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No one told me about this. - Page 2

post #21 of 30
Thread Starter 

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol &
Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our
15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something
extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a
100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer. The effects of the
Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term
adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time
to retreat to safety....?? WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I
bought the device and brought it h ome. I loaded two AAA
batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if
pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at
the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity
darting back and forth between the prongs.AWESOME!!!Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to
Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to
myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two
triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my
cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while
I was reading the directions and thinking that I really
needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving
target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie(for a
fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such
a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my

wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some
assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? So,
there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my
reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose,
directions in one hand, and Tazer in another
The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and
disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to
cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a
three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant
flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst
longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device
measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in
circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy,
bitsy triple-A
batteries) thinking to myself, 'no
possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond
description, but I'll do my best...?
I'm sitting there alone , Gracie looking on with her
head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it
dipsh!t,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a
tiny little ol' thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I
decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of
it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the
button, and . . . HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . . WEAPONS OF MASS

I'm pretty sure The Hulk ran in through the side door,
picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed me on the
carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall
waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my
body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles
nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body
in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?
The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before,
clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace,
obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body
flopping all over the living room.
Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself
with a Tazer, one note of caution: there is no such thing as
a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let
go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a
violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst
would be considered conservative? A minute or so later (I
can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that
point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up
and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on
the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down
and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My
triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my
bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the
drooling. Apparently I sh!t myself, but was too numb to know
for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke
cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair.
I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a
significant reward for their safe return!!
P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens
me with it!
post #22 of 30
Good God, never a dull moment!
Good luck with your nuts!
post #23 of 30
OMG - Has to be the funniest thing I've ever read. My sides ache, I'm crying like a baby and my coworkers think I'm nuts. Speaking of nuts...
post #24 of 30
LMAO coyote!!!!! hope you find nuts!!! hmmmmm burnt microwave...would that work for starting charcoal???
post #25 of 30
LOL, I love the war dept. reference!
post #26 of 30
Thread Starter 
well, do not add chemiclas to the fire to try and change the colors of the smoke to a more festive theme, do not git me wrong know you can have all diffrent colors of smoke coming out the stack on yer smoker. But the flavor that is imparted to the meat is not well, lets say not edible by all.
post #27 of 30
ROFL... laughing on a super full stomach is not a good idea! Just had a "V-urp" (one of those burps with a tiny bit of vomit in it)..... eeewww!

Keep 'em coming Coyote!
post #28 of 30
Coyote, I can just picture the events in my mind. Sounds like something I would do after too many Long Island Ice Teas. I laughed so hard I cryed.
post #29 of 30
Coyote you had me laughin so hard several times in this thread that tears were runnin down my face and I nearly p---ed my pants. I can picture the coffee real well - we have two grinders and have accidnetly used the wrong one and the morning surprise is well not so fun
post #30 of 30
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