Don't Eat the Chili

Discussion in 'Jokes' started by txbbqman, Jan 8, 2010.

  1. txbbqman

    txbbqman Smoking Fanatic SMF Premier Member

    I went grocery shopping recently while not being altogether sure
    that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous
    evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my
    patented 'You're definitely going to **** yourself chili..'
    Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which
    comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next
    day both of your a$$ cheeks WILL fall off.

    Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two
    cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened.
    No "Watson's Movement 2'.

    Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract,
    I appeared to be unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to
    by my next door neighbors as thunder and lightning.

    Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not sure of just when,
    I bravely set off for the market; a local Wal-Mart grocery store that I
    often haunt in search of tasty tidbits.

    Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart
    and began pushing it about dropping items in
    for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the

    pain hit me. Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking
    about. I'm referring to that 'Uh oh, gotta go' pain that always seems to
    hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different !

    The habaneras in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt.
    In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small
    intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I
    could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring
    sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot.

    There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly enveloped
    in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was
    afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me.
    Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my
    body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an elderly
    woman turned into it.

    I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her reaction
    would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate, as she
    walked into it unsuspecting. Have you ever been torn
    in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure
    some of you at least will be able to relate.

    I could've warned that poor woman but didn't. I simply watched as she
    walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so
    terrible that all she could do before gathering her senses and running,
    was to stand there blinking and waving her arms about her head as though

    trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible,
    but then made me laugh. Mistake.
    Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped
    down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst
    forth from my nether region.. Some were so loud and echoing that I was
    later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was
    robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.

    Suddenly things were no longer funny. IT was coming, and I raced off
    through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole
    way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal assplosion took

    Luck was on my side.

    Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable 'Oh my
    God', floating above the toilet seat because my ass is burning SO BAD,

    One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true
    meaning of 'Shock and Awe'. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly
    said, 'Sonofabitch!', then quickly left.
    Once finished I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart
    intending to carry on with my shopping when a store
    employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to
    take care of the problem.'

    That of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escap me. The

    employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to
    cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager.. I was unceremoniously
    escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.

    Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing to
    eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I
    went to shop at Albertson's. I can't say anymore about that because we are in
    court over the whole matter.

    The bastards claim they're going to have to repaint the store!

    Don't hold your gas, it will swirl around in your
    body until it creates those ****ty ideas in your brain
  2. THIS IS A "CLASSIC" !!! Think I'll print it out to read to my son tonight .....all young boys love to hear stories about farting and such...he should really enjoy it as much as I did !!!

    Keep "eatin",

  3. nwbhoss

    nwbhoss Smoking Fanatic

    I have been there and done that!!!!!! Got the tee shirt [​IMG]

    I was in Costco and it was venison polska kilbasa and sourkrought (sorry about my spelling [​IMG])
  4. gene111

    gene111 Smoking Fanatic

    That's some funny stuff!!! Probably because we've all been there!!!!!!!!!
  5. beer-b-q

    beer-b-q Smoking Guru OTBS Member

  6. the dude abides

    the dude abides Master of the Pit OTBS Member

    That's funny. But obviously a joke.

    You said you were at WalMart. Likely they would not have noticed your stench over thir own. Sorry, had to be said[​IMG]

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