World history - As it really Happened

> World History - As it Really Happened
>
> Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic
> hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and
> would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.
>
> The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and
> the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These
> were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for
> the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:
>
> Liberals and Conservatives.
>
> Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of
> agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so
> while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they
> just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.
>
> Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q and smoke at night while
> they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the
> Conservative movement.
>
> Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the
> conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's/smokes and doing the sewing,
> fetching and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement. Some
> of these liberal men eventually evolved into women.
> The rest became known as girliemen.
>
> Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the
> invention of group therapy and group hugs and the concept of Democratic voting
> to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.
>
> Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful
> land animal on earth, the elephant . Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.
>
> Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine
> or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done.
>
> Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare.
>
> Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher
> testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury
> attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals.
> Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the
> pitcher also bat.
>
> Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their
> women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks,
> construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate
> executives, athletes, Marines, and generally anyone who works productively.
> Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a
> living.
>
> Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide
> what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened
> than Americans.
>
> That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were
> coming to America . They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a
> business of trying to get more for nothing.
>
> Here ends today's lesson in world history: It should be noted that a Liberal may
> have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding it.
>
> Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this
> history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers. And to
> more liberals just to piss them off.