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some old and some new

post #1 of 3
Thread Starter 

>        One  year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as
> a Christmas gift...
>
>         The next  year, I didn't buy her a gift.
>
>         When she asked  me why, I replied,
>
>         "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
>
>         And that's how the fight started....
>
>         ________________________________
>
>
>         My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while
> we were in bed.
>
>         I turned to  her and said, 'Do you want to have  Sex?'
>
>         'No,' she answered. I then said,
>
>         'Is that your final answer?'
>
>         She didn't even look  at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
>
>         So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
>
>         And that's when the fight started...
>
>         ________________________________
>
>
>         I took my wife to a restaurant.
>
>         The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
>
>         "I'll have  the rump steak, rare, please."
>
>         He said,  "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
>
>         "Nah, she can order for herself."
>
>         And that's when the fight  started.....
>
>         _______________________________
>
>
>         My  wife and I were sitting at a table at her high  school
> reunion, and she kept staring at a  drunken man swigging his drink as he
> sat alone at a nearby table.
>
>         I asked her, "Do you know  him?"
>
>         "Yes", she sighed,
>
>         "He's my old  boyfriend.  I understand he took to drinking
> right after we split up those many years ago,  and I hear he hasn't been
> sober since."
>
>         "My  God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
> celebrating that long?"
>
>         And then the fight  started...
>
>         ________________________________
>
>
>         When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept
> hinting to me that I should get it  fixed.  But, somehow I always had
> something else to take care of first, the shed, the  boat, making beer..
> Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of  a clever
> way to make her point.
>
>         When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the  tall
> grass, busily snipping away with a tiny  pair of sewing scissors. I
> watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was
> gone only a minute, and when I  came out again I handed her a
> toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you  might as
> well sweep the driveway."
>
>         The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always  have a
> limp.
>
>         ______________________________
>
>
>         My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
>
>         She asked, "What's on TV?"
>
>         I said, "Dust."
>
>         And then the fight started..
>
>         ________________________________
>
>
>         Saturday  morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my
> lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage.  I hooked up the boat up to
> the  van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind
> was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the
> radio, and discovered that the weather would  be bad all day.
>
>         I went back into the house,  quietly undressed, and slipped
> back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different
> anticipation, and whispered, "The  weather out there is terrible."
>
>         My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my
> stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
>
>         And that's how the fight started...
>
>         _______________________________
>
>
>         My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
> anniversary.
>
>         She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in
> about 3 seconds."
>
>         I bought her a bathroom scale.
>
>         And then the fight started......
>
>         ______________________________
>
>
>         After retiring, I went to the Social Security office  to apply
> for Social Security.
>
>         The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License
> to verify my age.
>
>         I looked in my  pockets and realized I had left my wallet at
> home.  I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go
> home and come back later.
>
>         The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
>
>         So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
>
>         She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for
> me' and she processed my Social Security application.
>
>         When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience
> at the Social Security office.  She said, 'You should have  dropped your
> pants. You might have gotten disability too.'
>
>         And then the fight started...
>
>         ________________________________
>
>
>         My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom  mirror.
>
>         She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
>
>         "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.  I really need you
> to pay me a compliment.'
>
>         I replied, "Your eyesight's darn near perfect."
>
>         And then the fight started........
>
>         ________________________________
>
>
> I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!
>
> The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
>
> He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'
>
> So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'
>
> That's how the fight started.

post #2 of 3

roflmao.gifClassic.

post #3 of 3

Perfect way to start the morning.... Thanks..

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