Life Gets in the Way, Times Whatever

[801driver]

Like you, unfortunate divorce late in life can leave a broken heart hard to mend. Dated around, found some nice ladies, but none that really fit. Had my list of 20 items, no small kids at home, no drugs, communicates well, not up to their ears in debt, etc. to start out with, then there has to be the "magic" feel to go with that.

Pretty much gave up looking. One night ran across a lady online who lived relatively close who was upset with the guys she had been trying to date. She just started jabbering about her life and what she was looking for and how she was fed up with what she was finding as candidates. She covered more than 10 items important to me without me asking any questions. More we talked over a couple weeks, the better it fit. Now all I needed to do was ck out how real she was by meeting in person and seeing if there was any "magic" feel. I would have never picked out this lady to even say hello to in a crowd.

She made it easy. Only potential problem I could find is that I am an older guy who mostly connected with ladies 10 or so years younger. This lady is way more younger than that but while staying here with me a while seems to enjoy my semi secluded life in the country close to the lake and I have smiled and laughed more than I have the past 5 or so years. Looks like it is working so far.

Kinda goes to show that out looking you might not find what you are looking for, but sometimes it just falls in your lap when you are least expecting it. Keep an open mind.

Good Luck to you sir. Broken hearts heal after a while if you do not dwell on it. Enjoy all the life you can.

 

[Torch&Tone]

I tried finding a non-religious men's group nearby for support

Men's Sheds started overseas but has expanded considerably because, well, unmet need. Just one example that I wish more people knew about.

There are also lots of social groups loosely organized around hobbies (or volunteering), that don't care about how good you are at it, so long as you can be social. You do have to spend some time with them to figure out if it's a good group *for you*, though. SMF is nice and all, but regular face-to-face (or shoulder-to-shoulder) interaction is essential. Walking/light running, park clean-ups, movies, meal preps... there are lots of options.

I'd put the "getting over being a gloomy Gus" part in a separate category, though. A major event like that, you need someone to talk to; if that person is a professional, you'll probably see faster/better results - kinda like weight-lifting, recovering from surgery, etc. Entirely optional, but at least you don't have to worry about "dumping on" them, because that's their job. Lots of varieties exist.

 

[chef k-dude]

Thanks, Ken.
I think it'll be a while before I start looking again, if ever.
There was one woman who seemed very interested in me and my situation. But I found out later that she was being evicted from her apartment, and was looking for a soft landing. Now that she's found another one, she's cooled toward me considerably.

I would never advise going fast in your circumstance. I totally understand, I was just sharing an experience and feedback from that experience. When I was going through mine, hearing that so many other people were or had gone through the same thing (or similar), it really helped me. I felt alone at first, like I was the only guy whose wife lost her mind.

Definitely gotta watch the vultures, good catch on that one. Like I said, unless a woman left her husband due to something serious, like abuse, I came to the conclusion the good ones were still married otherwise. The handful of women I dated with the exception of 2 seemed to be trying to relive that youth they lost raising a family and taking care of their husband. As with many marriages, the "fire" dies a little, thats to be expected in my opinion from both partners. Marriage is a contract, its more than just keeping that youthful playful early days...we grow up and see things differently and become more "partners" as we get old (most people, not all).

The typical woman I met and went on dates with were more interested in sex than anything. That's not me. Never has been. Has to be a real connection there for me, not just "hooking up".

Like you, unfortunate divorce late in life can leave a broken heart hard to mend. Dated around, found some nice ladies, but none that really fit. Had my list of 20 items, no small kids at home, no drugs, communicates well, not up to their ears in debt, etc. to start out with, then there has to be the "magic" feel to go with that.

Pretty much gave up looking. One night ran across a lady online who lived relatively close who was upset with the guys she had been trying to date. She just started jabbering about her life and what she was looking for and how she was fed up with what she was finding as candidates. She covered more than 10 items important to me without me asking any questions. More we talked over a couple weeks, the better it fit. Now all I needed to do was ck out how real she was by meeting in person and seeing if there was any "magic" feel. I would have never picked out this lady to even say hello to in a crowd.

She made it easy. Only potential problem I could find is that I am an older guy who mostly connected with ladies 10 or so years younger. This lady is way more younger than that but while staying here with me a while seems to enjoy my semi secluded life in the country close to the lake and I have smiled and laughed more than I have the past 5 or so years. Looks like it is working so far.

Kinda goes to show that out looking you might not find what you are looking for, but sometimes it just falls in your lap when you are least expecting it. Keep an open mind.

Good Luck to you sir. Broken hearts heal after a while if you do not dwell on it. Enjoy all the life you can.

I had a 6 month fling with a 20 year old British girl (I was 30) not long after moving out of the house in to a townhouse a mile away from the marital residence to stay close to the kids. My neighbor buddy dropped her on my doorstep because she was driving him nuts. She was only looking for a place to be and hang besides where she was an au pair. After I tried to kick her out (the day I came home with a brand new mid-life crisis-mobile!) she virtually begged to stay but I told her she had to be more "serious" about "us". That developed in to love oddly enough. Tore me up when I had to take her to the airport (limited visa), but it was really best we split, it was never going to work right. She was a hot mess (in a fun and crazy way) and I was still mourning the loss of my wife, kids and dog...a mess of my own. Good time in the end otherwise! I even took her and her parents (when they jumped the pond to come visit) on a Blue Ridge Mountains road trip for a real slice of Americana they would never forget.

My wife now is the opposite, shes 9 1/2 years older than me. Sure, she met me at a good time, we both were working good jobs (although I paid child support) and I was into going out to eat (company credit card made that easy), concerts, road trips. Her ex is a real piece of fecal matter so she had never had such a life, especially with someone who wasn't an ass. But I'm glad we are offset in age like this. Men tend to die 10 years younger anyway! I'm becoming more and more of a loner and while she would love some more traveling, etc., shes also content to stay home. We have a nice property and she spends so much time in her sewing room and out in her gardens. I think its going to continue to work! She still calls me the love of her life...so...

 

[hondabbq]

Hey dude,
I was blindsided in 2020 after 21 years of marriage. Didnt see it coming. Tried couple counselling, but she wasnt into it and we stopped after 3 sessions. In that last session she said she was done and the counselor made a statement that is the only reason that I am here today. she said to my ex that " Damian isnt the issue here. You have some issues your going to have to deal with sooner or later or this will keep travelling with you wherever you go". Those words saved me. I was a good husband, was I perfect? No one is all the time.
We got divorced, thankfully she left with 14 boxes and her Hyundai filled with belongings and I was left with the rest.
I sort of knew something was up about a year prior and started squirreling money away in my friends safe. If I was wrong we had a small nest egg.
Sold the family home and she got her cut. I agreed to her getting a lump sum so anything over that was mine. She miscalculated the market at the time so I made a few extra bucks that way too.
I bought her out of my pension so she cant claim any of it when I get to retire. I said that im young enough to earn that money back instead of losing a chunk every month later on.
I work full time as a chef and have 2 side gigs that she didnt want anything from ( not that they were making much money anyway).

4 years down the road now and I have never been happier. I thought I was happy in my marriage but you dont know what you werent missing. Have a wonderful woman beside me now, Bought a brand new house, a Rolex to celebrate and last month a Porsche.

My point to all this...............I am living proof that there is another side coming out of this for you.
Like you I will have mental scars for my remainder of days in this life, but I can smell the roses now and its much brighter.

On a side note, I had a few opportunities during my marriage that I was offered but didnt pursue. Im an old fat dude, (49 at the time), dating was fantastic. The old guy with low self esteem was dating 4 women at the same time. ME!!!!! I couldnt believe it. Caliber women to boot- teacher, director at a university, chemist, bank manager.
When your ready you will know. I will say that I went on a few dates too early and knew it was right yet and I wasnt ready, but when I was it was gang busters.

I wish you nothing but the best and hope you find your solace. Take care dude.

 

[mneeley490]

It's just an odd feeling. Not quite sure what to do with myself. I'm 63, and this is the first time in my life I've ever lived alone. Went straight from my parents' place at 18, and into an apartment and relationship with her. Wish I could throw myself into smoking and curing, but because of where I'm living, that's limited right now.

 

[chef k-dude]

Hey Hondabbq, the OP of this thread is mneeley490/Mike, but I tend to write prolifically! Hopefully he takes our stories as comradery and can feel not so alone out there. This insanity is widespread and in my opinion the insanity is on the female side of the story...I've heard enough stories to believe this and my own experience. My ex met a good man not long after we separated, he and I famously got in to long conversations when I would pick the kids up for my weekends. I was at least happy that there was a decent father figure in the house.

There was a point when she also dumped HIM! Yep, and of all things had a lesbian move in with her. That became a tumultuous time, the woman turned out to be more nuts than my ex. I found out from my kids later that they were allowed drugs and sex in the house during this time, and they didn't tell me because they KNEW I could get total custody. What teenager is going to ruin a great party? Fast forward to after that phase and the "good guy" was back in the house...her actual second husband. Things settled down, the kids were older, etc.

She had no real reason to want me out other than selfishness, then she went on to prove her mental instability which was a sour relief that it wasn't me. Something has been happening to women of our generation to screw them up and think a marriage is supposed to me more than the average marriage out there...or something...

Similar to you, if it hadn't been for me saving all my overtime (I also worked my ass off so she could be a stay at home mother) against her wishes (it drove her nuts, she was terrible with money), we/she wouldn't have had a dime to split for some cash to start a new life. She never recovered financially and apparently the "good guy" is also not so good with money so they are supposedly in continuous deep debt. My wife and I on the other hand have credit scores over 800!

Mike,

That's exactly what it feels like. Kind of lost. I moved out of my parents house at age 18 to move in with her who had been on her own for maybe 9 months. She was lonely in an apartment by herself so I decided to move in with her to protect against another guy making the move on her. When I moved out of the marital residence, it was the first time I had experienced bieng totally alone. I slowly began to like it, and even when my current wife was pushing to move in with me, I was reluctant and made it clear no woman was ever going to control me again. I had golf buddies and an addiction to golf at the time...she began her life living with me as a golf widow, having to wait until I got home. I had a stiff-arm out and was serious about it, but she dealt with that, saying bieng with me was worth it. I also smoked cigarettes at the time (my ex did too) and was a drinker, something she was not accustomed to. But I'm not a nasty drinker, I'm a happy drinker, so, easy to live with...according to her.

 

[mneeley490]

Didn't take long, but she called me tonight as I was about to dish myself up some homemade chili. Asked if I had a multi-meter. "Why?", I asked. Her cousin and cousin's husband was at her place trying to fix an overhead can light in her kitchen. I used to be a lighting electrician, myself, so I thought she'd be smart enough to call me first.
I get there with my tools (30-minute drive), he's got the can hanging out of the ceiling over the sink. It's the only kitchen light that isn't on. I walk over to the sink, push the paper towel dispenser aside, and flip the switch that was behind it. Lo and behold, the light comes on.

 

[Brokenhandle]

I shouldn't laugh... but I bet they sure felt dumb! But good on you for going. At times I've done dumb things like that and it's like OMG, I'm so dumb.

Ryan

 

[mneeley490]

Yeah, often the simplest explanation is the correct one. Aside from that. Here is an update.

I'm settling in to my bachelor pad. Top 4th fl. apt with a slight view of Puget Sound. Trees all around me; no neighbors to peek inside. Feels like I'm in a treehouse.

Bought and assembled a small hardwood table.

And had to christen it with something suitable. A rack of babybacks from the oven. Did a low-n-slow with no wrap. Used some liquid smoke with the rub, but all it did was make the apt smell like smoke. Not much transferred to the meat, but still enjoyable.

Still miss the smoke ring.

 

[Brokenhandle]

Great view! The rest will come together... it takes time.

Ryan

 

[JLinza]

Good lookin plate from here, glad to see you're moving forward.

 

[DRKsmoking]

First off Mike , sorry to hear . That is a long time together. I like the others am on my second. And I will say the first was my fault. Working too much and hardly ever home because of work mostly.

But now I have been with #2 for Many Many Many years ha ha , sorry. We are in love,.

It sucks and is a heart break for sure, and I am sure once you get through this and you will. Life will start to brighten up.

As for your smoking problem, do what you can and keep looking for that place where it will all open up, house , yard, love etc.

Your view is great and the rib dinner even better.

Chin up and keep going forward.

David

 

[BigW.]

Great view. Excellent job on table assembly. Level, so beer does not slide off and sturdy enough for a plate of ribs.