Last weekend, I saw something at Larry's Pistol &
Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was
looking for a little something extra for my wife
Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt,
pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser
were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term
adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her
adequate time to retreat to safety.
WAY TOO COOL!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it
home. I loaded 2 triple-A batteries in the darn
thing and pushed the button. Nothing!
I was disappointed. I learned, however,
that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against
a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the
blue arch of electricity darting back and forth
between the prongs. AWESOME!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what
that burn spot is on the face of her microwave!
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy,
thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with
only 2 triple-A batteries, right?! !
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on
intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the
directions and thinking that I really needed to try
this thing out on a flesh and blood moving target. I
must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a
fraction of a second) and thought better of it.
She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give
this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger,
I did want some assurance that it would work as
advertised. Am I wrong???
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top
with my reading glasses perched delicately on
the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand
and taser in another.
The directions said that a 1-second burst would
shock and disorient your assailant;
a 2-second burst was supposed to cause muscle
spasms and a major loss of bodily control;
a 3-second burst would reportedly make your
assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of
water. Any burst longer than 3 seconds would
be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device
measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch
in circumference -- pretty cute really and
(loaded with 2 itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries)
thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'
What happened next is almost beyond description,
but I'll do my best... I'm sitting there alone,
Gracie looking on with her head cocked to
one side as if to say, 'don't do it, dumbass,'
reasoning that a 1-second burst from such a tiny
little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided
to give myself a 1-second burst just for heck of it.
I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed
the button and...
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!!
I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the
sidedoor, picked me up in the recliner,
then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and
over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my
side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking
wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found,
with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest
position and tingling in my legs!
The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I
had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking
to herself, 'Do it again, stupid, do it again!'
Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself
with a taser, 1 note of caution: there is no such thing as a
1-second burst when you zap yourself!
You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your
hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A 3-second burst
would be considered conservative.
SON-OF-A-*%#... That hurt like **% !!!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a
relative thing at that point),
I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up
and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses
were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get up there??
My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were
still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up
with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 pounds.
I'm still looking for my testicles! I'm offering a
significant reward for their safe return!!
P. S.
My wife loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!
If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid.
Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was
looking for a little something extra for my wife
Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt,
pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser
were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term
adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her
adequate time to retreat to safety.
WAY TOO COOL!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it
home. I loaded 2 triple-A batteries in the darn
thing and pushed the button. Nothing!
I was disappointed. I learned, however,
that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against
a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the
blue arch of electricity darting back and forth
between the prongs. AWESOME!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what
that burn spot is on the face of her microwave!
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy,
thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with
only 2 triple-A batteries, right?! !
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on
intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the
directions and thinking that I really needed to try
this thing out on a flesh and blood moving target. I
must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a
fraction of a second) and thought better of it.
She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give
this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger,
I did want some assurance that it would work as
advertised. Am I wrong???
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top
with my reading glasses perched delicately on
the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand
and taser in another.
The directions said that a 1-second burst would
shock and disorient your assailant;
a 2-second burst was supposed to cause muscle
spasms and a major loss of bodily control;
a 3-second burst would reportedly make your
assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of
water. Any burst longer than 3 seconds would
be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device
measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch
in circumference -- pretty cute really and
(loaded with 2 itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries)
thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'
What happened next is almost beyond description,
but I'll do my best... I'm sitting there alone,
Gracie looking on with her head cocked to
one side as if to say, 'don't do it, dumbass,'
reasoning that a 1-second burst from such a tiny
little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided
to give myself a 1-second burst just for heck of it.
I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed
the button and...
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!!
I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the
sidedoor, picked me up in the recliner,
then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and
over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my
side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking
wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found,
with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest
position and tingling in my legs!
The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I
had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking
to herself, 'Do it again, stupid, do it again!'
Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself
with a taser, 1 note of caution: there is no such thing as a
1-second burst when you zap yourself!
You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your
hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A 3-second burst
would be considered conservative.
SON-OF-A-*%#... That hurt like **% !!!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a
relative thing at that point),
I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up
and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses
were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get up there??
My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were
still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up
with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 pounds.
I'm still looking for my testicles! I'm offering a
significant reward for their safe return!!
P. S.
My wife loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!
If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid.
