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bbq joke

post #1 of 8
Thread Starter 
A man and his wife were working in their garden one day and the man looks over at his wife and says: "Your butt is getting really big, I mean really big. I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue."

With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom. "Yes, I was right; your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!!!" The woman chose to ignore her husband.

Later that night in bed, the husband is feeling a little frisky. He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off. "What's wrong?" he asks.

She answers: "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie
post #2 of 8
LOL... I HATE when that happens!
post #3 of 8
Hilarious!!!!!! LMBFBO..........
post #4 of 8
Thread Starter 

good chili joke

For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is.
They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes
around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San
Antonio city park.

The notes below are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Ed, who was
visiting from Fallbrook, Ca.

Ed: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment . And
I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for
directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was
assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili
wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer
during the tasting, so I accepted".

Here are the scorecards from the event: (Ed is Judge #3)

Chili # 1 Eddie's Maniac Monster Chili...

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 (Ed) Holy Moly what the hell is in this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy!

Chili # 2 Austin's Afterburner Chili...

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure
what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people
who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more
beer when they saw the look on my face. These hicks are out of their

Chili # 3 Ronny's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili...

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now.
Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my
backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting frog- faced
from all of the beer...

Chili # 4 Dave's Black Magic...

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for
fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili..

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was
unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the
barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb woman is
starting to look HOT...just like the is nuclear waste I'm eating! Is
chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili # 5 Lisa's Legal Lip Remover...

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 --Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and
I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me
needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that
her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from
bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if
I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

Chili # 6 Pam's Very Vegetarian Variety...

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic. Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
gaseous, sulphuric flames. I messed myself when I farted and I'm
worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand
behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to
wipe my butt with a snow cone.

Chili # 7 Carla's Screaming Sensation Chili...

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can
of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am
worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he
is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and
I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world
sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with
chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava
to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what
killed me. I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it;
I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in
through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8 Karen's Toenail Curling Chili...

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither
mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3
farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of
himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how
he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
post #5 of 8
OMG, you guy`s are way to funny, rolflmfao !!!! I was lol so hard my wife came to see what was goin on i couldn`t speak for a cpl of min`s!! the chili one killled me .....icon_lol.gifPDT_Armataz_01_34.gif ok take care !!
post #6 of 8
My stomach is hurting form laughing so hard. yikes!

post #7 of 8
GREAT JOB Linescum. lmao on the last one. couldn't keep tears back long enough to read it. had to back up two or three times to find my place. StevePDT_Armataz_01_34.gifPDT_Armataz_01_34.gifPDT_Armataz_01_34.gif
post #8 of 8
i have seen that chili joke a few times. i always lmao every time i read it, it is so funny.
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