07 april/may/june

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larry maddock

Master of the Pit
Original poster
OTBS Member
Sep 27, 2005
[font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Like Mother, Like Daughter[/font]
[font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]A young lady comes home from a date, rather sad. Her mother asks, "What's the matter, honey"? [/font]
[font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]"Anthony proposed to me an hour ago."[/font]
[font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]"Then why are you so sad"? [/font]
[font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]"Because he's an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a Hell!"[/font]
[font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]"Marry him anyway, dear. Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is!"[/font]
thats funny like a guy i know says ive beeen married so long i don't look both wasys before entering traffic
[font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names with small American flags mounted on either side of it.[/font]
[font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]The seven-year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy and said quietly, "Good morning, Alex."[/font]
[font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]"Good morning, Pastor," he replied, still focused on the plaque. "Pastor, what is this"? he asked.[/font]
[font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]The pastor said, "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."[/font]
[font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque.[/font]
[font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear, asked, "Which service? The 8:30 or the 10:45"?[/font]
Great one Larry!!
The value of getting a second opinion.!!!

Dr. visit

When Joe went to the doctor about his headaches,
The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your
headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare
condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure
creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to
remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live
for.He had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time
in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.
As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different
person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and ! thought, "That's what I need... a
new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44

Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit, it fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the
mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"

Joe thought for a momen t and then said, "Sure."

The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2

Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years."

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably
around the shop, and the salesman asked, "How about some new

Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure."

The salesman said, "Let's see... size 36."

! Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you, I've worn a size 34 since I was 18
years old."

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would
press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one
hell of a headache."

New suit - $400
New shirt - $36
New underwear - $6
*Second Opinion - PRICELESS*
1. Open a new file in your computer.
2. Name it "Hillary Rodham Clinton"
3. Send it to the trash.
4. Empty the trash.
5. Your PC will ask you, "Do you really want to get rid of "Hillary Rodham Clinton?"
6. Firmly Click "Yes."
7. Feel better.

PS: Next week we'll do Nancy Pelosi.
:PDT_ Armataz_01_30:
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello.
He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.

So he says, "Do you know me?"
To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says,
"My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool
table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."

Wisdom of Larry, the Cable Guy

>1. A day without sunshine is like night.
>2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
>3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
>4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
>5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
>6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
>7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
>8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the
cheese in
>the trap.
>9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
>10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
>11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
>12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
>13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis?
>Raise my hand.
>14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
>15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
>16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
>17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
>18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
>19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?
>20. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
>21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, "What the
>22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
>23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear
>until you hear them speak.
>24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of
>What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow
[font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Out of Gas[/font]
[font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Sister Mary, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, a gas station was just a block away.[/font]
[font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been lent out, but she could wait until it was returned.[/font]
[font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Since the nun was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car. She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient[/font]
[font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Always resourceful, she carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gas and carried the full bedpan back to her car.[/font]
[font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two men watched from across the street. One of the them turned to the other and said, "If it starts, I'm turning Catholic."
Do It Yourself

The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution: You don't want to try these techniques at home.

"Why not"? asked somebody from the audience.

"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day, I told her, 'Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once'"?

"Did it save time"? the guy in the audience asked.

"Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now, I do it in seven."
[font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Diet Foods[/font]
[font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. [/font]
[font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.

Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous and none of us realize the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.

But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it"?

A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake."
Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Pearland, Texas. After last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes with the officer quietly observing.

[font=Times New Roman, Times]
After what seemed an eternity in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine, dry summer night), flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left.

[font=Times New Roman, Times]
At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road. The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyzer test.

[font=Times New Roman, Times]
To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken." "I doubt it," said the truly proud Cowboy. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?" His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."
[font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Too Long to Wait[/font]
[font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]A customer sent an order to a distributor for a large amount of goods totaling a great deal of money.[/font]
[font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]The distributor noticed that the previous bill hadn't been paid, so the collections manager left a voicemail for them saying, "We can't ship your new order until you pay for the last one." [/font]
[font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]The next day, the collections manager received a collect phone call, "Please cancel the order. We can't wait that long."
A life long avowed atheist was hiking through the woods and heard a noise in the bushes. Curious, the atheist quietly moves through the bushes and startles a huge grizzly bear eating some berries. The atheist screams, turns and runs. After some yards, he turns and is horrified to see the bear chasing him. The atheist runs even faster but a minute later he sees the bear is getting closer. Running for dear life, the atheist is beginning to tire and feels the bear's hot breath on his neck. Finally the atheist trips over a tree root, stumbles and falls and in a heartbeat the bear is on top of him. As the huge bear raises his mighty paw to rip out the mans throat, the atheist screams "Oh, God dont let him kill me". Instantly the bear freezes in motion, the sounds of the forest are silent and the atheist is dumbfounded. Then he hears the voice of God, "How dare you! You who have denied my existence your entire life, preached your godless ways to others. How dare you now beg me to save your life! What do you have to say for yourself?" The atheist catches his breath and responds, "God, you are absolutely right. It would be terribly hypocritical of me to ask for your help now after all I have done and said in my life". God is surprised and says, "Well, at least at the end you will die an honest man". The atheist thinking quickly, says "Wait. Although I dont deserve your salvation, perhaps you could make the bear a Christian?" God thinks about this then agrees "So be it". Immediately the atheist again hears the sounds of forest around him and looking up he sees the bear come alive again. However, instead of slashing the atheist, the bear brings his razor claws together, drops to his knees and says "Oh Lord, we thank you for these gifts we are about to receive....."
Two hillbillies walk into a Dairy Queen. While having a couple of Blizzards, they talk privately about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, eating a Coney Dog, begins to cough. After awhile, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya swallar?" The woman shakes her head no, "Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue, eyes widen and shakes her head no. The hillbilly strolls over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a long lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. She begins to breath again. The hillbilly ambles smugly back to his table. His buddy says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver', but I ain't never seed nobody do it."
After their 11th child, a Kentucky couple decided that was enough, as
they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his
physician and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any
more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy
that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. "A less costly
alternative," said the doctor, "is to go home, get a cherry bomb,
light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and
count to 10."

The hillbilly said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest tool in
the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can
next to my ear is going to help me."

"Trust me," said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He
held the can up to his ear and began to count!






(you'll love this...)

At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and
continued counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Tennessee, Alabama, Louisiana, Arkansas,
Georgia, Mississippi, Missouri, Florida, West Virginia and
Washington, DC
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