Condensed Human History

Discussion in 'Jokes' started by seboke, Jul 11, 2008.

  1. seboke

    seboke Master of the Pit OTBS Member SMF Premier Member

    Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic
    hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter. The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundations of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:

    1. Liberals, and
    2. Conservatives.

    Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of
    agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor the aluminum can had been invented yet, so while our early ancestors were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.

    Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night
    while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is now known as the Conservative movement. Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.

    Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as girlie-men. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.

    Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most
    powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.

    Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white
    wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well
    done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. Another
    interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher
    testosterone levels than their men.

    Most social workers, personal injury lawyers, journalists, dreamers in
    Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the
    designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.

    Conservatives drink domestic beer, mostly Bud. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines, and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.

    Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and
    decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America . They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get something for nothing.

    Here ends today's lesson in world history:

    A Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily
    respond to the above before forwarding it.

    A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute
    truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other
    true believers and to more liberals just to piss them off.

    And there you have it.
     
  2. 1894

    1894 Smoking Fanatic SMF Premier Member

     

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