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Habanero Revenge

post #1 of 6
Thread Starter 


  DO NOT read  this if you have to  pee....
> I went to the Home Depot  recently while not being altogether sure
> that course  of action was a wise one. You see, the previous  evening
> I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity  of my patented 'you're
> definitely going to P**  yourself' roadkill chili. Tasty stuff,
> albeit hot to  the point of being painful, which comes with a written
> guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day  both of your butt
> cheeks WILL fall off.
> Here's the thing. I had  awakened that morning, and even after two
> cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened.. No
> 'Watson's Movement 2'. Despite habanera  peppers swimming their way
> through my intestinal  tract, I was unable to create the usual morning
> symphony referred to  by my dear wife as 'thunder and  lightning'.
> Knowing that a time
> of reckoning HAD to  come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set
> off for the Depot, my quest being paint and supplies to refinish the
> den.
> Upon entering the store at  first all seemed normal. I selected a cart
> and began  pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It  wasn't
> until I was at the opposite end of the store  from the restrooms that
> the pain hit me. Oh, don't  look at me like you don't know what I'm
> talking about.  I'm referring to that 'Uh, Oh, p**, gotta go'
> pain  that always seems to hit us
> at the wrong time. The  thing is, this pain was different.  The
> habaneros in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt.
> In a mad rush for freedom  they bullied their way through the small
> intestines,  forcing their way into the large intestines,  and  before
> I could take one step in the direction of the  restrooms which would
> bring sweet relief, it happened.  The peppers fired a warning shot.
> There I stood, alone in the  paint and stain section, suddenly
> enveloped in a  noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been
> recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of  this vile odor
> might escape me.
> Slowly, oh so slowly,  the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of
> my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as a red
> aproned clerk turned the corner and  asked if I needed any help. I
> don't know what made me  do it, but I stopped to see what his reaction
> would be  to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate.  Have
> you ever been torn in two different directions  emotionally? Here's
> what I mean, and I'm sure some of  you at least will be  able to
> relate. I could've warned  that poor clerk, but didn't. I simply
> watched as he  walked into an invisible, and apparently
> indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all he could do before
> gathering his senses and running, was  to stand there blinking and
> waving his arms about his  head as though trying to ward off angry
> bees.. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me
> laugh.. .......BIG mistake!!!!!
> Here's the thing. When you  laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped
> down', if you  know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive
> issue burst forth from my nether region.. Some were so  loud and
> echoing that I was later told a few folks in  other aisles had ducked,
> fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.
> Suddenly things were no longer funny.. 'It' was coming, and I  raced
> off through  the store towards the restrooms,  laying down a cloud the
> whole way, praying that I'd  make it before the grand mal assplosion
> took place.  Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to
> the john, began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating  above the toilet
> seat because my ass is burning SO  BAD, purging.
> One poor fellow walked in while I was in  the middle of what is the
> true meaning of 'Shock and  Awe' . He made a gagging sound, and
> disgustedly said, 'Sonofabitch!, did it smell that bad when you ate
> it?', then quickly left.
> Once finished and I left the  restroom, reacquired my partially filled
> cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee
> approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want  to step outside for a
> few minutes. It appears some  prankster set off a stink bomb in the
> store. The  manager is going to run the  vent fans on high for a
> minute or two which ought to take care of the  problem.' My smirking
> of course set me off again,  causing residual gases to escape me. The
> employee took  one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover
> his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner  shouted, 'IT'S
> YOU!', then ran off returning moments  later with the manager. I was
> unceremoniously escorted  from the premises and asked none too kindly
> not to  return. Home again without my supplies, I realized  that there
> was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls.
> The next day I went to shop  at Lowe's. I can't say anymore about that
> because we  are in court over the whole  matter.
--deleted--s claim they're  going to have to repaint the  store..


post #2 of 6
That is hilarious!!! It had my whole family laughing so hard we all cried! icon14.gif
post #3 of 6

I know that HAS to be a true story.... ROTF.gif...

post #4 of 6


post #5 of 6

You in court for passing gas? ROTF.gif

post #6 of 6

Lmao thats funny, I got a buddy that can totally relate icon_eek.gif

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