Flying Rules

Discussion in 'Jokes' started by ultramag, Dec 24, 2006.

  1. ultramag

    ultramag SMF Events Planning Committee

    Flying Rules


    Yea though I Fly Through the Valley of Death, I Shall
    Fear No Evil For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing!
    (Sign over the entrance to the old SR-71 operating
    base, Kadena, Japan)

    --------------------------------------------
    You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3.
    (Paul F Crickmore - test pilot)
    -------------------------------------------
    The only time you have too much fuel is when you're
    on fire.
    --------------------------------------------
    Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the
    ocean than submarines in the sky.
    (From an old carrier sailor)
    --------------------------------------------
    If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's
    probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe.
    --------------------------------------------
    When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane, you
    always have enough power left to get you to the scene
    of the crash.
    --------------------------------------------
    Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another
    expensive flying club.
    --------------------------------------------
    What is the similarity between air traffic controllers
    and pilots?
    If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up,
    the pilot dies.
    --------------------------------------------
    Never trade luck for skill.
    --------------------------------------------
    The three most common expressions (or famous last
    words) in aviation are "Why is it doing that?"
    "Where are we?" and "Oh Sh*t!"
    --------------------------------------------
    Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers.
    --------------------------------------------
    Progress in airline flying: now a flight attendant can
    get a pilot pregnant.
    --------------------------------------------
    Airspeed, altitude and brains: Two are always needed
    to successfully complete the flight.
    --------------------------------------------
    A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck;
    three in a row is prevarication.
    --------------------------------------------
    I remember when sex was safe and flying was dangerous.
    --------------------------------------------
    Humankind has a perfect record in aviation.
    We never left one up there!
    --------------------------------------------
    Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a
    flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries.
    --------------------------------------------
    Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your
    plight to a person on the ground incapable of
    understanding or doing anything about it.
    --------------------------------------------
    When a flight is proceeding incredibly well,
    something was forgotten.
    --------------------------------------------
    Just remember, if you crash because of weather,
    your funeral will be held on a sunny day.
    --------------------------------------------
    Advice given to RAF pilots during WWII when a prang
    (crash) seems inevitable, endeavor to strike the
    softest, cheapest object in the vicinity as slow and
    gently as possible.
    --------------------------------------------
    The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it
    can just barely kill you.
    (Attributed to Max Stanley, Northrop test pilot)
    --------------------------------------------
    A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying
    his plane to its maximum.
    (Jon McBride, astronaut)
    --------------------------------------------
    If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as
    far into the crash as possible.
    (Bob Hoover - renowned aerobatic and test pilot)
    --------------------------------------------
    If an airplane is still in one piece, don't cheat on it!
    Ride the bastard down!
    (Ernest K Gann, author & aviator)
    --------------------------------------------
    Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver
    than you.
    --------------------------------------------
    There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in
    peacetime.
    (Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB,
    AZ, 1970)
    --------------------------------------------
    "What is the purpose of the propeller? The purpose of
    the propeller is to keep the pilot cool. You don't believe
    that? If the propeller stops, watch how the pilot starts
    to sweat".
    --------------------------------------------
    The two best things in life are a good landing and a
    good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one
    of the few opportunities in life where you get to
    experience both at the same time.
    (Author unknown, but surely someone who's been there)
    --------------------------------------------
    If something hasn't broken on your helicopter,
    it's about to.
    --------------------------------------------
    Basic Flying Rules: Try to stay in the middle of the air,
    do not go near the edges of it The edges of the air
    can be recognized by the appearance of ground,
    buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space it is much
    more difficult to fly there.
    --------------------------------------------
    You know that your landing gear is up and locked when
    it takes full power to taxi to the terminal
     
  2. dutch

    dutch Smoking Guru Staff Member Administrator Group Lead OTBS Member SMF Premier Member

    And why are airplane drivers called pilots???

    'Cuz when they crash, they pile it here and they pile it there. . .:roll:
     
  3. If you ever have to make an emergency
    landing at night make sure your landing
    lights are on and if you dont like what your
    makeshift landing strip looks like
    turn your lights off
     
  4. ultramag

    ultramag SMF Events Planning Committee

    Canuck, that reminds me of my Dad talking about landing C-130's in the white outs in Antarctica. They would come in on instruments and basically descend until they "felt something bump the underside" then set her down. Guess theres probably not much to hit but penguins down there. Still had to be nerve racking at best I would think.
     
  5. Ultramag

    I'm just starting to fly myself, I'm studying
    for my ultralights pilot permit.
    I havent had any of those landings and I'm not looking forward to any of them either
     
  6. My hubby used to fly when we 1st met and he still loves aviation! Good luck on your lessons!! Daun
     
  7. pyre

    pyre Meat Mopper OTBS Member

    Landing on a carrier at night has got to be one of the scariest things ever. Those things move in the ocean, it's not like landing on ground.
     
  8. starsfaninco

    starsfaninco Smoking Fanatic OTBS Member SMF Premier Member

    I was a Quartermaster (navigation, not storekeeper:) ) on the Abraham Lincoln CVN-72 back in 1990-1992, and got to see many, many carrier landings (night and day). The most amusing things you see are pilots in their ready rooms after particularly 'interesting' landings. Pale, sweating, not real hungry, and a little jumpy are the signs you mostly see. The Air Boss (CAG) had flight ops quarters right below the navigation bridge, and I used to hang out there some. He loved to have his junior pilots come report to him after their landings to go over mistakes and triumphs. Very fatherly in most respects, but some very funny quotes came out of that office (I just don't remember any...).

    KE
     

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