Master of the Pit
- Joined Sep 7, 2015
Winston Churchill loved paraprosdokians, figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected.
1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it's still on my list.
3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
5. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
6. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
7. They begin the evening news with 'Good Evening,' then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
9. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out, I just wanted pay checks.
10. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put "DOCTOR."
11. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
12. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street...with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
13. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
14. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.
15. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
16. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
17. There's a fine line between cuddling and...holding someone down so they can't get away.
18. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.
19. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
20. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
21. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
22. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
23. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
24. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but now it’s getting harder and harder for me to find one.
Check out these additional comedic paraprosdokian examples, and notice how they often use puns:
- I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it. –Groucho Marx
- He taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house. –Zsa Zsa Gabor
- I haven’t slept for 10 days, because that would be too long. –Mitch Hedberg
- Standing in the park today, I was wondering why a frisbee looks larger the closer it gets...then it hit me. –Stewart Francis
- When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them. –Rodney Dangerfield
- My husband can't stand to see trash and garbage lying around the house – he can't stand the competition. –Phyllis Diller
- Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time. –George Carlin
- There are three kinds of people in the world – those who can count, and those who can’t. –Unknown
- I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world because they'd never expect it. –Jack Handey
- The company accountant is shy and retiring. He's shy a quarter of a million dollars. That's why he's retiring. –Milton Berle
- I’m a very tolerant man, except when it comes to holding a grudge. –Robin Williams
- I saw a bank that said “24 Hour Banking,'”but I don't have that much time. –Stephen Wright
- Always remember my grandfather’s last words: “A truck!” –Emo Phillips
- Half of all marriages end in divorce—and then there are the really unhappy ones. –Joan Rivers