How to Deal With Your Bank

Discussion in 'Jokes' started by blackhawk19, Aug 9, 2007.

  1. blackhawk19

    blackhawk19 Master of the Pit OTBS Member

    Dear Sir:

    I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

    My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally
    answer your telephone calls and letters, --- when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity, which your bank has become. From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.

    My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be
    automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and
    confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate. Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.

    Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be
    countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her
    financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

    Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons
    as follows:


    #1. To make an appointment to see me
    #2. To query a missing payment.
    # 3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
    # 4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
    # 5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to
    # 6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home
    #7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that

    Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.
    # 8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
    # 9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be
    put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.
    # 10. This is a second reminder to press* for English.

    While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will
    play for the duration of the call. Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?

    Your Humble Client,
  2. hillbillysmoker

    hillbillysmoker Master of the Pit OTBS Member

    Absolutely perfect............
  3. richoso1

    richoso1 Smoking Guru OTBS Member SMF Premier Member

    Maybe you could write up one for my postoffice. I got a P.O. box because of vandalism, and now they loose my packages for weeks at a time within the same building. Go figure. Power to the People.
  4. deejaydebi

    deejaydebi Smoking Guru

    ROLF! I know how that works!

    My pay goes to the bank electronically on Thrusday nights but they don't give me credit for it until Friday at 3pm.

    I found that out one day before leaving on vacation - I couldn't get my money out until 3pm at which point I had to go to a different bank locaion because that branch was now closed. Gotta love it!

Share This Page