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Thought you might like this Judge says at this contest

chipotlepat

Newbie
23
10
Joined Dec 22, 2005
Inexperienced Chili Taster

Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named FRANK, who was visiting
Texas from New York:
"Recently I was honored to be selected as an outstanding Famous
celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a chili cook-off, because no one
else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the
last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table
asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured
by the other two judges

(Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides
they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I
accepted." Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy smokes, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove
dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the
flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These hicks are crazy.

Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of
the beer line.

Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I've located a uranium
spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows
the routine by now and got out of my way so I could make it to the
beer wagon. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the
front part of my chest.

Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
taste it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh
refills so I wouldn't have to dash over to see her.

Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I
farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant
seemed hurt when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage.
Sally saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher.
Sort of irritates me that one of the other judges asked me to stop
screaming.

Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous
flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally.

Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chili
peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about
Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth and pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel it. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds
like it is made of rushing water. My clothes are covered with chili
which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point. Good! At autopsy
they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too
painful, and I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll
just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all,
not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild
nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3
fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself.

FRANK: (editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)
 

brozach

Newbie
8
10
Joined Jan 2, 2006
I saw this at a neighborhood chili cookoff in Nov. I forgot how funny this was, I was in tears reading it again.
 

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