I got kicked out of wal-mart....

Discussion in 'Jokes' started by pitrow, Jun 13, 2008.

  1. pitrow

    pitrow Smoking Fanatic

    I went grocery shopping recently while not being altogether sure that
    said course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I
    had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'Killer
    Chili'. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which
    comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day
    both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off.

    Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two
    cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened.
    No 'Watson's Movement 2'. Despite habanera peppers swimming their way
    through my intestinal tract, I appeared to be unable to create the
    usual morning symphony referred to by my next door neighbors as
    thunder and lightning.

    Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not sure of when, I
    bravely set off for the market; a local Wal-Mart grocery store that I
    often haunt in search of tasty tidbits.

    Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart
    and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't
    until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that
    the pain hit me. Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm
    talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh oh, gotta go' pain that
    always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was
    different.

    The habaneras in the chili from the night before were staging a
    revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the
    small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and
    before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which
    would bring sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning
    shot.

    There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly
    enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been
    recorded. I was afraid to move for f ear that more of this vile odor
    might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave
    the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out
    of it, just as an elderly woman turned into it.

    I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her
    reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to
    dissipate, as she walked into it unsuspecting. Have you ever been
    torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and
    I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate.

    I could've warned that poor woman but didn't. I simply watched as she
    walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor
    so terrible that all she could do before gathering her senses and
    running, was to stand there blinking and waving her arms about her
    head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made
    me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. Big Mistake.

    Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped
    down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive
    issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and
    echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked,
    fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.

    Suddenly things were no longer funny. IT was coming, and I raced off
    through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the
    whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal assplosion
    took place.

    Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john,
    began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat
    because my butt is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in
    while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and
    Awe'. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, ' Oh my Lord',
    then quickly left.

    Once finished I left t he restroom, reacquired my partially filled
    cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee
    approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a
    few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the
    store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute
    or two which ought to take care of the problem.'

    That of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me.
    The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to
    cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner
    shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the
    manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked
    none too kindly not to return.

    Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing
    to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day
    I went to shop at Food City. I can't say anymore about that because
    w e are in court over the whole matter. They claim they're going to
    have to repaint the store...
     
  2. I just laughed harder than I have in years.Thank you for sharing this story.I had a similar mishap at my local Target a few years ago.I never was found out,however.[​IMG]
     
  3. dingle

    dingle Smoking Fanatic OTBS Member

    Very funny.....but true???
     
  4. jack2u2

    jack2u2 Smoke Blower

    I finally picked myself up off the floor - true or not, that was some funny stuff!
     
  5. /agree

    Too funny... not that I would ever do anything like that though *cough*
     
  6. dmack

    dmack Smoke Blower

    I haven't laughed that hard in a long time. Thanks for sharing.

    dmack
     
  7. bbq addict

    bbq addict Smoke Blower

    Oh My God!!! lmao **tears**
     
  8. cinnamonkc

    cinnamonkc Smoking Fanatic OTBS Member

    That was so funny I am crying!!! [​IMG]
     
  9. dono

    dono Meat Mopper OTBS Member

    BAHAHAHA , you just brought back a memory of my childhood. I was out shopping with my dad, I was maybe 8 years old at the time. and as we were walking down this isle, there was a guy on a ladder changing a neon. as luck would have it, my dear old dad let one of his world renowned gas pockets loose right as we passed under this ladder. lol

    all I remember is this guy up there just cussing his fool head off in french hehehehehe thanks for bringing back a memory of my dear old dad[​IMG]
     
  10. supervman

    supervman Smoking Fanatic

    This is the one I heard.
    It was told as a letter to a retired man who found himself tagging along with his wife on Walmart trips - much to his disliking.

    15 Things to do at Wal-Mart while your spouse/partner is taking their
    sweet time:

    1. Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when
    they aren't looking.

    2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute
    intervals.

    3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.

    4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, 'Code
    3'
    in housewares..... and see what happens.

    5. Go the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.

    6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

    7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers
    you'll invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding
    department.

    8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask 'Why
    can't you people just leave me alone?'

    9. Look right into the security camera; use it as a mirror, and pick
    your nose.

    10. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he
    knows where the anti-depressants are.

    11. Dart around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission
    Impossible" theme.

    12. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look" using
    different
    size funnels.

    13. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say "PICK
    ME!
    PICK ME!"


    14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal
    position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"

    (And last but not least!)

    15. Go into a fitting room and shut the door and wait a while; and,
    then, yell, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"
     
  11. andy seaver

    andy seaver Newbie

    i know this is an old post but I laughed so hard I could barely finish reading it. there is nothing better than "crop-dusting" in wally world.
    [​IMG][​IMG]
     
  12. ncdodave

    ncdodave Smoking Fanatic

    It took me almost 15 minutes to read this thread starter and i kept falling out of my chair. That is hugely hilarious! ROFLAMO!!! Heres another wal mart story to continue.
    Yesterday I was at Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet Soapy the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line when woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

    What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

    I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry.

    The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

    Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no; I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's *** and a car hit us both.

    I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. Wal-Mart won't let me shop there anymore
     
  13. krusher

    krusher Smoking Fanatic OTBS Member

    thats too funny,,
     
  14. brandsbay

    brandsbay Meat Mopper SMF Premier Member

    Thanks guys ,you made my day,very very funny.
     
  15. smoke_chef

    smoke_chef Smoking Fanatic SMF Premier Member

    I don't know if those WMT posts were as funny as I think they were or if it's because I've been up since 2 a.m..... Probably both.
     
  16. ohiojason

    ohiojason Newbie

    I am still a legend at work as a result of a laser tag incident about 10 years ago after work.

    This place was the size of a football field , I was at about the 50 yard line when my rear end let loose a battle field stink bomb that was the worst smell that has ever come out of my body. All I heard was "was that you?" and my co-workers ran away. I was so proud, I kept the entire right flank clear for the entire game. I just stayed there, strutting around, wallering in my own stench.

    I still remember the look on a 10 year olds face as he ran up and saw me in the open. He stopped, smiled a cocky little 10yo smile because he knew he had an adult dead in the open, he took aim and paused... the smile melted off his face. He was frozen and couldn't pull the trigger. After probably 5 second over the blaring music I heard him scream "Oh my god" as he turned to run the other way.
     
  17. ROTFLMAO Is that when you wonder to yourself - "I don't remember eating that?"

    It's hard to read through the tears - geeze.[​IMG]
     
  18. kingkoch42

    kingkoch42 Smoke Blower

    gone
     
    Last edited: Dec 8, 2011
  19. tyotrain

    tyotrain Master of the Pit

    [​IMG]
     
  20. tom37

    tom37 Master of the Pit OTBS Member SMF Premier Member

    Dear God!!!!!   2008 to 2011  OMG lmao.......

    Since everyone is offering. 

    My best friend used to work at venture, 

    while stocking the high shelves from a ladder, an elderly woman approches and prepares to gently tug on good old Rob's pant leg to get his attention. 

    The Fog FLEW, and he said it was OMG loud too. 

    He said the poor woman didnt know what to do and after 10 or 15 seconds she decided to leave the area. 

    Good old Rob leaves that isle to stock on the next, trying not to laugh when the unsuspecting shoppers would take a stroll down the infected isle. 

    Now for myself, while at the dollar general store at x mas, I had a tiny pocket of intestinal leak out. 

    OMG I was only dating my current wife at the time. 

    Guys, it was a bad bad deal. She didn't even ask, she straight up said OMG I can't believe you did that in here. 

    What ever happened to innocent until proven guilty!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
     

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