DIFFERENT WAYS OF LOOKING AT THINGS (or the uncertainty of the English
language)
Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and
values. Stu said,
"I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, Did
you?
"Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?"
A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did all of my
intelligence come from?"
The father replied.
"Well son, you must have got it from your mother,
'cause I still have mine."
"Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce Court
Judge said, "And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,"
"That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then
I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."
A doctor examined a woman, took the husband a side, and said, "I don't like
the looks of your wife at all."
"Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really
good with the kids".
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has
been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that
were used to put the curse on you". The old man says without hesitation,
"I now pronounce you man and wife."
Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder
1. All the DNA is the same.
2. There are no dental records.
A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll
take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?"
The agent replies, "Just a minute.." "Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
"How was he killed?" asked one detective.
"With a golf gun," the other detective replied. "A golf gun?!
"What is a golf gun?" "I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan."
Moe: "My wife got me to believe in religion." Joe: "Really?"
Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell."
A man is recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.
"I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in
surgery," he answered.
"What did he say," asked the nurse. "OOPS"
While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of
bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I
had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.
"What do you think?" I asked. "Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?"
"Better get a bikini," he replied. "You'd never get it all in one."
He's still in intensive care.
language)
Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and
values. Stu said,
"I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, Did
you?
"Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?"
A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did all of my
intelligence come from?"
The father replied.
"Well son, you must have got it from your mother,
'cause I still have mine."
"Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce Court
Judge said, "And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,"
"That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then
I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."
A doctor examined a woman, took the husband a side, and said, "I don't like
the looks of your wife at all."
"Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really
good with the kids".
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has
been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that
were used to put the curse on you". The old man says without hesitation,
"I now pronounce you man and wife."
Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder
1. All the DNA is the same.
2. There are no dental records.
A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll
take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?"
The agent replies, "Just a minute.." "Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
"How was he killed?" asked one detective.
"With a golf gun," the other detective replied. "A golf gun?!
"What is a golf gun?" "I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan."
Moe: "My wife got me to believe in religion." Joe: "Really?"
Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell."
A man is recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.
"I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in
surgery," he answered.
"What did he say," asked the nurse. "OOPS"
While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of
bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I
had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.
"What do you think?" I asked. "Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?"
"Better get a bikini," he replied. "You'd never get it all in one."
He's still in intensive care.
