For the men...this means war. (of the words....lol)

[zapper]

Ah, much humor in these sex wars there is. And much truth is spoken in jest.



I told my wife that when she turned fourty I was gonna trade her in for two twenty year olds. She laughed and said that I was not built for two twenty!

 

[smokin for life]

A young blonde woman was driving through the Florida Everglades
while on vacation. She wanted to take home a pair of genuine
alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the
high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very
frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young
Blonde declared, "Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of shoes for free!"

The shopkeeper said with a sly smile, "Well little lady, why don't
you go on and give it a try?"

The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator.
Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he spots the
same young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand. As he brings his car to a stop, he sees a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the Blonde takes aim, shoots the creature and hauls it up onto the slippery bank. Nearby were 7 more dead gators, all lying belly up.

The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement The blonde struggles mightily and manages to flip the gator onto its back.

Rolling her eyes heavenward, she screams in frustration, "**** !
This one's barefoot, too!!"

 

[deejaydebi]

LOL poor blondes!

 

[smokemaster]

1. HER DIARY

Tonight I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment.

Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong; he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.

On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he didn't say I love you too. When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched T.V.
He seemed distant and absent.

Finally, I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed, and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else.
He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do.

I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.
My life is a disaster.



2. HIS DIARY

Today the Packers lost, but at least I got laid.

 

[blackhawk19]

We always hear" the rules"
From the female side.

Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered "1 "
ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problemonly if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.


1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.


1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant theother one

1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials..

1. Christopher Columbus didNOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really .

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball
orgolf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape.Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;
But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

 

[deejaydebi]

I have three basic rules in my house

1) Dirty clothes go in the hamper not on the floor or everywhere else in the house

2) Dirty dishes go in the sink also not on the floor or everywhere else in the house

3) when you use my tools wipe them off and put them back where you found them again not on the floor or everywhere else in the house or where ever you used it

 

[linescum]

most of my tools are on the floor to begin with

 

[smokin for life]

A Texan Is Drinking In A New York Bar....
He gets a call on his cell phone.
He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear &
orders a round of drinks for everybody in
the bar because, he announces, his wife
has just produced a typical Texan baby boy
weighing 25 pounds.
Nobody can believe that any new baby can
weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Texan just shrugs,
"That's about average back home, folks.
Like I said, my boy's a typical Texan baby boy."
Congratulations showered him from all around
& many exclamations of "WOW!" were heard.
One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later the Texan returns to the bar.
The bartender says
"Say, you're the father of that typical Texan baby
that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you?
Everybody's been makin' bets about how big he'd
be in two weeks. We were gonna call you...
so how much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answers,
"Seventeen pounds."
The bartender is puzzled & concerned.
"What happened?
He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born."
The Texan father takes a slow swig from his Lone Star,
wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans in to the
bartender proudly says,

"Had Him Circumcised."

 

[squeezy]

On Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my lawn chair, drinking beer and watching my wife mow the lawn. The neighbor lady from across the street was so outraged that she came over and shouted at me, "You should be hung!"
I took a drink from my can of Busch Light, wiped the cold foam from my lips, lifted my darkened Ray Ban sunglasses and stared directly into the eyes of this nosy ass neighbor and then calmly replied, "I am. That's why she cuts the grass."

 

[deejaydebi]

A little Bear is at his custody hearing.

The judge asks the little bear whom he wants to live with.

Well, I don't want to live with Mamma bear, she beats me.

And I do not want to live with Papa Bear, he beats me too.

The Judge asks little bear if he has any relatives whom he likes.

Little Bear says no. . . I want to live with the Chicago Bears, the don't beat anybody.

 

[beerivore]

hahaha......wait a minute. We just didn't beat the Colts.

If we can just get Tank Johnson from being an idiot, our D line will be set, but you know kids who have more money than they can handle.


------------------------------------------------------------------


A woman named Shirley was from Beverly Hills. One day, she had a heart attack and was taken to Cedars Sinai hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near-death experience. She saw God and asked, "Is this it?" God said, "No, you have another 30 to 40 years to live." Upon her recovery, she decided to stay in the hospital and have collagen shots, cheek implants, a face lift, liposuction and breast augmentation. She even had someone dye her hair. She figured since she had another 30 to 40 years, she might as well make the most of it. She walked out of Cedars Sinai lobby after the last operation and was killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital. She arrived in front of God and said, "I thought you said I had another 30 to 40 years?" God replied, "Shirley! I didn't recognize you!"

 

[blackhawk19]

A man was riding his Harley along a California beach
when suddenly the sky clouded above his head... In a
booming voice, the Lord said:

'Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all
ways, I will grant you one wish.'

The biker pulled over and said:'Please build a bridge
to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.'

The Lord said, 'Your request is materialistic, think
of the enormous challenges for that kind of
undertaking; the supports required to reach the bottom
of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would
take! It would nearly exhaust several of the world's
natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me
to justify your desire for such worldly things. Take a
little more time, and think of something that could
possibly help mankind.'

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally,
he said, 'Lord,I wish that I, and all men, could
understand our wives; I want to know how she feels
inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the
silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when
she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman
truly happy.'

The Lord replied, 'You want two lanes, or four, on
that bridge?

 

[linescum]

i see you got the same problem i got

 

[smokin for life]

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following
conversation ensues:
Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many
children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I
picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel,
where I had sex with each of them three times."
Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"
Man: "What sins?"
Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"
Man: "I'm Jewish."
Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"
Man: "I'm 92 years old. I'm telling everybody."

 

[abigail4476]

Difference Between Women And Men

1.NAMES

If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara.

If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.

2.EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in a $20 , even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the women get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

3.MONEY

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need, but it's on sale.

4.BATHROOMS

A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

5.ARGUMENTS

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that... is the beginning of a newargument.

6.CATS

Women love cats.

Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

7.FUTURE

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

8.SUCCESS

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

9.MARRIAGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change,and she does.

10.DRESSING UP

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

11.NATURAL

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

12.OFFSPRING

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

13.THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing

 

[pigcicles]

... oh noooo Now the boss' wife is involved!!!

 

[abigail4476]

 

[squeezy]

The Irish Golfer




There is hope yet. Hee hee


An 80-year old-Irish man goes to a doctor for a check-up.

The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, "How do you stay in such great physical condition?"


"I'm Irish and I am a golfer", says the old guy, "and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways. Have a glass of beer, a shot of fine Irish Whiskey and all is well".


"Well," says the doctor, "I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your Dad when he died?"

"Who said my Dad's dead?"

The doctor is amazed. "You mean you're 80 years old and your Dad's still alive. How old is he?"

"He's 100 years old," says the old-Irish golfer. "In fact he golfed with me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk, that's why he's still alive."

"Well," the doctor says, "that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your Dad's Dad? How old was he when he died?" "Who said my grandpa's dead?"

Stunned, the doctor asks, "You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! Incredible, how old is he?"

"He's 118 years old," says the old-Irish golfer.


The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, "So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?"

"No. Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today."

At this point the doctor is close to losing it? "Getting married!!? Why would a 118 year-old guy want to get married?"

"Who said he wanted to?"

 

[blackhawk19]

A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady 60
miles
per hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks
across
at her and speaks in a clear voice. "I know we've been married for
twenty
years, but I want a divorce."
The wife says nothing,
Keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed
to 65 mph. The husband speaks again. "I don 't want you to try and talk me
out of it," He says, "because I've been having an affair with your best
friend, And she's a far better lover than you are."
Again the wife stays quiet, But grips the steering wheel more
tightly and slowly increases the speed to 75 He pushes his luck. "I
want>the house," he says insistently..
Up to 80 . "I want the car, too," he continues.
85 mph. "And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the
credit cards and the boat!"
The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge.

This makes him nervous, so he asks her, "Isn't there anything you
want?"
The wife at last replies in a quiet and controlled voice.
"No, I've got everything I need," she says.
"Oh, really," he inquires, "so what have you got?"
Just before they slam into the wall at 85 mph,The wife turns to
him and smiles. "The airbag."

 

[blackhawk19]

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my shape to keep.
Please no wrinkles, Please no bags
And please lift my butt before it sags.
Please no age spots, Please no gray
And as for my belly, Please take it away.
Please keep me healthy, Please keep me young,
And thank you Dear Lord, For all that you've done.

Five tips for a woman....
1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.
2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.
3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to You.
4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.
5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.

Foot Note:
One saggy boob said to the other saggy boob:
"If we don't get some support soon, people will think we're nuts."