Disorder in the Courts

Discussion in 'Jokes' started by blackhawk19, Oct 25, 2007.

  1. blackhawk19

    blackhawk19 Master of the Pit OTBS Member

    These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.


    ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
    WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
    ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
    WITNESS: My name is Susan!
    ____________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
    WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

    ____________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
    WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
    ____________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
    WITNESS: I forget.
    ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
    ___________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
    WITNESS: We both do.
    ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
    WITNESS: We do.
    ATTORNEY: You do?
    WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
    ____________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
    WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
    ____________________________________

    ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
    WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty.
    ___________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
    WITNESS: Are you s***t'in me?
    _________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
    WITNESS: Uh.... I was gett'in laid!
    ____________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
    WITNESS: None.
    ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
    WITNESS: Are you s***t'in me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
    ____________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
    WITNESS: By death.
    ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
    WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
    ____________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
    WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
    ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
    WITNESS: Guess.
    _____________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
    WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
    ______________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
    WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
    _________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
    WITNESS: Oral.
    _________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
    WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
    ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
    WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
    ____________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
    WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
    ______________________________________

    And the best for last:

    ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
    WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
    ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
    WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law
     
  2. beebeque

    beebeque Fire Starter

    I've seen those all several times before & I still laugh every time!

    Maybe I'm easily amused...

    ...or maybe I should just make wallpaper out of 'em and laugh all the time.

    I don't care who ya are... that right there is funny!
     
  3. walking dude

    walking dude Smoking Guru SMF Premier Member

    and lawyers wonder WHY people pick on em so much.........

    geez


    d8de
     
  4. bwsmith_2000

    bwsmith_2000 Master of the Pit OTBS Member

    Blackhawk,
    Good ones! I haven't seen those before and think they are hillarious.I especially liked the third one..... "I just lie there." Cracks me up.
     
  5. walking dude

    walking dude Smoking Guru SMF Premier Member

    yeah bw........reminds me of my first wife..............


    d8de
     
  6. [​IMG]


    Well, now WD, whose fault is that??


    [​IMG]
     
  7. blackhawk19

    blackhawk19 Master of the Pit OTBS Member

    Ouch!![​IMG] I seem to hear a song with lyrics that said "Shot Thru the Heart"
     
  8. walking dude

    walking dude Smoking Guru SMF Premier Member

    ouch again...........

    second wife tho had no complaints...........crap......have had the cops called once or twice with all the hollering..........

    tho i can't remember if it was mine or hers........


    d8de
     
  9. [​IMG]


    [​IMG]
     
  10. smokin for life

    smokin for life Smoking Fanatic OTBS Member

    Hey Dude don't you just hate it when yo get them leg cramps!!!

    [​IMG]
     

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