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larry maddock

Master of the Pit
Original poster
OTBS Member
Sep 27, 2005
While making rounds, a doctor points out an X-ray to a group of medical students.

"As you can see," she says, "the patient limps because his left fibula and tibia are radically arched.

Michael, what would you do in a case like this"?

"Well," ponders the student, "I suppose I'd limp too."
When I went to get my driver's license renewed, our local Motor Vehicle Bureau was packed.

The line inched along for almost an hour until the man ahead of me finally got his license.

He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, "I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture."

The clerk looked at his picture closely, and reassured him, "It's okay. That's how you're going to look when the cops pull you over anyway."
- Four-step Italian Pasta Diet. Guaranteed to really work!

Step 1: You walka pasta da bakery.

Step 2: You walka pasta da candy store.

Step 3: You walka pasta da ice cream shop.

Step 4: You walka pasta da refrigerator.

- Confused by all the conflicting news from nutrition research studies? Here is the final word:

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat sausages and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

What can we conclude? Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
Two New Dogs

A girl was visiting her friend who had acquired two new dogs. She asked her what their names were.

The friend responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.

Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that"?

"Hellooooo," she answered. "They're watch dogs!"
The new Supermarket near our house has an automatic
>water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes
>on, you hear the sound of a thunderstorm and the smell of fresh rain.
>When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows
>mooing and witness the scent of fresh butter fat.
>When you approach the egg case, you hear hens
>cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of eggs frying.
>So far I have been too afraid to go down the
>toilet paper aisle....
A Sunday school teacher said to her children, " We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a higher power. Can anybody tell me what it is"?

One child blurted out, "Aces!"
From the Book of Bull

Once upon a time, God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael,The Archangel, found him resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God. "Where have you been?"

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction, and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For
example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while Southern Europe is going to be poor. Over there I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things,"

God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land mass and said, "What's that one?"

"Ah," said God "That's Washington State, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful streams, hills, and forests. The people from Washington State are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent and humorous, and they are going to be found traveling the world. They
will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats, and carriers of peace."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there would be balance."

God smiled, "There is another Washington... Wait until you see the Idiots I put there."
My boss was complaining in a staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect.

Later that morning he went out and got a small sign that read, "I'm the Boss".

He then taped it to his office door.

Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said.

"Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"
Seems an elderly Amish lady was returning home from a bake sale when a police officer pulled her over. The officer said "Morning mam, I noticed that your rear wheel was wobbling just a might..." when the lady replied "Oh, pah will take care of that when I get home." and the officer also noticed no reflector on the back. Pointing that out, the lady replied "Oh, pah will take care of that too when I get home. Just as the officer was leaving he saw a rope going from the seat up to the horse's "private parts." He exclaimed about how that was cruel to animals and it should be removed, which of course the lady replied "Pah will take care of that too officer" and off she went. When getting home Pah asked how the sale went and the old lady told him about being pulled over. She said "the officer said the rear wheel was a might lose, and we need a new reflector. But for some reason he got real excited about wanting the emergency brake removed."
The Lone Ranger and Tonto are camping in the desert.
They set up their tent and then go to sleep.

Some hours later, The Lone Ranger wakes his faithful

"Tonto, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Tonto replies, "Me see millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?" asks The Lone Ranger.

Tonto ponders for a minute.
"Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies
and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.
Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three.
Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all powerful, thus we are small and
Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

What it tell you, Kemo Sabi?"

The Lone Ranger is silent for a moment, then speaks.

"Tonto, you Dummy, someone has stolen our tent."
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall.
They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but
especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move
apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "What is this, Father?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded,
"Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life,
I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with
amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up
to the moving walls and pressed a button. The
walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a
small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father
watched the small circular numbers above the walls
light up sequentially. They continued to watch
until it reached the last number and then the numbers
began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous,
voluptuous 24 year old blonde woman stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman,
said quietly to his son ...
"Go get your mother."
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