some old and some new

Discussion in 'Jokes' started by wildflower, Nov 15, 2011.

  1. >        One  year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as
    > a Christmas gift...
    >
    >         The next  year, I didn't buy her a gift.
    >
    >         When she asked  me why, I replied,
    >
    >         "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
    >
    >         And that's how the fight started....
    >
    >         ________________________________
    >
    >
    >         My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while
    > we were in bed.
    >
    >         I turned to  her and said, 'Do you want to have  Sex?'
    >
    >         'No,' she answered. I then said,
    >
    >         'Is that your final answer?'
    >
    >         She didn't even look  at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
    >
    >         So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
    >
    >         And that's when the fight started...
    >
    >         ________________________________
    >
    >
    >         I took my wife to a restaurant.
    >
    >         The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
    >
    >         "I'll have  the rump steak, rare, please."
    >
    >         He said,  "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
    >
    >         "Nah, she can order for herself."
    >
    >         And that's when the fight  started.....
    >
    >         _______________________________
    >
    >
    >         My  wife and I were sitting at a table at her high  school
    > reunion, and she kept staring at a  drunken man swigging his drink as he
    > sat alone at a nearby table.
    >
    >         I asked her, "Do you know  him?"
    >
    >         "Yes", she sighed,
    >
    >         "He's my old  boyfriend.  I understand he took to drinking
    > right after we split up those many years ago,  and I hear he hasn't been
    > sober since."
    >
    >         "My  God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
    > celebrating that long?"
    >
    >         And then the fight  started...
    >
    >         ________________________________
    >
    >
    >         When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept
    > hinting to me that I should get it  fixed.  But, somehow I always had
    > something else to take care of first, the shed, the  boat, making beer..
    > Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of  a clever
    > way to make her point.
    >
    >         When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the  tall
    > grass, busily snipping away with a tiny  pair of sewing scissors. I
    > watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was
    > gone only a minute, and when I  came out again I handed her a
    > toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you  might as
    > well sweep the driveway."
    >
    >         The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always  have a
    > limp.
    >
    >         ______________________________
    >
    >
    >         My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
    >
    >         She asked, "What's on TV?"
    >
    >         I said, "Dust."
    >
    >         And then the fight started..
    >
    >         ________________________________
    >
    >
    >         Saturday  morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my
    > lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage.  I hooked up the boat up to
    > the  van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind
    > was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the
    > radio, and discovered that the weather would  be bad all day.
    >
    >         I went back into the house,  quietly undressed, and slipped
    > back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different
    > anticipation, and whispered, "The  weather out there is terrible."
    >
    >         My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my
    > stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
    >
    >         And that's how the fight started...
    >
    >         _______________________________
    >
    >
    >         My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
    > anniversary.
    >
    >         She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in
    > about 3 seconds."
    >
    >         I bought her a bathroom scale.
    >
    >         And then the fight started......
    >
    >         ______________________________
    >
    >
    >         After retiring, I went to the Social Security office  to apply
    > for Social Security.
    >
    >         The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License
    > to verify my age.
    >
    >         I looked in my  pockets and realized I had left my wallet at
    > home.  I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go
    > home and come back later.
    >
    >         The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
    >
    >         So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
    >
    >         She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for
    > me' and she processed my Social Security application.
    >
    >         When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience
    > at the Social Security office.  She said, 'You should have  dropped your
    > pants. You might have gotten disability too.'
    >
    >         And then the fight started...
    >
    >         ________________________________
    >
    >
    >         My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom  mirror.
    >
    >         She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
    >
    >         "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.  I really need you
    > to pay me a compliment.'
    >
    >         I replied, "Your eyesight's darn near perfect."
    >
    >         And then the fight started........
    >
    >         ________________________________
    >
    >
    > I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!
    >
    > The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
    >
    > He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'
    >
    > So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'
    >
    > That's how the fight started.
     
  2. [​IMG]Classic.
     
  3. daveomak

    daveomak Smoking Guru OTBS Member SMF Premier Member

    Perfect way to start the morning.... Thanks..
     

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