07 july/august/september

Discussion in 'Jokes' started by larry maddock, Jul 19, 2007.

  1. larry maddock

    larry maddock Master of the Pit OTBS Member

    H2O

    There was a college football coach that had a player on his team that was a bit slow.

    The Dean told him that if the player could learn the formula for water, he would be allowed to play in the big game.

    The day of the big game came and the Dean called the player into his office and asked him to recite the formula for water.

    The player grinned real big and said, "H I J K L M N O."








    Two blonde girls were working for the city public works
    > department.
    >
    > One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and
    fill
    > the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the
    > other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day
    > without rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in
    > again.
    >
    > An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't
    understand
    > what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by
    > the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don't get it
    > -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind
    and
    > fill it up again?"
    >
    > The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it
    > probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team.
    > But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick



    Don't Think So Much

    Mensa is an organization whose members have an IQ of 140 or higher. A few years ago, there was a Mensa Convention in San Francisco and several members lunched at a local cafe.

    While dining, they discovered that their salt shaker contained pepper and their pepper shaker was full of salt. How could they swap the contents of the bottles without spilling and using only the implements at hand? Clearly, this was a job for Mensa!

    The group debated and presented ideas and finally came up with a brilliant solution involving a napkin, a straw and an empty saucer. They called the waitress over to dazzle her with their solution.

    "Ma'am," they said, "we couldn't help but notice that the pepper shaker contains salt and the salt shaker..."

    "Oh," the waitress interrupted. "Sorry about that."
    she then picked up the 2 shakers and changed the tops...


    dont think too much..........................[​IMG]
    >
     
  2. larry maddock

    larry maddock Master of the Pit OTBS Member

    [font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Sweet Potatoes[/font]
    [font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Every morning during our coffee break, my co-workers and I listened to the culinary disasters of a newlywed colleague. We then tried to share some helpful hints and recipes. [/font]
    [font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]One day, she asked us for step-by-step instructions on cooking sweet potatoes, one of her husband's favorites. [/font]
    [font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]"I've finally been able to make them sweet," she said, "but how do you make them orange?"[​IMG][​IMG][​IMG][/font]
     
  3. OMG...my head hurts. Is it carrots, cinnamon, er powdered cheese. I can never remember.
     
  4. larry maddock

    larry maddock Master of the Pit OTBS Member

    Snoring

    A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the
    wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to
    tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles, and he will stop snoring.
    "Yeah right!" she says.

    A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring, as usual. the
    wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes
    to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully
    around the dog's testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring!! The
    woman is amazed!!!

    Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out drinking
    with his buddies. He climbs into bed and begins snoring loudly. The
    woman thinks maybe the ribbon might work on him. So, she goes to the
    closet again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon and ties it around her
    husband's testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him!!! The woman sleeps
    soundly.

    The husband wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into
    the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances down
    and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates.He is very confused, and
    as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees the red ribbon attached to
    his Dog's testicles.

    He shakes his head and looks at the dog and whispers, "I don't
    know where we were......Or what we did.. But, by God... We took
    First and Second place!!! [​IMG][​IMG]
     
  5. larry maddock

    larry maddock Master of the Pit OTBS Member

    [font=verdana,sans-serif]A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The
    place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while
    "the lights would turn off." Each time the lights would go out, the place
    would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room
    went dead silent.

    She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?
    The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of
    a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf. "Well, in that case I'll just
    look the other way," said the nun. So, the bartender showed the nun to the
    back of the restaurant.

    After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just
    long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. She went to the
    b artender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did the y applaud for me
    just because I went to the restroom?" "Well, now they know you're one of
    us," said the bartender, "Would you like a drink?" "But, I still don't
    understand," said the puzzled nun. "You see," laughed the bartender, "every
    time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out."
    >
    >"Now, how about that drink?"[​IMG]
    [/font]
     
  6. deejaydebi

    deejaydebi Smoking Guru

    ROLF! A fig leaf light switch!
     
  7. larry maddock

    larry maddock Master of the Pit OTBS Member

    HI-TECH RESTAURANT

    A man walked into a very high-tech restaurant in a fancy hotel.

    As he waited to be seated, he noticed that the Maitre D' was a robot.

    The robot clicked to attention and said, "Sir, there is a one hour wait.
    And I am programmed to converse with you until a table is ready, if you
    please."

    Intrigued, the man said, "OK."

    The robot clicked a couple more times and then asked "Sir, what is your
    IQ?"

    The man answered, "Oh, about 164."

    The robot then proceeded to discuss the theory of relativity,
    interstellar space travel, the latest medical breakthroughs, etc.

    The man was most impressed. The next day he returned, but thought he
    would try a different tact.

    The robot again asked, "What is your IQ, sir?" This time the man
    answered, "Oh, about 100".

    So the robot started discussing NASCAR racing, the latest basketball
    scores, and what to expect the Red Sox to do this weekend.

    The guy had to try it one more time. So the next day he returned.

    Again the robot asked the question, "What is your IQ?"

    This time the man drawled out, " Uh.....'bout 50."

    The robot clicked, then leaned close and very slowly asked,

    "A-r-e

    y-o-u-r

    p-e-o-p-l-e

    g-o-i-n-g

    t-o

    n-o-m-i-n-a-t-e

    H-i-l-l-a-r-y?"[​IMG][​IMG][​IMG]
     
  8. chris_harper

    chris_harper Master of the Pit OTBS Member

    rotflmao...that was too good.
     

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