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Chuck Norris Jokes...

post #1 of 8
Thread Starter 
Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the **** he wants.

Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.

Chuck Norris doesn't cheat death. He wins fair and square.

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game Uno.

On a high school math test, Chuck Norris put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Chuck Norris solves all his problems with Violence.

Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

If you spell Chuck Norris wrong on Google it doesn't say, "Did you mean Chuck Norris?" It simply replies, "Run while you still have the chance."

Chuck Norris runs Windows Vista on his Etch-a-Sketch.

Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris' leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.

Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

Chuck Norris was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.

If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's ****ing beef.

Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.

Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

Giraffes were created when Chuck Norris uppercutted a horse.

Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.

Chuck Norris can have both feet on the ground and kick ass at the same time.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.

Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take **** from anyone.

Chuck Norris can squeeze orange juice out of a lemon

Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
post #2 of 8
chuck norris oncce swallowed a Transformer toy in vehicle mode whole. 5 minutes later he crapped it out in robot mode.
post #3 of 8
Oxygen required Chuck Norris to live.

Cars were invented to have a faster way of fleeing from Chuck Norris. Not to be outdone, Chuck Norris invented the car accident.

Similar to a Russian Nesting Doll, if you were to break Chuck Norris open you would find another Chuck Norris inside, only smaller and angrier.

Once a grizzly bear threatened to eat Chuck Norris. Chuck showed the bear his fist and the bear proceeded to eat himself because it would be a less painful way to die.

Chuck Norris invented the spoon because using knives to kill people is just too easy.

Chuck Norris has a word for a person he puts in a coma; that word is lucky.

The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

Chuck Norris clogs the toilet even when he pisses.

Chuck Norris doesn't use pickup lines, he simply says, "Now".

Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell them there was a stripper in it.

And finally...
Chuck Norris does not know about this thread. Otherwise he would have deleted the internet.
post #4 of 8
The dinosours disrespected Chuck Norris..... once!
post #5 of 8
Funny stuff Paul...Man,he was on the news the other day and looked rough.Hair died,looked like a face lift......ouch!!!!
post #6 of 8
Dishin' out all that pain takes a toll on ya'. biggrin.gif
post #7 of 8
Well heck he's 70 something. Nice to know ya. icon_mrgreen.gif
post #8 of 8
Chuck Norris is 69 years old. I wish I was in that good of shape now!!! PDT_Armataz_01_34.gif

And his wife is "Hot".....
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