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i havent been around in a while

post #1 of 24
Thread Starter 
i know i haven't been around here in a while. been dealing with personal issues for a bit ... and now comes the toughest one of all ... the divorce. can't say that i am ready for it. but at the same time i am looking forward to it.

we have been together for 10 years, but for the past 7 it has pretty much been dead.

she married me because she liked how i treated her, and apparently she thought she could change me into someone that she likes (that does the things she wants to do, mostly redneck, country stuff) i am not a person who changes easily, and i will be the first to say that. but i am a city person, computer geek. a completly different lifestyle ...

the past 4 months has been the worse, till finally last night she finally agreed that since i don't change who i am so she will like me .. that we should go our own ways ...

the toughest part of all of this will be finding a new place to stay within a month hopefully ...

i don't know why i am posting this, other then for the fact that since we have been together ... about the only friends i have left are ones that i know online ... have lost contact with all my other friends because she didn't like them. etc etc etc ...
post #2 of 24
I am not sure if I should be happy or sad for you. But just remember, hang in there. It will all work out.

Don't forget to do some smokin and let the thin blues rise to the heavens.
post #3 of 24
Thread Starter 
i haven't figured out the happy or sad part yet either ... but i know it will work out ... just the pain at the same time ...
post #4 of 24
well, most gals marry guys for what they see, or what potential they have to make them what they want them to be. It is sad that your relationship has taken a road less desired, but the alternative is to stay together unhappy, and waste the remaining years of your life. Finding another person to be happy with would be a much better choice, and it appears that you are taking the first steps to just that. Keep us in your circle of friends, and take your mind off of the tyroubles occassionally by smoking up some good eats, and let us know how your doing in the meantime.

Things will turn around, be happy when you can, and avoid the things that trouble you the most.

post #5 of 24
Welcome back man! We still love our fellow smokers! :{)
post #6 of 24
Welcome back again. Hope things settle down for you soon. I'm a firm believer that things happen for a reason. You'll know why sometime soon.

Glad you're back. Hope you're not gone so long next time. Ohh BTW - we need food pix biggrin.gif
post #7 of 24
Welcome back. Bummer, but I agree with pigcicles, things happen for a reason and I have always found out that it is for the better. When you're feeling down just dial up your family at SMF, someone will make you feel better
post #8 of 24
Sorry to hear. Been there and it sucks. Took me forever to remember who I really was cause I spent so much time tryin to please someone who couldnt be pleased. So learn to take care of yourself. Be happy with who you are and when you meet the right one she wont want you to change at all. God bless you.
post #9 of 24
Welcome back,

Not sure if you have kids, but if you do, and there is always "tension" in the house, then they will feel it, it will hurt them.

I am sure you have been in someone elses house and felt the tension between a couple---its a bad thing.

Here is my point, sometimes, there is a chance to get rid of that tension, and actually be really happy, but it takes at least a year of healing, etc. What I am trying to tell you is, go to a councilor whether your wife wants to or not. If you don't like the councilor, get another one. You should google around and find a book that relates to what you "think" the problem is, I promise, if you are in the pain I think you are, you will read it in a day.

I promise you that even if things don't work out for you, you will be glad you got some help. You will find out that we all do things and react in ways that are part of similar behavior patterns. When there is tensions like you say, then we the humans involved become blind on how to "change" our behaviors to help solve problems. I didn't say "change as a person", I said change certain behavoirs:-) I also promise you that you will learn something you didn't know about yourself that you may not like.

I hope this helps some. Also, I like the Captains advice too, smoke up some meat, keep talking to your friends here.



ps ---to quote Pigcycles "I'm a firm believer that things happen for a reason. You'll know why sometime soon."

Know matter what happens, someday, you might be glad it did, so hang in there.
post #10 of 24
Thread Starter 
it has been at least 6 months since i smoked any meats .. got a bunch of ribs in the freezer .. guess now is about as good of time as any to cook em up and enjoy em ...

there is one kid, he isnt mind tho ... 15 year old boy ... have raised him since he was 3 ...

when i told him we were seperating ... the words that hurt the most were 'can i go with you?' ... he can't ... she would never let him go ... 'supposidly' she is still going to let me take him bike riding (we normally go 2 to 3 times a week, mountain bike and road bike) ... but i am sure that will drop off after a little while ..

my main goal is going to be to discover myself again (hah that sounds corny) ... but i have learned from this .. that i will never change the fundimentals of who i am .. for anyone .. no matter what .. if they can not accept me for who i am (no matter how good they look) ... it will never go further then a 1 night relationship ... eek.gif
post #11 of 24
Best of luck to you. You sound like you have a good handle on this. You have a direction. The rest will just take time.

For life, just as in smoking, slow and steady wins the race.
post #12 of 24
Sorry about the situation but sounds best.
Heck, just pick up the phone or email some old friends.
When I get together with my HS buddies (we graduated in 79) and we haven't seen each other for sometimes years as our group is rather large about 15-20 of us from our bunch... we just start talkin like we had seen each other yesterday.

It's not as tough as you might be thinking to reconnect with old friends and this will also allow you a chance to make new friends. Ones with similar tastes to yours. Reach out at Church, join some geek computer club, join a chess organization or whatever it is you're into. Shake it up a little. Breath the fresh air.
post #13 of 24
btdt Devil...........my oldest isn't mine, but when he hit 15, our law sez he CAN go live with his "DAD"........he came RUNNING to my house to live.......you raised him.......bet you could put up a fight bout that.........i would at least look into it........who knows, she may TRY (no clue on your state laws as to this, but some states will go after you) for child support.......i know conn. is that way.........not sure bout other states...........
post #14 of 24
devil im so sorry for your pain going thru this tough time just remember your good ole smf buddies and do some smoking and post some pics and well help as much as we can thru your diffucult time...god bless
post #15 of 24
Ya just need to vent a lil bit, and what better place to do so then one like this. We all have a common thread (unintentional pun) on this forum and you feel like you can get some good words of comfort. If the only friends that you feel you have are online ones, then, another reason to to post here. If you arent getting along, then it is prolly better to part ways while you are still sane. Im no PHD, but I suggest applying heavy layers of TBS and spritzing with light alchohol, good music, and happy people for about the next year. Look up some old buds and enjoy yourself. Sorry to hear about this situation. Good luck
post #16 of 24
Hang in there, there always folks round here willin ta pop the top on a cool one with yall, pull up a stump an enjoy a good smoke. Ain't much we can do cept listen an hope yall get a better run comin yer way. Good luck, visit when yall feel like ya need a friend.
post #17 of 24

Know how ya feel!!!

Devil- Been there, done that (five times yetPDT_Armataz_01_04.gif ). They start that change stuff and the arguments begin,yep, not satisfied with thier "prize" so gotta screw with it!!!LOL
The guys ARE right - things happen for ,yadda-yadda-yadda! My first four were setting me up for the best thing I ever accomplished, finding Trish, my better half!
As for no friends, you know better! Just fire-up the old smoker and they'll start coming by and re-aquainting themselves again (yeah, it sounds like bribbery but...)LOL
The bitterest fruit is heartbreak;the sweetest drink is friendship!-you have that here. Chin up and hang with us!PDT_Armataz_01_40.gif
post #18 of 24
Not good to hear about your pain as you go through the divorce but remember you have a new chance to look at life and enjoy it to its fullest potential.

The SMF family is always here for each other through thick and thin, TBS.

Hang in there, Devil!
post #19 of 24
Welcome back dude,we are here if ya need to talk...sorry for your pain,,,fire up the smoker and do some of the things that ya like... be true to your self......Sing like nobody is listening,.... dance like nobody is watching and work like ya dont need the money...cool.gif
post #20 of 24
Thread Starter 
no its not easy ... and i know the hard part hasn't started yet ...

she only just realized what is wrong in the relationship ... and i
have been trying to say it for the past 7 years ... the part about
that which hurts though ... is when i reminded her that i have been
saying that for those years ... she says 'but it just started
happening' ...

in all honesty, i think there is a little bit more to this ... her
grandmother just passed away, and at the same time she was fighting
with her mom and we were planning on moving away to our own place, on
our own land (we live on her familys land now) ... but after the
funeral. suddenly her family, which had been treating her like crap
ever since i met her ... suddenly are being nice to her, and pointing
at me ... saying that i am the reason she acts the way she does ...
(she is the black sheep of the family, always has been .. hasn't
changed any since i met her) but now they have someone to blame it on

all she knows now is they are talking to her, and saying i am the
reason .. and she is beleiving them ... so out i go ...

it may just be in my head .. but it is looking to be true to me ...
most of the words she is saying right now, sound like other stuff that
people have said and she is just repeating.

all three of us did talk last night .. the kid included in that .. he
told her that he wants to move with me, which she won't allow .. he
reminded her that when he turns 16 he can make that decision on his
own (his birthday is in december) ... she cried at that coming from
him .. heh ... so i mentioned about him staying with me on weekends,
and a little during the summer and winter break ... so we can still go
riding and i can still take him to see my mom ... she agreed to it ...
not sure how long it will last but maybe it will ... she also swears
that she will make sure none of her family members talk bad about me
to him (most of them are in shock that we are having a 'peacful'
breakup heh)

i brought up the child support, while we were talking about him and with him and she swears she won't try for it ... if she does try, my boss will help me with re-arranging my paycheck.

i have a feeling that he may show up to stay when he turns 16 ... but who knows.

thanks again for all the words, i may try to smoke some meat in the next day or two .. to take my mind off of stuff ...

well today is the first day i go to work, without a wedding band on.
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