Texas Chili Cook-Off

Discussion in 'Jokes' started by ammjr, Jan 29, 2010.

  1. If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there's
    no hope for you. I was crying by the end.

    Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to
    the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For
    those of you who have lived in Texas , you know how true this is.

    They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes
    around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San
    Antonio City Park . Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank,
    who was visiting from Springfield , IL .

    Frank (Judge #3): "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge
    at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was
    assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili
    wouldn't be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3."

    Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

    CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI

    Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

    Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

    Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You
    could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put
    the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.



    CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN 'S AFTERBURNER CHILI

    Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

    Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
    seriously.

    Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not
    sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two
    people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush
    in more beer when they saw the look on my face.


    CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI

    Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.

    Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.

    Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill.My
    nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the
    routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm
    getting sh*t-faced from all of the beer.



    CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC

    Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice.Disappointing.

    Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish
    or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

    Judge # 3 (Frank) -- I felt something scraping across my tongue,
    but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds?
    Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This
    300 lb.woman is starting to look HOT ... just like this nuclear waste
    I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?


    CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEG AND LIP REMOVER

    Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
    adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

    Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato.
    Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

    Judge # 3 (Frank) -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my
    forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four
    people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended
    when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my
    tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher.
    I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the
    other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.


    CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY

    Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance
    of spices and peppers.

    Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions,
    garlic. Superb.

    Judge # 3 (Frank) -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled
    with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and
    I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand
    behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.


    CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI

    Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned
    peppers.

    Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can
    of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am
    worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be a bit of distress as he
    is cursing uncontrollably

    Judge # 3 (Frank) -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the
    pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the
    world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered
    with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of
    lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know
    what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw
    it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck
    it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

    CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI

    Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not
    too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

    Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither
    mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3
    farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of
    himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd
    have reacted to really hot chili?

    Judge # 3 (Frank) - No Report
     
  2. denver dave

    denver dave Smoking Fanatic SMF Premier Member

    Growing up in NM I can relate. I'm in tears. Great joke.
     
  3. jirodriguez

    jirodriguez Master of the Pit OTBS Member SMF Premier Member

    I'm with Denver Dave... love that one a true classic. God I miss the NM greed chili's - hard to come bye a good chili in Oregon... lol.
     

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