• Some of the links on this forum allow SMF, at no cost to you, to earn a small commission when you click through and make a purchase. Let me know if you have any questions about this.
SMF is reader-supported. When you buy through links on our site, we may earn an affiliate commission.

larry maddock

Master of the Pit
Original poster
OTBS Member
Sep 27, 2005
:oops: Today's Joke

Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?

A contestant on "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" had reached the final plateau. If she answered the next question correctly, she would win $1,000,000. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $32,000 milestone money.

As she suspected it would be, the million dollar question was no pushover. It read, "Which of the following species of bird does not build its own nest, but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds"?

Is it: A.) the condor B.) the buzzard C.) the cuckoo or D.) the vulture

The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. She was double on the spot, because she had used up her 50/50 lifeline and her audience poll lifeline. All that remained was her phone a friend lifeline and the woman had hoped against hope that she would not have to use it, because the only friend that she knew would be home happened to be a blonde. But, the contestant had no alternative.

She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices.

The blonde responded unhesitatingly, "That's easy. The answer is C, the cuckoo."

The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast.

She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving Regis any answer except the one that her friend had given her. And, considering that her friend was a blonde, it would seem to be the logical thing to do. On the other hand, the blonde had responded with such confidence, such certitude that the contestant could not help but be persuaded.

"I need an answer," said Regis.

Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, "C, the cuckoo."

"Is that your final answer"? asked Regis.

"Yes, that is my final answer."

Two seconds later, Regis said, "I regret to inform you that the answer is absolutely correct. You are now a millionaire! "

Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends, including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars.

"Jenny, I just do not know how to thank you," said the contestant. "Because of your knowing the answer to that final question, I am now a millionaire. And do you want to know something? It was your assuredness with which you answered the question that persuaded me to go with your choice. By the way, how did you happen to know the right answer"?

"Oh, come on!" said the blonde. Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build nests. They live in clocks!"

Daily Thoughts
No one dies wishing they had spent more time at the office.

--Carl Rich
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their
days interesting.

Well, for example, the other day I went downtown and went
into a shop. I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out
there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. I went up to him and said, "Come
on, man, how about giving a retired person a break"?

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a "Nazi."

He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn
tires. So I called him a "doughnut eating Gestapo."

He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the
first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20
minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, I didn't care. I came downtown on the bus and the car that
he was putting the tickets on had a bumper sticker that said "Hillary in

I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important
to my health.
the Lone Ranger and Tonto are camping in the desert.
They set up their tent and then go to sleep.

Some hours later, The Lone Ranger wakes his faithful

"Tonto, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Tonto replies, "Me see millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?" asks The Lone Ranger.

Tonto ponders for a minute.
"Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies
and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.
Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three.
Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all powerful, thus we are small and
Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

What it tell you, Kemo Sabi?"

The Lone Ranger is silent for a moment, then speaks.

"Tonto, you Dummy, someone has stolen our tent."
A Spill

I was waiting tables at a country club when an elegantly dressed woman spilled Manhattan clam chowder all over her white linen skirt. She began furiously dabbing at it with a napkin.

Having plenty of experience with getting out feed stains, I asked, "Can I bring you some club soda"?

"Young lady," she barked, "I'll be the judge of when I've had enough to drink. Bring me another martini!"
An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son, Bob, in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but your mother and I are divorcing. Forty-five years of misery is enough! I'm sick of
her and I'm sick of talking about this, so call your sister in Boston and tell her." He then hangs up.

The son frantically calls his sister, who goes nuts upon hearing the news.

She calls her father and yells, "You are not getting a divorce! Bob and I will be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a single thing, do you hear me"?

The father hangs up the phone, turns to his wife and says, "It worked! The kids are coming for a visit and they're paying their own way!"
This is great ....
Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?"

"Yes. What can I do for you?"
"I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith....

He's hidin' marijuana inside his firewood!
Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs,

but he's hidin' it there."
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house.

They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they
bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana.

They sneer at Virgil and leave.

Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.

"Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd....did the Sheriff come?"


"Did they chop your firewood?"


"Happy Birthday, buddy!"
A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office.

"Is it true," she wanted to know, "That the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life"?

"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.

There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition, because this prescription is marked 'No Refills.'"
During a revival meeting, the charismatic evangelist asked people who had a need to come up on stage. He went to the first guy and said, "What is your need, brother"?

"My hearing," he said.

The evangelist spit on his finger, put it in the man's ear, invoked the Lord and asked, "How's your hearing"?

"I don't know. It's not until next Tuesday."
For the Yankee in all of you...

> Sex with a Cowboy

> Prior to her trip to Texas, Buffy (a New Yorker), confided to her

> co-workers she had three goals for her trip to the Lone Star State;


> 1. She wanted to taste some real Texas Bar-B-Que.

> 2. She wanted to take in a bona fide rodeo. ... And ...

> 3. She wanted to have sex with a real cowboy.

> Upon her return, the girls were curious as to how she fared.

> "Let me tell you, they have a tree down there called a Mesquite and

> when they slow cook that brisket over that Mesquite, it's ooooh so

> good. The taste is unbelievable!

> "And I went to a real rodeo. Talk about athletes ... those guys wrestle full grown bulls! They ride horses at a full

> gallop,then jump off the horses and grab the bull by the horns and throw them

> to the ground! It is just incredible!"

> They then asked, "Well tell us, did you have sex with a real cowboy?"

> "Are you kidding?

> When I saw the outline of the condom they carry in the back pocket of their jeans, I changed my mind!"
Lost blond

The map her friend had drawn indicated that the client,
a old country vet she was to see, lived in the second farm past Yin Road.
Try as she might, the blond could not find a Yin
Road anywhere!
Exasperated, she finally stopped to ask for directions.

She stopped and asked at the next farm.

"I ain't never heard of no Yin Road." said the farmer. "But ya might try askin' old man McGillicuddy. He's lived 'round here for better 'n 70 years."

"Thanks," replied the blond. "Where can I find him"?

"He lives on the second farm past the Y in the road."
Me thinks this gal would get herself lost going around in a circle! :shock: :roll: :P
wo highway patrolmen stop a driver for speeding on the state highway in Waxahachie, Texas. As they are writing up the ticket, one trooper turns to the other and asks, "How do you spell Waxahachie"?

The other one replies, "I don't know."

"What are we going to do"? the first one asks. "If we spell it wrong, the judge will dismiss the charge."

"Well," says his partner, "why don't we just let him go and stop him again when he gets to Waco"?
A husband and wife came for counseling after 15 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15 years they had been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of un-met needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient
length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately.

The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do

The husband thought for a moment and replied,.. "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."
t was a terrible night, blowing cold and snow in a most frightful manner. The streets were deserted and the local baker was just about to close up shop when a little, old
man slipped through the door. He carried an umbrella, blown inside out and was bundled in two sweaters and a thick coat. But even so, he still looked wet, freezing and

As he unwound his scarf, he said to the baker, "May I have two poppy seed bagels to go, please"?

The baker said in astonishment, "Two bagels? Nothing more"?

"That's right," answered the little man. "One for me and one for Sherry."

"And who is Sherry, your wife"? asked the baker.

"What did you think," snapped the little man, "that my mother would send me out on a night like this"?
here are always two ways to look at everything, I guess.

A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant and the husband keeps staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sits alone at a nearby table.

The wife asks, "Do you know her"?

"Yes," sighs the husband. "She's my ex-girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up seven years ago and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" says the wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long"?
A little boy opened the big and old family Bible.

With fascination, he looked at the old pages as he turned them. Then something fell out of the Bible.

He picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages.

"Mama, look what I found," the boy called out.

"What have you got there, dear"? his mother asked.

With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "It's Adam's suit!"
SmokingMeatForums.com is reader supported and as an Amazon Associate, we may earn commissions from qualifying purchases.