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joke # 2

larry maddock

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yo dudes and dudettes,

A fire started on a patch of prairie grasses near a farm. The county fire department was called, but the fire was more than they could handle. Someone suggested that the nearby volunteer bunch be called. Despite some doubt that the volunteer outfit could really help, the call was made.

The volunteers arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck that rumbled straight into the middle of the flames. The firemen jumped off the truck and frantically started spraying water in all directions. Soon they had snuffed out the center of the fire, breaking the blaze into two easily controlled parts.

The farmer was so impressed and so grateful that his farm had been spared, that he presented the volunteers with a check for $1,000 on the spot. A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the department planned to do with the funds.

"That ought to be obvious, " he responded, wiping ashes off his coat. "The first thing we're gonna do is get the brakes fixed on our fire truck!"
 

Dutch

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:mrgreen:
 

larry maddock

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Joined Sep 27, 2005
larry maddock";p="2015 said:
yo dudes and dudettes,
#2
A fire started on a patch of prairie grasses near a farm. The county fire department was called, but the fire was more than they could handle. Someone suggested that the nearby volunteer bunch be called. Despite some doubt that the volunteer outfit could really help, the call was made.

The volunteers arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck that rumbled straight into the middle of the flames. The firemen jumped off the truck and frantically started spraying water in all directions. Soon they had snuffed out the center of the fire, breaking the blaze into two easily controlled parts.

The farmer was so impressed and so grateful that his farm had been spared, that he presented the volunteers with a check for $1,000 on the spot. A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the department planned to do with the funds.

"That ought to be obvious, " he responded, wiping ashes off his coat. "The first thing we're gonna do is get the brakes fixed on our fire truck!"[/quote
**** **** ****** ***** ****** *** ** * ** * *** * ** **
#3 On a tour of Alaska, the Pope went to the mountains for some sight seeing. Suddenly there was a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods. An environmentalist wearing a "Save the Whales" T-shirt was struggling frantically, trying to free himself from the jaws of a 10 foot grizzly.

As the Pope watched horrified, a group of loggers came racing up. One quickly fired a 44 magnum into the bear's chest. The other two reached up and pulled the bleeding semiconscious Democrat from the bear. Then they threw the bear on the bed of their pickup truck and placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.

The Pope said to the loggers, "Bless you for your brave actions! I heard there was a bitter hatred between loggers and environmental activists, but now I've seen with my own eyes that love overcomes differences."

As the Pope drove off, one of the loggers said, "That was the Pope. He has access to all God's wisdom."

Another logger said, "He may have access to all God's wisdom but he sure doesn't know anything about bear hunting.... By the way, is the bait holding up OK or do we need to go back to town and grab another one?"
 

larry maddock

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Joined Sep 27, 2005
On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The
turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is
struck by lightning. One woman, in particular, loses it. Screaming, she
stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die," she wails.
Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on
earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me
feel like a WOMAN?"

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril.
They all stare, eyes riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the
plane. Then a cowboy from Wyoming stands up in the rear of the plane. He
is handsome: well built, with dark brown hair and blue eyes. He starts
to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt, one button at a
time. No one moves. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his
chest. She gasps...He whispers . . . "Iron this. Then get me a beer."



George CARLIN said it best about Martha Stewart... "Boy, I feel a lot safer now that she's behind bars. O.J. Simpson and Kobe Bryant are still walking around; Osama Bin Laden too. But they take the one woman in America willing to cook, clean, and work in the yard, and haul her ass off to jail???"
 

larry maddock

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Joined Sep 27, 2005
According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington
recently was faced with a unique problem.

A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and
would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put
on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving
dozens of little lip prints. Every night the maintenance man would
remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.
She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the
maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were
causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the
mirrors every night.

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she
asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was
required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the
toilets, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been
no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers, and then there are educators.
 

larry maddock

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Retirees Looking for the Lost in Wal-MartTwo old guys arepushing
their
>> carts around Wal-Mart when they collide.
>> The first old guy says to the second guy, "Sorry about that. I'm
>> looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where
>> I was
>> going."
>>
>> The second old guy says,
>> "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too.
>> I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
>>
>> The first old guy says,
>> "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?
>>
>> The second old guy says,
>> "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair, blue eyes, long
>> legs,
>> big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts.
>> What does your wife look like?"
>>
>> The first old guy says,
>> "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."
>>
 

larry maddock

Master of the Pit
OTBS Member
1,070
10
Joined Sep 27, 2005
larry maddock";p="4360 said:
Retirees Looking for the Lost in Wal-MartTwo old guys arepushing
their
>> carts around Wal-Mart when they collide.
>> The first old guy says to the second guy, "Sorry about that. I'm
>> looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where
>> I was
>> going."
>>
>> The second old guy says,
>> "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too.
>> I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
>>
>> The first old guy says,
>> "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?
>>
>> The second old guy says,
>> "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair, blue eyes, long
>> legs,
>> big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts.
>> What does your wife look like?"
>>
>> The first old guy says,
>> "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours.

===============================
A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience.

Seeing God, she asked, "Is my time up"?

God said, "No, you have another 43 years, two months and eight days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance"?

God replied, "I didn't recognize you."
 

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