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For the men...this means war. (of the - Page 5

post #81 of 97
Women's Poem

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong,
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens doors,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "How big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.


I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs
Who owns a liquor store and a golf course.
This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a ****!
post #82 of 97
A man left work one Friday afternoon. But instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend, hunting with the boys and spending his entire paycheck on beer and food.
When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by his very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade about his actions.
Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him " how would you liek it if you didn't see me for 2 or 3 days?" To which the man replied, " That would be fine with me!"
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife.Tuesday and Wednesday came and went and he didn't see her.
On Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
post #83 of 97
---------cool Things About Being A Man--------
1 Your @ss Is Never A Factor In A Job Interview
2 Your Orgasms Are Real!! Always
3 Your Last Name Stays Put
4 The Garage Is All Yours
5 Wedding Plans Take Care Of Themselves
6 You Never Feel Compelled To Stop A Friend From Getting Laid
7 Car Mechanis Tell You The Truth
8 You Don't Give A Rats @ss If Someone Notices Your New Haircut
9 Hot Wax Never Comes Near Your Pubic Area
10 Same Work--more Pay!!
11 Wrinkles Add Character
12 You Don't Have To Leave The Room To Make Emegency Crotch Adjustments
13 Wedding Dress $2000; Tux Rental $100
14 If You Retain Water--it's In A Canteen
15 People Never Glance At Your Chest When You're Walking To Them
16 New Shoes Don't Cut, Blister, Or Mangle Your Feet
17 One Mood--all The Damn Time
18 Phone Conversations Are Over In 30 Seconds
19 A Five-day Vacation Requires Only 1 Suitcase
20 You Can Open All Your Own Jars
21 You Get Extra Credit For The Slightest Act Of Thoughtfulness
22 Your Underwear Is $10-- A 3-pack
23 If You Are 34 And Single, Nobody Notices
24 You Can Quietly Enjoy A Car Ride From The Passengers Seat
25 Three Pairs Of Shoes Are More Than Enough
26 You Can Quietly Watch A Game With Your Buddy For Hours Without Ever Thinking He Is Mad At You
27 No Maxi-pads
28 If Another Guy Shows Up At A Party In The Same Outfit, You Just Might Become Life-long Buddies
29 You Are Not Expected To Know More Than 5 Colors
30 You Don't Have To Stop And Think Which Way To Turn A Nut On A Bolt
31 You Are Unable To See Wrinkles In Your Clothes
32 The Same Hairstyle Last For Years, Maybe Decades
33 Your Belly Usually Hides Your Big Hips
34 One Wallet And 1 Pair Of Shoes, 1 Color, All Seasons
35 You Can "do" Your Nails With A Pocketknife
36 Christmas Shopping Can Be Accomplished For 25 Relatives, On December 24th, In 6 Minutes
37 The World Is Your Urinal

----ten Things Men Know For Sure About Women-------------------
10 They Have Breasts!!
post #84 of 97
Men strike back!
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?

Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?

It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows
them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?

The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

Scientists have
discovered a food that diminishes
a woman's sex drive by 90%.

It's called a Wedding Cake.

Women will never be equal to men
until they can
walk down the street with a bald head and a beer
gut, and still think they are sexy.
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.

Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.


post #85 of 97
A blonde woman was having financial troubles so she decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote a note. " I have kidnapped your child. I am sorry to do this but I need the money. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park at 7 am." Signed, " The Blonde."

She pinned the note inside the little boys jacket and told him to go straight home.

The next morning she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown bag behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed. Inside the bag with the cash was the following note. " Here is your money! I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to another!"
post #86 of 97
A blonde's car gets a flat tire on the Interstate one day, so she eases
it over onto the shoulder of the road.
She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk.
She then takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the
rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic.
The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies
to approaching drivers...
Not surprisingly, the traffic became snarled and backed up.
It wasn't very long before a police car arrives.
The Officer, clearly enraged, approaches the blonde of the disabled
vehicle yelling, 'What is going on here?'
'My car broke down, Officer' says the woman, calmly.
'Well, what are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by the
road?!' asks the Officer...

'Helllllooooo, those are my emergency flashers!', she replies.
post #87 of 97

A beautiful blonde goes into a bar and sits down next to a guy that's so homely looking, he hasn't had a date in over a year, also, he's sooooo dumb that one night he slept with a ruler next to his head to see how long he slept. So he figures that he has absolutely no chance in the world to score a date with this ravishing buxom blonde.
Then suddenly she strikes up a conversation with him and soon they become rather chummy. It starts to get late and the bartender calls out last drink for alcohol, then the blonde leans over to the guy and says, "Let's have this last drink at my apartment."
Taken back by her request, and trembling, the guy finally utters the word, "OK."
They get up from the bar stool arm and arm headed for the door, when the blonde stops him and says, "Before we go back to my apartment there's one thing I have to tell you, I'm on my menstrual cycle."
He says, "That's ok, I'll follow you in my Honda."

post #88 of 97
Hey guys this may help 13 Things PMS Stands For:

1. Pass My Shotgun

2. Psychotic Mood Shift

3. Perpetual Munching Spree

4. Puffy Mid-Section

5. People Make me Sick

6. Provide Me with Sweets

7. Pardon My Sobbing

8. Pimples May Surface

9. Pass My Sweat pants

10. Pissy Mood Syndrome

11. Plainly; Men Suck

12. Pack My Stuff

and my favorite one.

13. Potential Murder Suspect
post #89 of 97
It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Jim. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Peggy. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Peggy to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed.

Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the Golf Club about the same time she gets home from work.

Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn’t hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Peggy. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older.

However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.


Jim died suddenly on May 27 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing and a sledge hammer laying nearby.
post #90 of 97
Helllloooooooooooooooo! Good one!
post #91 of 97
Sounds like Jim was a good man, he will be missed. It only makes me realize how short life can be, and what a heel I have been. From this point on I will try to do more for my wife. I will try to help with her gardening by starting the lawn mower for her and I will reccomend that she weave a larger laundry basket for herself so that she will not have to make so many trips up and down those old rickety basement stairs. And to help save her tired old feet I will tell her to buy me those tall boy beers, so that she will have to get up less often to bring me a drink.
post #92 of 97


When Dan found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So, one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her, "but in just a week or two, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars." Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and, three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much smarter than men.
post #93 of 97

love it!!
post #94 of 97
ohhhhhhhh that's bad!
post #95 of 97

why wedding dresses are white

Son asks his mother the following question: "Mom, why are wedding dresses white?" The mother looks at her son and replies, "Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure."
The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father.
"Dad why are wedding dresses white?" The father looks at his son in surprise and says, "Son, all household appliances come in white."
post #96 of 97
How did THIS ONE get past me??

post #97 of 97
another post brought back from the dead... biggrin.gif
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