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Post best joke

post #1 of 19
Thread Starter 
Two muffins in a oven and one looks at the other and says" darn it's hot in here" the other looks bewildered and shouts " ohhhhh shoot! A talking muffin!?!?!?!!!!
post #2 of 19

A local newspaper was having a joke writing contest, so a man decided to enter the ten best puns he knew.  The next day he looked in the paper to see if any of his jokes had won, but no pun in ten did.

post #3 of 19

I can't believe that you guys are telling jokes when I have to go to my wife's funeral today. She is the fourth wife that I have buried in the last fifteen years. The first three died from eating poison mushrooms. This one died from a busted skull........She just wouldn't eat her mushrooms!!!   Happy New Year!!!

post #4 of 19

Two cannibals are sitting by the campfire eating a clown.

One looks at the other and asks "Does this taste funny to you?"

post #5 of 19

Two atoms are walking down the street.   One notices that the other one looks sad, so he asks him

"What's wrong? You don't look so good."

"Yeah, I think I lost an electron.", the first one replies.

"Are you sure?" the second one asks.

"Yeah, I'm positive."

post #6 of 19

Teacher : How old is your dad.
Student : He is as old as I am.
Teacher :How is it possible?
Student :Because he became a dad only after I was born.

post #7 of 19

Got these in an email a long time ago.



There's a 10 year old boy sitting on a park bench tearing into his fifth candy bar. The old man sitting beside him says "Hey there young man, you keep eating candy like that, you won't live very long"


The boy replies, "Mister, I'll have you know that my grandpa lived to be 104 years old!"

The man replies, "Did you your grandpa eat five candy bars at a time?"

The boy, "No, he kept himself out of trouble by minding his own business!"



A pirate walks into a bar. The bartender looks at him and exclaims "Oh my God, there's a steering wheel on your crotch!"
The pirate says "Arrrrrr, I know - it's drivin' me nuts!"

post #8 of 19
Last year I thought I would be a nice guy and get my mother in law a burial plot, one less thing for her to worry about. She was thrilled, but this year I didn't get her anything, and she was rather upset with me. When questioned I explained to her that she still hasn't used my gift from last year

Sent from my XT907 using Tapatalk 2
post #9 of 19

1. Why did the flower want to hang out with the mushroom?  B/c the mushroom was a fun-gi (fun guy).


2. Guy walks down the street and a bar has a sign advertising free beer.  He goes in and asks the bartender for some free beer, and the bartender says he has to do THREE things to earn it:

 FIRST - chug a gallon of peppered vodka

 SECOND - go into the back alley where there's an alligator with a sore tooth.  Pull the sore tooth.

 THIRD - upstairs there's the 73 year old owner of the bar.  She's never had an orgasm.  Have to go up and give her one.

So the guy says, "NO PROBLEM!"  He gets the gallon vodka and chugs it like a pro.  Once he's done, he's feeling the effects, and is a little disoriented.  He looks to the bartender, who points to the alley and says, "remember?  The alligator??"  Guy slurs, "oh yeah, alligator."  He goes out and immediately a bunch of noise emanates.  Screaming, trash cans banging, walls being pounded on.  Ten minutes later the guys comes back in, torn to shreds.  He says to the bartender, "ok, now where is that woman with the sore tooth?"





post #10 of 19
A woman gets onto a bus with her baby.
The bus driver says, “That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh!”
The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, “The driver just insulted me!”
The man says, “There’s no call for that. You go right up there and tell him off. Go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”
post #11 of 19


Two cannibals are sitting by the campfire eating a clown.

One looks at the other and asks "Does this taste funny to you?"




and to finish the joke...........................and his reply ?   " No , but i am having a ball !"

post #12 of 19
Two guys walk into a bar, you'd a thought one of them would have seen it.

A fish swims into a wall, says "dam".
post #13 of 19

A salesman is lost in a rural area and stops at a farm to get directions. As he is talking to the farmer he notices a pig with a wooden leg. "How did the pig get a wooden leg?", he asks the farmer.

"Well", says the farmer, "that is a very special pig. One night not too long ago we had a fire start in the barn.

"Well, sir, that pig set up a great squealing that woke everyone, and by the time we got there he had herded all the other animals out of the barn and saved everyone of them."

"And that was when he hurt his leg?" asked the salesman.

"Oh no" says the farmer. "He was fine after that. Though a while later I was in the woods out back and a bear attacked me. Well, sir, that pig was near by and he came running and set on that bear and chased him off. Saved me for sure."

"So the bear injured his leg then," says the salesman.

"Oh no. He came away without a scratch from that. Though a few days later my tractor turned over in a ditch and I was knocked unconscious. Well, that pig dove into the ditch and pulled me out before I drowned."

"So he hurt his leg then?" asks the salesman.

"Oh no," says the farmer.

"So how did he get the wooden leg?" the salesman asks.

"Well", the farmer tells him, "When you have a pig like that, you don't want to eat him all at once."

post #14 of 19
What can a chicken do that you can't ? Eat with his pecker.
post #15 of 19
Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was "a salted."
Bar tender says to the stud "why the long face." The stud replies "I'm a horse"
post #16 of 19

A old, almost blind Cowboy walks into a bar and orders a drink. After a bit he shouts out, "Who wants to hear a blonde joke?" The bartender comes over and tells him he is actually in a Lesbian bar and that she herself is a blonde and I have a shotgun. The lady in back of you knows Karate and she too is a blonde. The two women down at the end of the bar are hunters and crack shots, also blondes and the lady at the other end of the bar is a boxer and again a blonde. Are you sure you want to proceed with your blonde joke??  The old Cowboy thought about it for a minute and finally said, "No I guess not, I don't want to have to explain it 5 times".

post #17 of 19
What did the three legged dog say when he walked into a bar?

I'm looking for the man who shot my paw!
post #18 of 19

Two fish are in a tank.

One fish turns to the other and asks, " Do you know how to drive this thing?"

post #19 of 19

The dumb peasant goes into town to buy some fish from the fishmonger. As usual, the fishmonger gets the better part of the deal.


Out of frustration, the peasant says You always outsmart me every time, what makes you so smart?


The fishmonger says, I shouldn't do this but I'll let you in on a secret. When I eat the fish, I eat the heads, too.


What? You eat the heads?


That's right. And that makes me smart. And by the way, I have a special deal on fish heads today.


Well then I'll buy them all!


The next day, the peasant is back at the fishmonger's.


Well, my wife and I cooked up those fish heads and ate them, and honestly, they were awful!


The fishmonger smiles and says, Ah-hah! Smarter already!

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