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Bear Removal Service

post #1 of 6
Thread Starter 
A man in northern MAINE, woke up one morning to find a bear on his roof. He looked in the Yellow Pages, and sure enough, there was an ad for "Up North Bear Removers." He called the number listed and the bear remover said he'd be over within an hour.

The bear remover arrived, and got out of his van. He had a ladder, a baseball bat, a 12 gauge shotgun, and a mean looking, heavily scarred old pit bull. "What are you going to do?" the homeowner asked.

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there, and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off the roof, the pit bull is trained to grab his testacles, and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."

He then handed the shotgun to the homeowner. "What's the shotgun for?" the homeowner asked. "If the bear knocks me off the roof, you be damn sure to shoot the dog."
post #2 of 6

post #3 of 6
An elderly man was stopped by the police around 2 a.m and was asked where he was going at that time of night.
The man replied,
"I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replied, "That would be my wife."
post #4 of 6

These are so beautiful!!!! Thank you! The world needs more humor!!!! Cheers! - Leah

post #5 of 6
A DEAD DUCK
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she lay
her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to
the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so
sorry, your pet has passed away."

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I'm sure. The duck is
dead," he replied.

"How can you be so sure", she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any
testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a
few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner
looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws
on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He
then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the
dog and took it out and returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat.

The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed the bird from its beak to
its tail and back again. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its
head, meowed softly, jumped down and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is
most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a
bill which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock,
took the bill. "£250!" she cried, "£250 just to tell me my duck is
dead?!!"

The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill
would have been £20. But with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it all
adds up."
post #6 of 6

Very Cute!!!!! Terrific to see these! Cheers! - Leah

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