Subject: Fw: Hangovers
It's been so long since I've been past a 3 star hangover I can't even
remember - but after reading this is all comes back to me as to why I
don't get that way any longer :) Hangovers ...
If you don't laugh, then you just can't relate, but if you've been
there...this is hilarious!
One Star Hangover (*): No pain. No real feeling of illness. You're
able to function relatively well; however, you are still parched. You
can drink 5 sodas and still feel this way. For
some reason, you
are craving a steak & fries.
Two Star Hangover (**): No pain, but something is definitely amiss.
You may look okay, but you have the mental capacity of a staple gun.
The coffee you are chugging is only increasing your rumbling gut,
which is still tossing around the fruity pancake from the 3:00 AM
Waffle House excursion. There is some definite
havoc being wreaked upon your bowels.
Three Star Hangover (***): Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You
are definitely not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because
her perfume reminds you of the flavored schnapps shots your alcoholic
friends dared you to drink. Life could be better right now if you were
home in your bed watching
Lucy reruns.
You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 iced
teas and a diet Coke--- yet you haven't peed once.
Four Star Hangover (****): Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You
can't speak too quickly or else you might puke. Your boss has
already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for
reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact
that you only shaved one side of your face. (For the ladi es, it looks
like you put your make-up on while riding the Bumper cars.) Your eyes
look like one big red vein, and even your hair hurts. Your sphincter
is in perpetual spasm, and the first of about five ****s you take
during the day brings water to the eyes
of everyone who enters the bathroom.
Five Star Hangover
(*****): You have a second heartbeat in your
head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits in the next
cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you
dizzy. In fact, you are probably still drunk. You still have
toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth
in an attempt to get the remnants of the poop fairy out. Your body has
lost the ability to generate saliva so your tongue is suffocating you.
You don't have the foggiest idea who the hell the stranger was passed
out in your bed this morning. Any attempt to defecate results in a
fire hose like discharge of alcohol-scented fluid with a rare
'floater' thrown in. The sole purpose of this 'floater'seems to be to
splash the toilet water all over your
ass.
Death sounds pretty good about right now!
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFI CULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK: (I can barely say these sober)
Indubitably
Innovative
Preliminary
Proliferation
Cinnamon
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Specificity
British Constitution
Passive-aggressive disorder
Loquacious Transubstantiate
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
Nope, no more booze for me.
Sorry, but you're not really my type.
Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight.
Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear
me sing.
It's been so long since I've been past a 3 star hangover I can't even
remember - but after reading this is all comes back to me as to why I
don't get that way any longer :) Hangovers ...
If you don't laugh, then you just can't relate, but if you've been
there...this is hilarious!
One Star Hangover (*): No pain. No real feeling of illness. You're
able to function relatively well; however, you are still parched. You
can drink 5 sodas and still feel this way. For
some reason, you
are craving a steak & fries.
Two Star Hangover (**): No pain, but something is definitely amiss.
You may look okay, but you have the mental capacity of a staple gun.
The coffee you are chugging is only increasing your rumbling gut,
which is still tossing around the fruity pancake from the 3:00 AM
Waffle House excursion. There is some definite
havoc being wreaked upon your bowels.
Three Star Hangover (***): Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You
are definitely not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because
her perfume reminds you of the flavored schnapps shots your alcoholic
friends dared you to drink. Life could be better right now if you were
home in your bed watching
Lucy reruns.
You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 iced
teas and a diet Coke--- yet you haven't peed once.
Four Star Hangover (****): Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You
can't speak too quickly or else you might puke. Your boss has
already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for
reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact
that you only shaved one side of your face. (For the ladi es, it looks
like you put your make-up on while riding the Bumper cars.) Your eyes
look like one big red vein, and even your hair hurts. Your sphincter
is in perpetual spasm, and the first of about five ****s you take
during the day brings water to the eyes
of everyone who enters the bathroom.
Five Star Hangover
(*****): You have a second heartbeat in your
head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits in the next
cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you
dizzy. In fact, you are probably still drunk. You still have
toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth
in an attempt to get the remnants of the poop fairy out. Your body has
lost the ability to generate saliva so your tongue is suffocating you.
You don't have the foggiest idea who the hell the stranger was passed
out in your bed this morning. Any attempt to defecate results in a
fire hose like discharge of alcohol-scented fluid with a rare
'floater' thrown in. The sole purpose of this 'floater'seems to be to
splash the toilet water all over your
ass.
Death sounds pretty good about right now!
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFI CULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK: (I can barely say these sober)
Indubitably
Innovative
Preliminary
Proliferation
Cinnamon
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Specificity
British Constitution
Passive-aggressive disorder
Loquacious Transubstantiate
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
Nope, no more booze for me.
Sorry, but you're not really my type.
Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight.
Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear
me sing.
