: Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
    JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
    FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am
    supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
    wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of
    the beer line.

    Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
    JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
    JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
    FRANK: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I've located a uranium
    spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows
    the routine by now and got out of my way so I could make it to the
    beer wagon. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the
    front part of my chest.

    Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
    JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
    JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
    other mild foods, not much of a chili.
    FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
    taste it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh
    refills so I wouldn't have to dash over to see her.

    Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover

    JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
    considerable kick. Very impressive.
    JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must
    admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
    FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I
    farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant
    seemed hurt when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage.
    Sally saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher.
    Sort of irritates me that one of the other judges asked me to stop

    Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
    JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
    spice and peppers.
    JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
    garlic. Superb.
    FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous
    flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally.

    Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
    JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
    JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chili
    peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about
    Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress.
    FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth and pull the pin, and I
    wouldn't feel it. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds
    like it is made of rushing water. My clothes are covered with chili
    which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point. Good! At autopsy
    they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too
    painful, and I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll
    just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.

    Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
    JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all,
    not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
    JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild
    nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3
    fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself.

    FRANK: (editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)
  2. I saw this at a neighborhood chili cookoff in Nov. I forgot how funny this was, I was in tears reading it again.
  3. I love this tale. I am just about in tears every time I read it.