The Not So True History of BBQ
I thought it would be fun and interesting to do some research and discover the true history of BBQ. As I read articles from the so called experts on the subject and even a lengthy and heady paper published by a major university I soon had the following epiphany: As no man has the intellect and insight to decern the mind of god; no man is capable of decerning the true history, with certainty, of BBQ.
With the above revelation excepted in my mind, I set out to create my own history on the subject. My history of BBQ, while it may not be factually historical, will satisfy my own hunger and needs to connect with those that came before me.
As with most great and wonderful inventions, BBQ began with a mans need to impress a women who looked very cute in her short bear skin skirt. Now this man, totally smittin by this vision, tried desperately and unsussessfully to impress her at every social event from rock throwing to mammoth tusk mud vaulting. Mind you this was very early in the historical record but after the advent of fire. Lets face it. You can not tell a BBQ history without fire, so I am confident of this time line.
After much effort the man became depressed and after a day of gathering berries and wild grains for his evening meal, he set aside his grocery bag and fell asleep in dispare. Suffering an ailment known today as RLS, (restless leg syndrome) he unwittingly kicked his gatherings which rolled out of his man cave and into the hot morning sun. As most men when givin the chance, he stayed in bed till late afternoon at which time his hunger awakened him in a foul mood as his stomack growled incessantly. He finally found his bag after his customary constitutional. By this time the contents had fermented into a stout homebrew. Possessed by hunger he soon became intoxicated and stumbled down the hill, fell, rolled, and killed a wild pig which had wondered unwittingly into camp.
Now pigs at this time were considered holy by his tribe and not wanting to become outcast he quickly butchered the beast as not to be called a holy pig roller by his fellow tribesmen. Still in a alchohol stuper he placed the butchered parts on what was left of the nightly fire to destroy the evidence. By this time the fire had died down to just coals and the holy pig simply slow cooked until an internal temp of 170 F had been reached.
This is the time the women, (all women are curious which is why all men get caught) was drawn to the local by the sweet smell of roasting pork. The man threw himself on her motherly instincts and as usuall, being a women, she saw an opportunity to save the man and change his wicked ways. After some thought she suggested that they eat the pig parts to finish the job the smoldering fire could not and impressed with his honesty with her, she agreed to become his bride. He was known as simply Cue and she as Barbie. Now you know the intomology of what today we all call BBQ.